Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Completely RedZoning Out

At the end of this year's MLB postseason, I got a few IMs from people asking a variation of one question, "Where's JShap?" For the last two years, a writer I know has joined me for a chat-form "liveblog" of a playoff game. The first time was mere chance; he was around, and the game was miserable. The second time was planned, and this year he indicated that there was "no way [he was] watching a World Series game where Tony La Russa [was] coaching."

Despite this polite demurral, he suggested that it might be fun to see if anybody could make sense out of watching hours of NFL RedZone. Two people, one channel, countless games, no commercials, no downtime, no respite. Could anybody build a narrative or real understanding of football in that time? Could they say something profound about the game?

Here's the thing: they can't. If you want to have a conversation via any media, interact with some other form of communication, tend to children or pets, do chores, cook food — if, in fact, you want to do anything other than devote total attention to NFL RedZone, you will lose the thread. If you're willing to totally commit to it, it's possible to appreciate the pace and stakes of all the games that air on it. It's not beyond human understanding. But taking yourself out of it even for a little while renders it NFL A.D.D.

Still, we did our best, and we present that below, edited down from a monstrosity many times its size. A final note on the text, however: JSHAP is not actually named JSHAP, nor would anyone consider calling him that in real life. He needed a pseudonym, and it was a play on baseball's compulsion to call people "A-Rod" and "A-Gon." It's a stupid name, not reflective of the real person. However, this negative comment on naming schemes should not carry over to my other friends, Hench, Hopper, Dwelling and Jacqueline Onassis.
___________________

MOBUTU: ARE YOU READY FOR FOOTBALL???
JSHAP: Commence Zone, lock Hanson into his Clockwork Orange chair and eyelid-stab things...
MOBUTU: I've got my iced tea, my sparkling water with lemon slice, my chicken phaal and my garlic naan. I'm doing this wrong, aren't I?
JSHAP: The way you described your "honey-do list" morning to me sounded like sweet-ass beer commercial behavior. Some dumb girl wanted you to do something, but you were all like, "No wayyyyyyy, football!" *gUiTaR* "My wife wanted me to go to her mother's funeral, but I got out of it by tricking my parrot into saying husband stuff. S'up, beer, football, and the gang!" *gUiTaR*
MOBUTU: GODDAMNIT, HONEY, I GOTTA HUNKER DOWN HERE. FOOTBALL IS 99% PERSPIRATION, 1% RESPIRATION. *sun sweats on american empire*
JSHAP: This is 10% luck 10% skill 20% concentrated power of will, I forget the exact empirical formula.
MOBUTU: I love rap. Is that Mars Blackmon?
JSHAP: Whoa, that's not the first unmanly thing you've said today. (FLASHBACK: "Boo hoo hoo, I was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy.") Um, awkward.
MOBUTU: "Brah, this queer was tearing up at the Holocaust museum!"
JSHAP: "Hey can you get me another Smir—" "Put it in your diary, Man Frank!"
MOBUTU: "So many innocent people, brah, they just got Iced..."


MOBUTU: The Ravens have "lost their leader to a toe." A Toe killed him.
JSHAP: The Toe did not kill him, it was just obstruction of justice.
MOBUTU: Which turned his life around. So I guess Toe is their leader.
JSHAP: "All these people doubting us, but the only people who believed were the five toes in this locker room. This foot locker room." (Nailed it. [Toenailed it.])


MOBUTU: I love that the Buccaneers picked up Albert Haynesworth. Now they have someone on the line who can lie down and cause an obstruction. Raheem Morris berates him in the locker room: "AL, YOU NEED TO GET TIRED OUT THERE. I NEED YOU TO LIE THE FUCK DOWN. AM I BORING YOU? DO YOU NEED A NAP?—WELL WHY NOT????"
JSHAP: Haynesworth's Hall of Fame bust is going to be of that gif of him taking a nap during a pass rush.
MOBUTU: Did you see the one where he sort of rolls around? It looks like someone picked up the other end of the field and lifted it, like yanking a sheet up to shuffle a cat off the end of the bed.
JSHAP: Exactly! I meant the gif Hall of Fame of course, not football.


JSHAP: Watching RedZone deprives us of those offensive/defensive starter intro talk boxes. I was curious how those were going to play out this week. "Paul Posluzny, Penn State... and that whole thing is just, God. I dunno. I mean obviously I'm against... all that. Go to the next guy please."
MOBUTU: "DeQuan Harris, The Ohio State University. Let me show you the free tattoo I got. It's below one that says 'Fuck You' and above another that says 'Get Better Priorities.' I paid for those."


MOBUTU: Well, hell, the Packers linemen are calling it a touchdown, I don't see any reason to disagree. 

JSHAP: Players pointing for fumble possession or crossing a goal line used to be something you could believe in. Now they're no longer trustworthy. They have agendas.

MOBUTU: If I were an NFL referee, I'd be the insecure one. I'd stand there and wait for the pile to break up and think, "You know, he called it a touchdown. I'm going to look pretty bad if I disagree..."
JSHAP: Big ol' players putting their hands on little refs' shoulders, being like "aw, come on" while the ref rubs the player's belly and explains a call is one of the most endearing sights in the NFL.


JSHAP: Why doesn't the world stop every time Cam Newton picks up a first down by running, like it does for Tebow? I thought Jesus was black anyway. Speaking of which, I saw that Tebow interview with Irvin and the NFL Network crew. It just kept going and going and every question from every person was like, "POINT BLANK, WILL YOU ADMIT THAT YOU SUCK? APOLOGIZE."
MOBUTU: I wasn't getting that at all. It was like, "EVERYONE POINTS TO YOUR PUTTING UP SOME OF THE WORST NUMBERS IN QUARTERBACK HISTORY AS EVIDENCE YOU SUCK. BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR SPECIALNESS AND INTANGIBLES. DO YOU ADMIT THAT THOMAS IS RIGHT TO DOUBT CHRIST?"


MOBUTU: I feel bad for Christian Ponder, but there are few things more satisfying than a QB lacing a 25-yard throw arcing across the field like a shield, for an interception.
JSHAP: What a ... ponderous ... throw. (smokes pipe)
MOBUTU: PONDEROUS, MAN, FUCKIN PONDEROUS! JUST ONE TIME, I WANT SOMEONE TO USE HIS FUCKIN BRAIN', SO I DON'T GOTTA COME OUT OF A GODDAMN UP-TEMPO RECORD AND TALK ABOUT A FUCKIN DRIVE DYING!
JSHAP: Hahaha.
MOBUTU: "Coming up on Monday night, Tom Brady, Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez go to—you know what? This is bullshit. NOBODY CARES. These guys are from New England and WHO GIVES A SHIT?"


MOBUTU: What was that they showed in the Vikings game coming back from commercial? Was that people cross-country rollerskiing?
JSHAP: You say cross-country rollerskiiing, and I reach for the DVR remote to rewind… OMG! Treated so nonchalantly. My god they're just... they're just skiiing down the sidewalk. Like that's how they travel every day.
MOBUTU: It's the ideal aerobic exercise for people who hate that they're not forced to make extremely wide turns in regular life. "Honey, I'm losing weight, but I feel something is missing." "Could it be that your feet are seven feet shorter than you feel they should be?" "Yeah, exactly. I just—I corner too well."
JSHAP: I can't believe the poker-things work on pavement anyway.
MOBUTU: I can make a set of those easy. You get two cheap rubber-stoppered medical canes from CVS, some rollerskates that attach to your tennis shoes, then duct tape a pair of those empty cardboard tubes from wrapping paper onto your shoes.
JSHAP: I hope residential skiing becomes the new parkour.
MOBUTU: Residential Skiing Is Not A Crime.
"Hey, dude, that's a primo deck you got."
"Word. You see my stickers?"
" 'This MaSkiin' Kills Fascists'. SICK."
Just five guys and one girl in green canvas pants all standing around on their residential skis, holding poles, smoking cloves, and the shopping center security guard is like, "Hey, you can't ski here," and they're all, "We're not skiing, we're just standing around and conversing in a country with the right to free assembly, man." And then the guard is all, "Well, you can't loiter here," and then all of them push forward on their poles and start rolling at 0.5mph and say, "We're not standing here, maaaan, we're moving."
JSHAP: That is. Beautiful.
MOBUTU: Tyranny is, like, so stupid.
JSHAP: "Your laws are our slopes #nonconformity."
MOBUTU: "The Constitution Was a Ski." "The Greatest Thing Ever Shredded Was Oppression."


JSHAP: 35% of all special teams units suffer from premature onsides.
MOBUTU: Ahahaha.
JSHAP: The Patriots' premature onsides against Pittsburgh was one of the great moments in recent Steelers regular season history. Such a cathartic feeling because it was like, "YOU CAN'T HURT US. ANYMORE."
MOBUTU: It was so cathartic for the rest of the country because Jim Nantz was like, "That's a brilliant play by Polamalu!" and Simms immediately said, "Well, that's illegal." Then they replayed it over and over, and if you went to #Stealers on Twitter, it was like a thousand people savoring how clearly the Stealers are BAD PEOPLE.
JSHAP: All I know is Polamalu dove into a pile of fat, and the ball magically doinked 20 yards downfield.
MOBUTU: "Magically." Somewhere across the country, Tebow sneezed.


MOBUTU: Your vote: Shovel, Shuttle or Shuffle Pass?
JSHAP: Rollerski Pass.
MOBUTU: Great, another thing the Packers will be better at than anyone else. The Rollerski Pass: make your entire line eligible and have everyone move into a clump. Yell, "BRATS!" and throw the football at them. Watch the sea of hands raise, and the ball is devoured. Everyone runs across the goal line and is weighed. Whomever weighs the most compared to pregame weight ate the most of the football and is awarded the score.


MOBUTU: A QB sneak with Carson Palmer? he should just throw a walker at the defensive line.
JSHAP: I thought you were allowed to horsecollar someone by the hair. Yeah, YEAH, Dierdorf, you feel me.
MOBUTU: It's frightening when Dierdorf agrees with you. Oh, good, the Cowboys' game:
ROB RYAN: (on sideline, calling in to defense) "Ummm, ugghhhh, be looking for my papers... my, um, 'defense' papers. Also, some Creedence. Do you have any leads?"
PATROLMAN JASON GARRETT: "Leads? Ahahhahaha. Oh, sure, we'll give you LOTS of leads! 35 points by halftime. Ahahaha 'leads'."
JSHAP: Was it YOU who compared Rex and Rob Ryan to George and Oscar Bluth?
MOBUTU: Ahaha I don't think so.
JSHAP: In that case I totally made that up. Yaaay, Dolphins rollerski pass.
MOBUTU: It was to Reggie Bush, though, so it got 1 forward yard, two lateral yards, and he vacated an award at the end.


MOBUTU: What frustrates me about Raheem Morris and Josh Freeman is that they'll be used as examples why "black quarterbacks/coaches aren't good," when that's absurd. It's just that these particular guys aren't very good.
JSHAP: There is a meme in Pittsburgh where a talk-show caller asked — after, I think, the Texans loss — if the Steelers were suffering from Tomlin's "hip-hop coaching style." Which just opens up a world of imagination.
MOBUTU: Right after Francona quit in Boston, a bunch of white guys were calling in to WEEI and saying, "John Henry will probably bring in an Asian or black manager because he's a liberal and does stupid shit."
JSHAP: They're tired of Tomlin calling in plays via beatbox.
MOBUTU: "Tomlin's gotten away from the running game and made Ben pass more because he's resistant to making other black people work. That's why Big Ben has to score more points that he's forced to 'share' with Mendenhall. And of course the best guy on the defense ISN'T EVEN A CITIZEN."
JSHAP: This bill proposes the removal of the word "American" from American Samoa.
MOBUTU: OBAMA is using POLAMALU and VICTORINO as VOTER FRAUD MUSCLE to take PENNSYLVANIA from YOU. So… what are you gonna do about it, WHITEY?


MOBUTU: Joe Flacco looks like the slender sexually ambiguous scion of a great banking family who went into the family business only because he grew too tall for ballet. It's a multi-generational story by Thomas Mann: Buddenbrows.
JSHAP: Oh God, you're right. I think Joseph Flacco was a character in Chesnutt's The Marrow of Tradition.
MOBUTU: Every year at Christmas, Joe Flacco's wife harangues him until he drags the Christmas lights out of the garage and strings them up in his eyebrows.
JSHAP: I just got this text from my brother: "Arian Foster is on CBS Studio show. Tried to bring up Occupy Wall Street and got shut down immediately by JB through studio banter skills. Chuckled right out of it. What a pro."
MOBUTU: It's hard to believe a billion-dollar industry with overwhelming conservative interests and a plutocratic structure, that's covered by another industry just like it, would want to pretend economic dissatisfaction doesn't exist in this country.
JSHAP: I had been told that CBS cares.
MOBUTU: That's the Columbian Broadcasting Company, man. You didn't land in the Santa Maria, man. The Santa Maria landed on you.
JSHAP: My brother's fantasy football name is, "Maclin Has AIDS, Dawg," based on something he overheard some guy say about Maclin's malady in another fantasy football conversation. A couple weeks ago he changed it to, "Rivers Has AIDS, Dawg."


MOBUTU: There are only two Graham Gano records worth a shit: most points by a Redskin in one season; the Violent Femmes self-title.
JSHAP: Oops I switched to Bengals/Ravens after the catch and forgot I was out of the Zone. It's called making your own box, Hanson.
MOBUTU: I go to the double box at least 10 times every Sunday. (I mix Franzia Cabernet and White Zinfandel over ice.)
JSHAP: Classy and refined, like the great Flacco east coast banking family. Speaking of east coast gentry, Ryan Fitzpatrick! Harvard! The Social Network. Winklevoss. Some kind of joke like this. The Bills need a spark; put in Patrick Fitzryan.
MOBUTU: He has a tendency to riverdance behind the line instead of just hitting the hole, but when he does hit the hole, he can only pick up a first after a delay for 9 yards.


MOBUTU: Every time Blaine Gabbert does something dumb, the stadium needs to start playing "GABBER-GABBERT HEY! GABBERT HEY-HEY-HEY!"
JSHAP: Blaine Gabbert with the French pronunciation should be the antagonist/rival love interest in that Flacco novel.
MOBUTU: The Browns, an anarchic artist collective led clandestinely by Joe Flacco, only intercepted the football to feed their families—and hearts.
JSHAP: The Maryland setting is, in a way, its own character.


JSHAP: Kevin Smith's TD celebration was overwritten, obnoxious, faux clever and demonstrated comic book-level comprehension of religion, gender and philosophy.
MOBUTU: I thought it was moving when he took two long strides to think about dunking over the crossbar before sinking to his hands and knees and trying to keep his vomit from splashing back up on his moobs.
JSHAP: Holy butt, Sidney Crosby is going to play tomorrow. BRB: local group hug.


MOBUTU: Christian Ponder's play has killed a small creature. It was a little dog named Snuggles.
JSHAP: He doesn't even have a Gabbert Hey song to fall back on. I didn't realize I was on CBS again, and a Kaye Jeweler commercial came on where a husband gives his wife jewelry to thank her after he graduates from college late in life. A universal story?
MOBUTU: Was it a diamond pendant of Jane Seymour opening herself?
JSHAP: Indeed it was.


MOBUTU: Oh, glorious Cincinnati touchdown!
JSHAP: WHO DEY.
MOBUTU: Joe Flacco standing on the sideline staring with his horizontally compressed Cillian Murphy head!
JSHAP: "Everyone thinks Andy sucks but then he does okay." — Comcast episode info for every week of Bengals football and The Office this season.
MOBUTU: Man, the Ravens are really showing their weakness here without Ray Lewis' Toe coming in to make the key fifth tackle in a pile two seconds after the ballcarrier has stopped advancing.
JSHAP: TOEBODY BELIEVES IN US.
MOBUTU: According to iTunes, I only have over two hours remaining on my iPhone software update, which will almost certainly erase all my photos.


JSHAP: I have sensory overload, too much mediocre stimulation. By stimulation, I meant RedZone + reading a Penguins message board + yes I am masturbating right now, but not about Crosby.
MOBUTU: I'm lurking on Cam4.com and asking the girls why they don't get a good AA degree. "You know who'd like to hear from you on Thanksgiving week? Your father."


MOBUTU: You know what's frustrating about Philip Rivers is that it's illegal for fans to rush the field and beat him with sticks.
JSHAP: Rivers has AIDS, dawg.
MOBUTU: ahahaha
JSHAP: I was stunned during that Monday night game when they casually mentioned that he has SIX KIDS. I wonder who he has more petulant tantrums about, the kids or his teammates.
MOBUTU: How old is that guy anyway? I wonder if he and his wife pulled the goalie at age 18.
JSHAP: Y'ALL NEED TO SHUT UP THIS IS PATHETIC EXECUTION OF YOUR CHORES.
MOBUTU: Ahahahahaha.
RIVERS: WHAT YOUR FAILURE TO FOLLOW THE SHELFPLAN WITH YOUR BOOKSHELVES TELLS ME IS THAT YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT SHELVES. YOU ARE NOT READY FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL, AND YOU SURE AS HECK ARE GONNA GET BOUNCED FROM COLLEGE. BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU WHAT: THE NUMBER OF BOOKS YOU HAVE ON THOSE SHELVES IS ONLY GONNA GET BIGGER.

RIVERS: NOW I MAY NOT BE A FAN OF AL DAVIS, BUT WHEN I SEE THE DUSTBUNNIES IN THIS KITCHEN AND THE SMUDGES ON THE GLASS DOORS, I SEE A LACK OF COMMITMENT TO SWEPTCELLENCE, AND EVEN IF YOU ARE MY YOUNGEST CHILD, YOU JUST WINDEX, BABY
JSHAP: One night Phil has to make dinner for the kids, and he serves everybody chips sandwiches, but they don't like them, so he passive-aggressively smirks and shakes his head.
MOBUTU: They're just Sun Chips in English muffins.
JSHAP: You know they are.
MOBUTU: He lines up six halved muffins on the counter and upends the open bag of Sun Chips on them, then slams the muffin tops on them with a thud and "SMASH MOUTH, SMASH MOUTH, SMASH MOUTH, SMASH MOUTH" followed by, "BOOM!" and "THAT'S WHAT I CALL A 'WE EATER'!"
JSHAP: Marinoesque production.
MOBUTU: His kids sit in their high chairs and cry, and he's just not hearing any of it. He thinks he can motivate the food into their faces. "NOW LEMME TELL YA WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS LUNCH," he begins, his forearm slamming down on the table and briefly sending a sippy cup with a picture of a helmeted Jesus on it skittering in a little circle. "I LIKE THAT THIS LUNCH AIN'T AFRAID TO TAKE IT TO YOU. DON'T CRY ABOUT THIS LUNCH. DON'T PLAY THE LUNCH'S GAME. PLAY YOUR GAME. STAY HUNGRY."
JSHAP: Rivers is inspirational. How many kids does Cutler have? Because I would love to see the two of them get into another pissing match while coaching Little League or trying to buy the last available action figure before Christmas.
MOBUTU: Jay Cutler would be out at the Pop Warner field sleeping behind the wheel with the newspaper spread out on it. His kids would be trying to concentrate on a pass play, and he'd accidentally honk the horn and then say, "Shut up, Shanahan," and then smack his lips.
JSHAP: People say Rivers isn't clutch, but he has sparked this chat.
MOBUTU: Philip Rivers is kind of a transcendental dickhead. If the movie Contact came out now, the first thing the aliens would send back would be a bunch of sideline footage of Philip Rivers, and then we'd have to have a joint session of congress where Matthew McConaughey says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this is a clear message telling us that there are black holes and assholes out in the cosmos, and I recommend we fuck this bullshit and move on," and then Henry Waxman asks him to put his shirt back on.
JSHAP: So he's delivering the ball in space.
MOBUTU: I'm just kidding. If there really were extraterrestrial life out there relying on Philip Rivers broadcasts, we'd never see them because they'd get intercepted.


JSHAP: You know, I don't know what your Classical commenters think, but if a black athlete had six kids, my inkling is that he would probably not be held up as a shining exemplar of venerable moral opposition to artificial contraception. Santonio Holmes had like two kids when he was drafted in 2006, and Steelers fans were mortified he was lowering the property value of the draft class.
MOBUTU: I don't know what those aggrieved and wearied of hearing about racial double standards think, but if a black quarterback had ridden a motorcycle drunk without a helmet and been accused once of rape and then was accused again of rape, and the black Sheriff investigating that incident not only washed down the crime scene but referred to the alleged victim as a "drunken bitch," I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even have a job as a third-stringer in the CFL. And if the girls were white, well, ahahahaha. Not to reopen old wounds.
JSHAP: I started writing something about this for you almost a year ago, but it's kind of weird that the comments about my main man Roethlisberger are not even wounds anymore, old or otherwise. It's like it's not even a part of history except for burns on football message boards.
MOBUTU: I only have 56 minutes remaining on my iTunes download, but 96% of it will be completed in the final four minutes because I'm upgrading to iTebow. Meanwhile, Jay Cutler is ballin'.
JSHAP: Boom. Choke on that shit, Phil's kids.


MOBUTU: I love it when Brian Billick gets all pumped about THE SMOKE ROUTE. He loves saying SMOKE ROUTE, like he wants you to hear the capitals. It always reminds me of running a SMOKE defense for every play of a Madden game once because it was the funniest play name that wasn't DOG BLITZ.
JSHAP: I would always call safety blitz, because I thought it was a blitz to get safeties.
MOBUTU: Ahahaha, how old were you?
JSHAP: Ten.
MOBUTU: Oh, I was like 25.
JSHAP: Also, every play I would just drop back with Kordell Stewart, let all the linemen run out of position and let secondary get really deep, then turn it up the field for easy gains. Little did I know I was designing John Fox's offense for 2011.


MOBUTU: Really cool headline suggestion for copy writers for tomorrow: "THE JAKE LOCKER."
JSHAP: I found a word.doc about that Roethlisberger piece I mentioned. I know I have an actual draft somewhere, but such a promising genesis:
"If Ben Roethlisberger was actually a rapist, I wouldn't like him. I think." is the opening sentence and then the rest just reads

- if it vaginally bleeds it leads (this is supposed to be a clever turn of phrase but it's just about periods, which aren't even used in headlines)
- earned cheapshots and jokes in perpetuity, don't know if they'll actually be perpetual

- “Big Ben Boards Bardoor, Bangs Broad”?

- equate football failure with punishment for rape? not exactly karmic
- you can't unring that bell, you can't unrape that belle
HELLO, PULITZER!
MOBUTU: RUN THAT BABY
JSHAP: Let the "The Jake Locker" guy clean it up.
MOBUTU: That poor copy editor's typing away in the Memphian Post newsroom as days pass, and the camera pulls down to the teletype churning out headlines:
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Suspected of Raping a Teen
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Found Passed out Drunk in Duck-Shaped Paddleboat
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Accused of Having Sex with Koi Pond
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Marries Two Women at Once in Tuvalu Ceremony
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Honored with SEVENSBURGH Float in Christmas Ceremony
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Sleeps in Hyperbaric Chamber Shaped Like Vaginal Canal
(AP) Ben Roethlisberger Rapes Tim Tebow
JSHAP: Oh god, I want all of those to happen. Did you know Triple H and Stephanie McMahon were at Ben's wedding? That is the true story of a thing that actually happened.


JSHAP: Leinart is watching this Cardinals game laughing, but then he suddenly remembers he has to play next week and gets depressed. More so when he finds out Arian Foster has been maced at #OccupyTheAlamo.
MOBUTU: Matt Leinart is currently studying game ale from the shotgun.
JSHAP: Leinart's in the whirlpool, and the trainer comes over to ask him what he needs worked on, and Leinart tells him to fuck off. Then a girl bobs her head out of the water.
MOBUTU: After he finishes, Matt Leinart walks into the film room, finds the trainer and headlocks him, then starts shoving an iPad into his pants because, "It sounds like you're on your fucking period, you pussy."
JSHAP: Who would you rather see as the protagonist of a Longest Yard remake remake, Ben, Leinart, or Phil? I guess Vick was the one who was actually in prison.
MOBUTU: Ben wouldn't even go into a fake prison. He'd be afraid it was a trick.
JSHAP: Rivers would be a fish-out-of-water story.
MOBUTU: Matt Leinart's peering at the screen, watching data roll past, trying to find the loophole that lets him submit his NFL game tape for an AVN Award.
JSHAP: Yeah, Leinart gave the old cliché, "I don't measure success in Pro Bowls, I measure it in SpikeTV Guys' Athlete of the Year Awards."
MOBUTU: Matt Leinart is watching TBS and calling their executive headquarters, demanding to talk to the guy in charge of MOVIES FOR GUYS WHO LIKE MOVIES because "Spy Kids 2 blows dogs." He clarifies: "I don't like this movie." He is talking to a recording.
JSHAP: "And you pussies took all the swearing out of 5 Fast 5 Furious."


JSHAP: Nice INT, Jay.
MOBUTU: What ingredients would you put in a sandwich called The Jay Cutlet?
JSHAP: Only the freshest pickings.
MOBUTU: I was going to say a minute steak that's tough as hell, wet cigarette butts and a Sominex. There's only 7 minutes left on my iPhone software update download!
JSHAP: The secret ingredient is Lovie. Oh God, Rivers returns the pick favor.
MOBUTU: Philip Rivers just laid a huge egg there, but on the plus side, he's already inseminated it, and his wife is pregnant again.
JSHAP: Sevensburgh. Rivers has no protection.
MOBUTU: Philip Rivers has actually just given up wearing his own non-jersey clothes and travels everywhere in a support skirt made of three interconnected diapers.
JSHAP: Name Phil's six kids. I've got Phil, Phillippa, Touchdown, Tomlin-Son, and Norv's Gay.
MOBUTU: Phil, McCracken, Quick Out, Deep Out, LaGaynian, Phil Jr.

JSHAP: Nice. I assume Quick Out and Deep Out are twins and that's how they were birthed.


JSHAP: I can't believe we did the whole RedZone. I thought I was going to bow out after the 1:00s. When you edit this down to something readable, please make me taller.

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