S'up, dawgs. Flavor Flav the epitome, a public enemy, still countin down to armageddon. I had em stick the picture at the right in there just in case y'all havin the readin issues and couldn't figure it out. Course I guess if you can't read, this didn't do shit for y'all anyway, so what the fuck you readin it for? That don't make any goddam sense, boyyyyyyyyyy.
Anyway, where's I at just now? Shit, that's right. Maybe y'all remember I did a track bout 20 years ago now called "911 Is a Joke." I brought the flaaaaavaaaaaahhh. Still bring it. Still is a joke. Straight up. 911 is a fucking joke. If you a strong nubian brother or a big beautiful black woman, you betta not get shot or fucked up by your man, because ain't shit comin for you. Might as well take a fuckin taxicab to the hospital. Least then them bitches in white coats be fixing up yo body instead of cuttin yo ass up to see what the fuck kill you.
Y'all know what? Better not even sound black on the phone. Bitch dispatcher probably hear the black on your voice and think, "Ima route this shit to someone else who give a fuck, because I sure as fuck don't." Shit, don't even sound Puerto Rican. That's close enough for them. If you gotta go into some neighborhood they be seein on the map and goin "yeah, theyall's minorities living there," betta be in a car or holdin onto a cell phone, cause the only thing gettin yo blackass outta there is yo damn self. Know what else? Don't even call 911 on a blackberry. Buncha crackerass motherfuckers probably think the phone gonna fuck em up if they get too close.
Anyway where the fuck was Flava FLAV goin??? Oh yeah, 911 still a joke, but you know what aint? 9/11 Is NOT a Joke.
Everbody got they stories about where they was and what shit they was doin when it happened. I wrote this same shit every year or said it on some interview show, but people keep askin, so might as well keep tellin.
I was up in motherfuckin Banff. No shit homie, right? Fuckin Banff. This girl I know is all, "FLAV, YOU MY MAN, LET'S GO UP TO BANFF" and I'm all "What the fuck is a Banff? Motherfucker put an extra vowel in there and make it BANOFF or some shit. Goddamm." So anyway she all "WE GOIN SKIIN, FLAV" and I'm like motherfucker, does it look like I ski??? I go off one of them bumps and land on my ass and my clock is broke. That way shit's only gonna be right twice a day. That's still two times more offin than George Bush, but shit that ain't good enough, knowhimsayin? Girl was crazy as FUCK.
I knowhatcha sayin, you sayin "Flav, why you talkin about a girl like that? I saw y'all on Flavor of Love and you was the sweetest man I eva saw." And you know, my ass still sweet, but sometime my tongue sharp, because I gotta keep it real and sometimes I gotta whup yo ass with the realness so I's sure you listenin. All that sweet you see on the teevee, well you be sweet too if y'all was tryin to get into Brigitte's giantass panties. Y'all don't trifle with 'Gitte, girl had a long swing, knowhimsayin? (And I ain't lyin about them panties. Ship them bitches to Baghdad and make that loco fuck George W. run the bitches up a pole and half the motherfuckin middle east gonna see his crackerass surrenderin.)
Anyway, where was I? Right. This girl bein crazy was the real deal, you feel me? I knew her in real life before the show and shit, and even though she knew everthing over-like-done with us, she still tryin to get on my show, thinkin maybe I close off my heart to her in real life but maybe if she a contestant and change her name suddenly I be all like "who this fine piece? Mmmmm-MM that caboose don't look familiar, but goddam if I don't like some strange." Ain't happenin because Flava know his fine-ass ladies, knowhimsayin? Lemme say that shit again. CRAZY. AS. FUCK.
Anyway, problem with this Banff deal is, girl hot as fuck too, ya feel me? So we go to Banff because I ain't gonna ski, but I am gonna hit her slopes like what, and we get there and it HOTTER THAN MY BALLS because them canadians havin canadian summer, and I'm like, "Girl, ain't no fuckin SNOW here. This canadian shit is broke." And she all "OOPS FLAVA" and it turn out she dont even know how to read a thermomater because them canadian crackas using some fucked up penny-grade system aint mean shit to anyone I ever know.
What the fuck am I gonna do now, right, knowhimsayin? I didn't fuck up those VH1 pussies and tell them Ima give their ass the Worst Week Ever just to get them to hand over a Gulfstream gonna take me to canadia to watch rocks and fish and shit and have some wetass summer on some wetass mountain. I'm all, FUCK THAT, so I drive my Escalade up the rockass, all the way up the fuckin top because fuck yall if you tell me not to, and Im up on top the bitch and say, girl, we gonna ski down this motherfucker. And just when I'm puttin funkadelic on the iPod and crankin up the bass because, seriously, fuck all these birds and leopards and shit, some cracker look like Dudley Doo Right come up on a GODDAMN HORSE and be all, "Sir, Ima haff to ask you to get down off this mountain." And right then I'm all, hoooooolllll up, son, Imabout to. You just tell Mr. Ed when he watch me rollin he best not be hatin. And he all, "That's not it, sir. America got itself attacked. You in danger on this mountain. Maybe the terroris gonna start fuckin up richass mountains."
Well that attack shit made me bug the fuck out, because next thing you know, I floor the bitch and we sprayin mud and rocks and all kinda the lord only know at that big red lollipop canadian bitch and his ride, and I take the fuck off down the mountain, bouncin and shit just like we used to roll back in the day, and before I even worryin about if the spinnaz get ding I get down there and they's 50 more lollipop canadians all waitin to charge me with resisting a horse and assault on a jolly rancher and shit.
9/11 is a fucked up day, and everbody had one, so show some love for other peoples and respect. That's why I get up in someone face when I see shit like this.
I'm serious, man. WHAT. THE. FUCK?
I dont even know where to start. Check this shit out. One, eagles and dogs are natural enemies. That shouldn't even be there, cause in the wild one peckin the shit outta the other and the dog chowin down on his ass and shakin him. Then you got that Captain America punk (ain't a stain of black on that outfit too, just like the America bullshit my brothers know about, you feel me?) jumpin onto some kinda spaceman lady. Girl didn't do shit to him, but there he is, punkin her. It just like I say, the reason white ladies dig the proud nubian man is because he know how to treat her right. Even if she a spaceman. Then you got that Private Pyle motherfucker starin off into space because I guess he played for the yankees??? I knew he owned him now his dad had a stroke and went stoneface like he got the voodoo on him, but I never knew he was a player. Then you got Hogan punching his arm through some other ballplayer head, and you got Magnum wearing a Winston hat. Fuckin weirdass shit.
Then you got this.
Someone tell me what the fuck this gotta do with the Towers, man? I dunno, shit, look like some lady tiger also some kinda angel or somethin, but her boy tiger got killed in the Towers (WHAT THE HELL A TIGER DOING IN THE WTC??? He think he gonna help out by goin in there, eatin up a bunch of brothers, maybe takin a piss on FDNY homies on fire???), only now she pregnant, and some boygirl gonna be the babydaddy????? Look at that. Even all them birds know that shit all kinda fucked up and flyin away before they get any crazy on em.
Oh, man, don't even get me started on this bullshit here.
This some sick, sick, sick shit goin on. You got Lord Voldemort going all boogeyman at people, scarin motherfuckers outta the towers. He all "WAAAAAAUUUUGGGHGHGHGHGGH!!!! I'M A NINE ELEVEN!!!!!!!" and spookin the shit outta people to death. Look at that brother fallin. That's a brother, right? That motherfuckin bitch-ass Voldermort. "Y'ALL DO WHAT I SAY OR MORE BROTHERS GONNA DIE!!!!!" Goddam.
See? This why I hate talkin about 9/11. Ain't nobody take it serious anymore. Just when you wanna look at a cryin eagle for america, you got one gonna perch up on a dog and be all "wassup dog? I'm a fuckin eagle gonna sit on you for some fucked up reason." Just when you thinkin about all the brothers and the good white folk and the firemen and police got killed in the Towers, you got some cat angel hangin with her ladyboy and scarin the shit outta birds. Birds don't know what the fuck. Then when you thinkin it can't get no worse, you got some insane baldo motherfucker tryin to startle brothers to death, make em fall outta buildings.
I can't take 9/11 no more, man. People treatin it like some kinda sick joke, and 9/11 IS NOT A JOKE.
Y'all can catch reruns of Flavor of Love on VH1. Ima also be on Kimmel in a couple days.