Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fucked-Up Video Wednesday: Gabe Newell, Death Dealer

I have no idea who Gabe Newell is. Apparently he runs Valve Media and the Steam community, but these words are meaningless to someone whose gaming enthusiasms run to forcing trades for all the best players to the Boston Red Sox and destroying the New York Yankees for an entire season, or getting completely shitfaced and then sprinting through Star Wars: Battlefront II and slaughtering Jawas because I find their screams arousing.

Online gameplay has never meant anything to me, because in-house gameplay has already permanently evolved beyond my commitment. Sure, yeah, if I stop and put some thought into it, I can play any game really well and know what all ten buttons do, but I don't care. That's work. I want to play a game. If I wanted labor at great expense to my free time, I'd swap my wife's birth control with sugar pills. What I want from a game is about six buttons, max, most of which are devoted to:
a. removing the quarterback's head from his body, intercepting the ball or otherwise humiliating the opposition;
b. hittin' dingers;
c. going on a suicidal murder spree through the opponent's lines, gunning down at least 8-10 men before dropping a grenade at my feet (right before succumbing to my injuries) and taking three more with me.
Anything beyond that is some technicist trash that needlessly gets in the way of turning my brain off and occasionally doing something really rad that gets replayed at me in slow motion just long enough for me to open another beer.

Which, again, is why Gabe Newell means nothing to me. He's an obese and deeply unappealing person affiliated with the gaming community, which essentially makes him another undifferentiated blobbo nerd. But apparently he inspires enough ire that one person decided to faithfully recreate him in avatar form in Grand Theft Auto IV and blow him up a shitload of times.

Just a short while ago, an e-crony of mine sent me a link to this playlist of Gabe Newell slaughter videos that he'd compiled. It's hysterical. I laughed so hard at this I started crying. Here's the playlist (I recommend you to click the HD links for the best effect):

Now, the guy who sent this to me didn't create the videos himself, just the playlist. The person who staged and edited the videos, racistman3D, seems like he's got a perversely talented set of video editing skills. Also, don't let the name worry you: apparently it was adopted to satirize gun-nut members of an online forum, by making videos showing things blowing up in reaction to the "growing Obamanation." A good example of that might be "Operation Clown,"

which is accompanied by this hilarious text explanation of its contents:
in the 22nd century, mankind was at its darkest hour. a top secret military program selected the most elite clowns worldwide, transforming them into regular clowns. taking the appearance of a clown, the superclown is perfectly disguised (as a clown) and could be anywhere. this terrifying stealth element lead us president Black Osama Hussein to start a clown-targeted "clownhunt", figure-headed by the shadowy McClowny. soon, the modern world succumbed to this "McClownyism", ushering a new dusk for the people of the earth.
I don't know who this racistman3D is, but I applaud his combining an avatar of the self-serious gamer community with exactly what I'd probably do with him in a video game: get loaded and just drive into things until they blow up, while laughing hysterically.