Tuesday, August 25, 2009

An Open Letter from Sheriff John Bunnell

Note: we, the good people of Et tu, Mr. Destructo?, like to broaden our coverage of the national discourse by occasionally turning to voices and viewpoints not represented by our regular contributors. To discuss the Public Option health plan, we welcome the host of World's Wildest Police Videos Sheriff John Bunnell.


PASSING THE BALL ON THE PUBLIC OPTION MEANS PUNISHING THE PEOPLE TO PAMPER THE PERPS
by SHERIFF JOHN BUNNELL

IN EVERY MAJOR CITY. IN EVERY TOWN. IN EVERY RURAL COUNTY. EVERY DAY, THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE HEALTHCARE INDUSTRY ARE ON THE FRONT LINES OF AN OVER THOUSAND-YEAR BATTLE WITH THE FORCES OF DEATH. BUT TODAY THE PROFITING PLUTOCRATS OF THE PRIVILEGED CLASS ARE DECLARING WAR ON THESE PUBLIC SERVANTS AND THE PUBLIC PEACE. THEY WANT TO MAKE YOUR STREETS, EVEN YOUR BODY, UNSAFE. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO PATIENTLY SPELL OUT FIVE WAYS A UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE PUBLIC OPTION PRESERVES, PROTECTS AND DEFENDS THE PEOPLE OF THE REPUBLIC.


1. BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA
TYLER JEREMY IS OFF TO MAKE A BUCK. BUT HE CAN'T EVEN WEND HIS WAY TO WORK WITHOUT BEING WORRIED ABOUT GETTING WOUNDED. THAT'S BECAUSE TYLER JEREMY, LIKE NEARLY 50 MILLION OTHER AMERICANS, CAN'T AFFORD HEALTHCARE. HIS HOPES FOR HEALTH AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN HIJACKED BY THE HEALTHCARE HIGHER-UPS WHOSE HIGH PRICES AND HIGH REJECTION RATE CAN MAKE HEALING A HELLISH HASSLE. BUT IF WE PASS A PUBLIC OPTION, WE PASS THE BATON TO POOR AMERICANS WHO CAN TAKE IT AND PUSH ON TO PROSPERITY AND PUT THESE PENCIL-PUSHING PICKPOCKETS OUT OF THEIR PENTHOUSES AND INTO THE STATE PEN.

2. HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT
BETSY HART IS AFRAID TO GO OUTSIDE. THAT'S BECAUSE HER TOWN IS AN INSURANCE TOWN. THESE BAD-ATTITUDE ADJUSTERS ARE OUT ON EVERY STREET, MAKING YOU APPREHENSIVE ABOUT APPEALING FOR YOUR RIGHTS. NAMELY, THE RIGHTS TO COMPETITIVE COSTS THAT KEEP COMPARABLE WITH CURRENT CONTRACTS, THE RIGHT TO CUT UP A CONTRACT WHEN THEY CUT OFF CARE AND THE RIGHT TO CUT A RUG WITH A NEW COMPANY THAT CARES ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS. BUT IF WE CAN GET THE MEN AND WOMEN OF HEALTH ENFORCEMENT ON THE STREETS, WE CAN GIVE PEOPLE A SQUARE DEAL THAT FIXES THESE CROOKED CONTRACTS AND SETS THE INSURANCE INFLUENCE ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW.

3. ORLANDO, FLORIDA
PHYLLIS GREENE CAN'T GET A PRESCRIPTION FILLED WITHOUT HAVING TO WALK THROUGH THE SPHERE OF THIS FLY FELLOW FROM PFIZER. PHYLLIS COULD FALL PREY TO ATRIAL FIBRILLATION, BUT FEEDING THE BEAST MEANS BELLYING UP TO THIS BOTTOM-FEEDER WHO'S ONLY GOING TO OBEY HIS BOTTOM LINE. IN THE WAR ON DEATH, EVERY DEALER IS OUT FOR #1 WHEN EVERY CITIZEN IS IN DANGER OF BECOMING JUST ANOTHER NUMBER—A STATISTIC. WITH THE MEN AND WOMEN OF HEALTH ENFORCEMENT ON THESE DRUG CORNERS, WE CAN FORCE THESE CARDIAC CON-MEN AND CANCER CAPITALISTS TO COME TO HEEL. WHEN WE STEP UP TO THEM, THEY AND THEIR PRICES STEP DOWN, WHILE SURVIVORS STEP INTO A TOMORROW THEY WOULDN'T HAVE IN A DEALEROCRACY.

4. QUEENS, NEW YORK
WHEN ABE COHEN TOOK OUT A LOAN TO COVER LAPAROSCOPY AND LIPITOR, HE DIDN'T THINK HE'D BE PUTTING A LEIN ON HIS LIFE. BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID WHEN HE DOVE INTO DEBT TO DENY ANOTHER DEBIT TO THE DEATH COLUMN OF HEALTHCARE DEMOGRAPHICS. WITHOUT THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW MANAGING MEDICAL BILLING, MORE MEN AND WOMEN WILL MORTGAGE THEIR FUTURE WITH THE LOAN SHARKS OF LONG-TERM CARE. WHEN TWO-THIRDS OF BUDGETARY BUST-OUTS ARE BET ON PUTTING A BAND-AID ON BAD HEALTH, WE KNOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MEN AND WOMEN BEHIND BLUE CROSSES AND BLUE SHIELDS TO BATTLE A BROKEN BARGAIN THAT SENDS THE BEDRIDDEN TO BANKS AND THEN BANKRUPTCY. ANYTHING LESS, AND WE HAVE ONLY OURSELVES TO BLAME.

5. SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS
WHEN DARREN MADDON DECIDED TO DEVELOP A NEW KIND OF DENTAL DAM, HE DIDN'T KNOW HE'D BE DARING TO DEAL WITH A DOUBLE-DOWN ON HIS DEBT. THAT'S BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE PREDATORY PEDDLERS OF PREVENTIVE CARE RUN A PROTECTION RACKET AS PESKY AS A PASSEL OF PIT-VIPERS. DARREN'S DREAM WAS DASHED BY THE DEMANDS OF MEETING MINIMUM MAINTENANCE CARE FOR THE MEN WHO MANUFACTURED HIS NEW MODEL MOUTHPIECES. BUT JUST TRY TELLING THAT TO THE MEDICAL MAFIOSI WHO KNOW HE CAN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT MAKING THEIR PAYMENTS. WITH A FAIR-PRICE FLATFOOT WALKING A WELFARE BEAT, MAYBE THIS INGENIOUS INVENTOR COULD HAVE IGNORED INTIMIDATION FROM INSURANCE INSTIGATORS SLYLY SUGGESTING SMASHED STOREFRONT WINDOWS AND SLUMPING SALES. BUT DARREN IS STILL STUCK ON A CORNER WHERE THE "CARE" CAPOS COLLECT, WHETHER YOU CAN COVER THE COST OR NOT.


THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN DECENT CITIZENS AND THE DENIZENS OF DEATH ARE THE MEN AND WOMEN OF HEALTH ENFORCEMENT. THESE FINE AND FEARLESS PROFESSIONALS HAVE ONLY ONE FORCE FOILING THEIR FAITH AND YOUR FORTUNE: THE PROFITEERING PURVEYORS AND PRACTITIONERS OF PRIVATE INSURANCE. ONLY WHEN WE WELCOME A WAR AGAINST THEIR WAGES AND WEALTH WEANED FROM OUR WORRY ABOUT OUR WELFARE WILL WE TAKE POWER FROM THE PIMPS AND PUSHERS AND TAKE BACK OUR HOMES AND HOSPITALS FOR OUR WELL-BEING.


THANK YOU THINKING OF ME WHEN I THOUGHT THESE THINGS,
SHERIFF JOHN BUNNELL


COMING UP... ON ET TU, MR. DESTRUCTO?
THIS JITTERY JACKANAPES IS ALREADY JOLTED ON JAVA WHEN HE TRIES TO ROB THIS JAMBA JUICE. BUT WHEN THE QUICK-THINKING OWNER CALLS THE MEN AND WOMEN MASTERING THE MAYHEM OF THE STREETS, THE ONLY THING BEING "CARRIED OUT" IS THE RESTRAINED ROBBER, DELIVERED IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS, TO JAIL.

2 comments:

  1. hey you really are the biggest fucken tool i ve eveer seen you cunt

    ReplyDelete

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.