Friday, July 3, 2009

Sarah Palin Resigns Governorship, Experiences Official Eagleton-Like Manic Episode

Well, you ivory tower elitists, left-coast homosexuals and east coast Mercedes-Benz socialists have finally done it. Together under a banner depicting David Letterman's gapped front teeth, you've joined your voices to an infernal chorus that insulted Sarah Palin's retarded baby so hard that it made her job disappear.

Today, Palin addressed the media and her constituents, announcing her resignation, effective in a few weeks. It was uncomfortable, staggering to witness and humiliating. Imagine if Thomas Eagleton had been administered shock therapy during his renunciation of the Vice-Presidential candidacy, on live television. Then imagine he said he counted the experience as a victory for the all the Vampeople of the Greater Galactic Rim. It's on the same level of dignity.

The video is mostly funny. It's hard to feel pity for someone who's already feeling so much for herself and so little for others. A woman who can can say at the beginning of her speech, "If I have learned one thing: life is about choices," yet deny choices to women who've been impregnated by a rapist or blood relation — the make them pay for their own rape kit. At this point, all that can come through is the hideous comedy of it.

Palin seems on the verge of tears at times and at others cruising nearly off the rails on a genuine home-grown Alaskan meth bender, quavering her voice and then sucking in air harder than the lead singer of Muse resurfacing after his scuba tank ran empty. The result is a largely empty word salad of affirmations and disconnected but familiar conservative boilerplate. You could duplicate the experience by having someone with severe stage fright conduct a lotto drawing where every ball in the hopper was labeled with a different political cliché. And the winner is...
Downs babies.
Point guards.
A river of blood.
The delivery is so haphazard and ultimately meaningless that Palin doesn't seem to have noticed the ugly segue she creates by saying, "The world needs more Trigs" — meaning her son with Downs Syndrome — then immediately in the next sentence talking about the troops. Drawing a connection between the developmentally disabled and our enlisted men? She's a regular John Kerry.

It's hard what to make of the resignation. Palin's approval ratings in her own state are tanking, while recent reports from CBS news have emerged showing a truly fantastic level of delusion and miscalculation on her part during the 2008 Presidential Campaign. One can't think of this decision as a canny bit of political maneuvering when the nation recently read her telling explicit lies, to the chief strategist of her own campaign, about her husband's membership in an Alaskan secessionist party. As that strategist pointed out:
The statement you are suggesting be released would be innaccurate. The innaccuracy would bring greater media attention to this matter and be a distraction. According to your staff there have been no media inquiries into this and you received no questions about it during your interviews. If you are asked about it you should smile and say many alaskans who love their country join the party....
In short, one of the people who technically worked for her (although he was chief strategist of the overall campaign and not Palin's personal strategist) considered her tactical acumen to be so poor that he basically told her that her idea would double their problems and that she should shut up, say empty things about America and smile. If anything, this resignation speech sounds like she's following his advice.

The speech is still terrible, though, because amidst the hollow invocations of family and country come the petty digs that the Sarahcuda can't help but clamp her jaws on, much like her namesake as regards shiny inedible things. Relevant portions from the clip above are posted below in bold, comments in plain text:

My choice is to take a stand and effect change — not hit our heads against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities — and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.
Palin drifts in and out of the usage of the "royal we," and it's never really clear why she does it. A quick and cynical answer might be that invoking a "we" also diffuses the responsibility of the "I" — as in, "Valuable state time and money wouldn't be wasted defending me if I didn't commit an unholy shitload of ethics violations."

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me — sports... basketball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I'm doing that — keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities — smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball - for victory.
This analogy works for Sarah Palin in some many wonderful ways. The point guard is almost always the most intelligent guy on the court and on his own team. Calling Sarah Palin the point guard of politics is like calling the towel boy who wipes the sweat off the court "Emperor."

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully....
"I did not have sex with that woman..."

I do not want to disappoint anyone with my decision; all I can ask is that you TRUST me with this decision — but it's no more "politics as usual."
Why would anyone consider an abrupt resignation of a disgraced politician bedeviled with uncomfortable ethics investigations and riding a plummeting approval rating to be anything like "politics as usual"? This is totally different. For one, those guys at least tend to announce it even a day in advance, give reasons that sound faintly credible and manage not to come off like they got driven to the speech site after spending a day freebasing in a double wide.

Some Alaskans don't mind wasting public dollars and state time.
"I said thanks, but no thanks!"

I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor.
I intended to waste it much less passively!

And my children won't allow it either. Some will question the timing. Let's just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile...
Which instantly explains my harried, disorganized speech, the fact that this came out of nowhere and why my Lieutenant Governor looks like someone just force-fed him a turd.

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life — my children (where the count was unanimous... well, in response to asking: "Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children's future from OUTSIDE the Governor's office?"
I, too, talk to my children in political boilerplate. They come home with a bad report card, I tell them, "Look, America can do better." They lose a watch?—I say, "You, as an American, need to reconnect with your values. Where did you last see it?"

It was four "yes's" and one "hell yeah!"

The "hell yeah" sealed it — and someday I'll talk about the details of that... I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we ALL could learn so much from someone like Trig — I know he needs me, but I need him even more... what a child can offer to set priorities RIGHT — that time is precious... the world needs more "Trigs," not fewer.
"I still do not get jokes."

"My disabled baby! My disabled baby! My disabled baby!"

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for OUR freedom and security... we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops... they're bold, they don't give up, they take a stand and know that LIFE is short so they choose to NOT waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than SELF... and to build up their families, their states, our country. These Troops and their important missions — those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and NOT this local/superficial wasteful political bloodsport.
The tactics of salacious insinuation and character assassination that I traded in by suggesting Barack Obama was an un-American non-christian affiliated with terrorists have, when combined with facts, proved fatal to my image in Alaska. Therefore, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops, troops. In conclusion, I am malignantly narcissistic enough to liken my political danger to their mortal one. I am human fucking trash.

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what's best for Alaska. I've explained why... though I think of the saying on my parents' refrigerator that says "Don't explain: your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe you anyway."
They also had a bunch of Garfield comic strips cartoons on there, and would you believe it, a cat can talk???

Now, despite this, I don't want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this REAL "climate change" that began in August...
As a conservative, I have values. And one thing I value is taking time out from my kaleidoscopingly insane resignation speech to get in sarcastic digs about the science of anthropogenic climate change — which I'm unfamiliar with.

We need those who will respect our Constitution where government's supposed to serve from the BOTTOM UP, not move toward this TOP DOWN big government take-over...
Government isn't the solution. Government is the problem. I am the governor of a state that literally top-down redistributes wealth from nationalized (or state-ized) energy profits to every citizen, one that cannot function without billions of top-down dollars in federal mad money handed out like so much red-state welfare every year; I advocate harsh state and federal top-down interdiction policies on crime and the massive federal top-down power of the military-industrial complex.

I'm folksy; guvmint is just like two folks talkin'.

...protectors of individual rights — who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball when it's time so the team can win! And that is what I'm doing!
At the risk of dropping the ball against the ropes, I'm handing off my readers to this hail mary, where hopefully we can crash through these boards without penalty to a bright new fairway.

Remember Alaska... America is now, more than ever, looking North to the Future.
The pure, white north. The hunting, white, unblemished north. With oil.

In the words of General MacArthur said,
In the words of General MacArthur said,

"We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction."
One would have to know something about history to understand how apt this is, and at no time during her attendance at five colleges did Sarah emerge with a history degree. Suffice it to say that Mac was a regular ol' maverick when it came to war, outfoxin' them Jappos by letting them kick his ass right out of the Pacific before he staged a magnificent PR campaign to convince Americans he was really good at his job anyway.

Then he did some super work retaking the Philippines in front of a camera before going on to his greatest role: doing a credible job in Korea landing at Inchon before going insane, essentially calling his democratic commander in chief an effete liberal and a traitor to freedom, calling for the invasion of China along with the detonation of multiple tactical nuclear weapons on their mainland, getting kicked out of the army for being a treasonous right-wing loon, and giving a speech to congress about old soldiers that still ranks in the pantheon of both The Most Unintentionally Hilarious Speeches and The Most Unintentionally Terrifying.

He was an overrated and narcissistic leader whose fear of looking ineffective never overcame his yearning to be seen; whose eagerness for power saw him try to usurp the chain of command above him; whose need for control saw him demonize the lawfully elected commander in Washington. He was a prima donna who coined pretty aphorisms about retreat and defeat because he needed to do something to make up for the gulf between his characterization of his talents and the reality of them.

How absolutely fitting for Sarah Palin.