Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Fucked-Up Video Wednesday

As if spawned from the action-movie version of the mentality that this Onion article spoofs, someone has apparently made a movie called Robo Geisha. I say apparently, because there is just such a comprehensive level of badness to this video that it would immediately make the world a better and more awesome place if this trailer were just an elaborate and dedicated troll. Also, a friend of a friend says the Japanese, where discernible, is incredibly poor.

Here's the premise: there are Geishas that are robots, and they Geisha dance and have a Geisha army. Also, Geisha transform.

Highlights include: the gravitas the opening credits are supposed to inculcate in the viewer. Did you know that the same guy who directed the special effects on this also did so for Tokyo Gore Police? Of course you didn't, because Tokyo Gore Police is a tremendously shitty movie.

I'm torn as to what the best part of the video is, but the obvious answer is something about the audio. Either it's the guy sounding like a Japanese Christian Bale doing an impression of Doctor Claw and Leonard Cohen facing off in a "Call in a Bomb Threat Contest," or it's the synth soundtrack repeating the mid-song breakdown of "Live and Let Die" for two minutes.

That nightmare reminded a cousin of mine of this amazing trailer for a fake 1960s cult classic, Italian Spiderman, a scene from which (the curly-haired guy who discovers a body) might be recognizable to some as a kind of semi-popular animated-gif internet meme.

Highlights include: Italian Spiderman jamming on the trumpet, Italian Spiderman punching out the woman he just defended from hecklers, or the Youtube description: "Featuring Franco Franchetti of Mondo Sexo fame in his last ever role before being killed in a spear fishing accident in 1969." Evidently, the entire thing is a gag crafted by film school students. Purporting to be the newly rediscovered film canisters of a 1960s exploitation film, the creators have produced a series of Italian Spiderman film shorts.

The final video probably seems like low-hanging fruit, but I'm sure that's the same sort of dismissive attitude Eve had before she damned us all to suffering, disease and death. Thanks, lady!

Highlights include: that both of these videos were meant to indoctrinate children yet both independently of any other agency probably managed to scare the absolute shit out of them.