Wednesday, November 16, 2011

'The Shadows of the Night'

We, the good people of Et tu, Mr. Destructo? are a pretty collegial lot. We like to chat on instant-messenger services with each other, because often one of us will discover an illegal stream and password to an Irkutsk-originating pay-per-view video of human or animal bloodsport. Last night, as I polished a new column for Vice, and General Rehavam Ze'evi worked on Part IV of his three-part series on Libya, our thoughts turned to ways to help drive more traffic to this website:

You should embed a Pat Benatar Youtube to get more pageloads. Everyone loves her.

It would probably have to be the video for "Shadows of the Night," for the one-two punch of Judge Reinhold and Bill Paxton.

Holy Jesus, are they in that video? I'm Googling as we speak.... My God, this is a period piece set in World War II.... Damn, they only have the Pop-Up Video version embeddable. No fucking way I'm watching that.

The P in Pat Benetar stands for "P51 Mustang."

To prepare for the his role as an allied pilot, Judge Reinhold set Dresden on fire.

"Hi, my name is Bill Paxton. My credits include 'The Nazi on the Left' in a music video made for a girl."

He still looks like he did in Weird Science as the dickhead brother.... These are the shittiest Nazis ever. Imagine being the Nazi stabbed by Pat Benatar.

There you go. She's flying a fighter plane with the canopy open so, I dunno, maybe her scarf can blow in the breeze.

If anyone had told me that one of Pat Benatar's videos features a swooning kiss in front of a Nazi flag, I would've been slightly skeptical.

Just slightly. The thing the video does is distract you from the fact that the last half of the song is just the chorus over and over and over.

I like how you can (a) land a prop plane silently on a Nazi's front lawn and (b) just hop in a plane and take off without a runway.

See, we can't blame the video's director for the horrible historical, tactical and logistical inaccuracies, because it was all the fault of Pat Benatar for falling asleep in a munitions factory. That place looks like it makes about eight shells an hour.

That speed nearly got a guy shot in Schindler's List, and he was just on hinge duty.

Pat Benatar and her friends' weapons output singlehandedly won 1/10 of a second of the Battle of Bastogne.

The Bloody Benatar of Bastogne.

After receiving an inquiry from General Luttwitz at Bastogne as to what it was the people making munitions back home lacked, the American commander, General Anthony McAuliffe, sent a one-word reply: "Nuts!"

The present day Rufus Wainwright cover of this song is largely faithful to this video, although the action has been moved to present day Victorville, CA and features Animal Liberation Front activists targeting a Land Rover dealership.

Rejected video concept: "Edelweiss Versa," where Judge Reinhold switches bodies with Adolf Hitler.

In this edgy twist, Fred Savage shoots himself in the head.

Is it because Fred's a Jewish Nazi, is trying to escape being in this video, or because he didn't make enough hinges in the munitions factory?

Other Pat Benatar videos profiled on I Love The 80s feature her daydreaming about torturing an Australian journalist at the Khmer Rouge's notorious S-21 prison, kidnapping the Lindbergh baby and eating a part of it and stabbing Christ.

Other Rejected Video/Body Switching Concept: Kirk Cameron steals Judge Reinhold's body, then levels Berlin under 500,000 pounds of Holy Bibles and wire spool recordings proving that, if Nazis were so evolved, they would have bananas for hands.

"If the other side had won, I'd have been tried as a war criminal," Pat Benatar confesses in Errol Morris's award-winning documentary, Shadows of the Night.

"In a single night, we burned to death 100,000 guitar necks. That was Doolittle's Shredders." — Pat Benetar, remarking on the actions of Air Force General Simon "Curtis" LeBon.

"Twenty Minutes Over Tokyo" was the name of the Asian Leg of her tour promoting "We Belong."

Little known fact: for decades after the end of the 1980s, Japanese soldiers living in caves would run out in suicide attacks shouting, "We Will Be Invincible."