Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fucked-Up Video Wednesday: Gabe Newell, Death Dealer

I have no idea who Gabe Newell is. Apparently he runs Valve Media and the Steam community, but these words are meaningless to someone whose gaming enthusiasms run to forcing trades for all the best players to the Boston Red Sox and destroying the New York Yankees for an entire season, or getting completely shitfaced and then sprinting through Star Wars: Battlefront II and slaughtering Jawas because I find their screams arousing.

Online gameplay has never meant anything to me, because in-house gameplay has already permanently evolved beyond my commitment. Sure, yeah, if I stop and put some thought into it, I can play any game really well and know what all ten buttons do, but I don't care. That's work. I want to play a game. If I wanted labor at great expense to my free time, I'd swap my wife's birth control with sugar pills. What I want from a game is about six buttons, max, most of which are devoted to:
a. removing the quarterback's head from his body, intercepting the ball or otherwise humiliating the opposition;
b. hittin' dingers;
c. going on a suicidal murder spree through the opponent's lines, gunning down at least 8-10 men before dropping a grenade at my feet (right before succumbing to my injuries) and taking three more with me.
Anything beyond that is some technicist trash that needlessly gets in the way of turning my brain off and occasionally doing something really rad that gets replayed at me in slow motion just long enough for me to open another beer.

Which, again, is why Gabe Newell means nothing to me. He's an obese and deeply unappealing person affiliated with the gaming community, which essentially makes him another undifferentiated blobbo nerd. But apparently he inspires enough ire that one person decided to faithfully recreate him in avatar form in Grand Theft Auto IV and blow him up a shitload of times.

Just a short while ago, an e-crony of mine sent me a link to this playlist of Gabe Newell slaughter videos that he'd compiled. It's hysterical. I laughed so hard at this I started crying. Here's the playlist (I recommend you to click the HD links for the best effect):

Now, the guy who sent this to me didn't create the videos himself, just the playlist. The person who staged and edited the videos, racistman3D, seems like he's got a perversely talented set of video editing skills. Also, don't let the name worry you: apparently it was adopted to satirize gun-nut members of an online forum, by making videos showing things blowing up in reaction to the "growing Obamanation." A good example of that might be "Operation Clown,"

which is accompanied by this hilarious text explanation of its contents:
in the 22nd century, mankind was at its darkest hour. a top secret military program selected the most elite clowns worldwide, transforming them into regular clowns. taking the appearance of a clown, the superclown is perfectly disguised (as a clown) and could be anywhere. this terrifying stealth element lead us president Black Osama Hussein to start a clown-targeted "clownhunt", figure-headed by the shadowy McClowny. soon, the modern world succumbed to this "McClownyism", ushering a new dusk for the people of the earth.
I don't know who this racistman3D is, but I applaud his combining an avatar of the self-serious gamer community with exactly what I'd probably do with him in a video game: get loaded and just drive into things until they blow up, while laughing hysterically.


  1. Yeah, that compilation clip is about the maddest fucking thing I've seen in ages. I was splitting a gut through most of it. I saw something similiar on another YouTube clip that some gamer had posted from "Dead Rising". The hero who was doing things like running around through the mega-mall killing zombies with patio umbrellas from the food court did something really memorable. He picked up a big plant pot (complete with plastic fern still in it) that looked like it weighed about 300 pounds, threw off a promenade, and smashed in the heads of the two or three zombies it landed on. All accompanied by a major spray of zombie brains and blood. It looked awesome.

    I wish I had these kind of game skills but I come from an era where I somehow managed to totally suck at the old 25-cent PacMan/Galaga/Centipede consoles in 7/11. So the new games where you need about eight tentacle arms to play them right are beyond me.
    It's sad, because going by what racistman3D managed to do with GTA:LC there's nothing more that I'd like to do than take a bunch of magic shrooms, go gaming, and laugh until my head exploded. It looks like a real blast.

  2. I literally never finished a Super Mario Brothers game after the first one. Never saw the point.

    I've had GTA3 for about 9 years now, and I get about 75% of the way through and don't care. Any game that verges on work is stupid. I just want to bounce around or kill bad guys. Or good guys. It doesn't really matter so long as you can map out the simple level of mental commitment I need to deploy.


Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.