Friday, December 16, 2011

Ron Paul Is Dead, Miss Him Miss Him Miss Him

Note: unlike many guest pieces on Et tu, Mr. Destructo? today's article comes from a real, live person: Mornacale, a serious journalist and Brusly High School and Louisiana Campaign for Liberty's 2011 Douchebag of the Year. Despite showing all outward signs of an intelligent human being, he's still a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates. He has yet to be seriously accused of killing anyone. You can follow him on Twitter.

How I Became Douchebag of the Year

Ron Paul died on the night of December 12, 2012. I know because I killed him.

I won't insult you by explaining who Ron Paul is, or detailing the extent of his fame/infamy across the internet. Nor will I expect that you aren't aware that Dr. Paul is (as far as I know) as healthy as ever; I understand he even gave an eerily good showing in the debate last night. This is a story about a hoax. Well, no. This is a memorial of a joke, a celebration of how a few bored strangers can unite the world in mourning over the tragic death of a living man.

Ron Paul was murdered by a Twitter hashtag. It was a nice, quiet one; its neighbors never suspected a thing. But in the evening of December 12, 2011, #MakeRacistJokesNotRacistAnymore began trending. Unable to think of any racist jokes of my own to respond to the amusing ones on my timeline, I chose to slightly re-interpret "joke" and tweeted, "Ron Paul died." (Note: all images below link back to the original tweet.)

@Boring_as_heck followed up with a heartfelt eulogy

Finally, @moewytchdog gave it a hashtag.

I went about my business, expecting nothing to come of it. But shit, as they say in the reality business (and possibly the waste management business), got real.

#RIPRonPaul caught fire. Within ten minutes, my Twitter feed looked like a screen in a hacker film, with jokes and retweets scrolling so fast I barely had time to add my own. By the time I'd thought to myself, "Wow, this could actually become a trending topic," I saw that it had topped the United States trend list. By the time I posted an acknowledgement of that, the topic was #1 world-wide. It had been 40 minutes since the original joke.

There seem to have been five main types of reaction to Ron Paul's tragic demise. Some of us, like myself, reported the news in a serious fashion:

Others went in a more absurdist direction, often speculating on the cause of death:

A lot of folks weren't sure exactly what was happening, or who the perpetrators of this dastardly plot could be:

Some well-organized folks tried to co-opt the trend for their own nefarious political purposes:

Finally, of course, the most personally gratifying responses came in anger:

All in all, a lot of people wrote a lot of silly words about a silly man. Truly, the future is now. I am certain that a more erudite thinker could find a deep meaning in this episode about the interconnectedness of the modern world, the unexpected consequences that a simple joke can have and the transitory, illusory nature of the internet. Unfortunately, I am not that man, so I will instead leave you with a pair of people who I think summed up the entire #RIPRonPaul experience satisfactorily.

Rest in peace, you crazy racist sonofabitch.


  1. I would just like to thank you for including screenshots of my tweets in your writeup of this famous story. I can't understand why Bill Simmons' Grantland would not have included me in the story they did.

  2. very good piece, would die again

  3. bahahahaha the Grantland piece mentions Mobute's jokes without crediting him.

  4. Very good but still only gets a silver medal. To earn the gold you would have needed Greg W. Fathead to comment on it.

  5. this made my life to end this with me. may God bless.

  6. That night amused the hell out of me, watching the whole thing play out. Glad to see stuff on here that I missed. Good joking, sir.

  7. Hey Mobutu, I really like your entertainment/pop culture writing. Can you write something about the Showtime drama "Homeland"? All of my friends keep trying to convince me to watch it but I tried once (last night, for the finale) and thought it was awful and weirdly racist.

  8. Does that mean you can now include a Ron Paul personality as one of the deceased insane politico writer pseudonyms on your site? I could really get behind Ron Paul updates.

  9. @Anon,

    I haven't even had a chance to see it, and I've got way more of a backlog on silly TV stuff than I expected. If I write anything, it'll have to be after watching the whole season on DVD or something.

    It's an intriguing idea, but at this point I think this place is moderately popular enough that there's more incentive for writers to use their own names or pseudonyms. It's not a resume black hole the way it was in 2009/2009. Besides, I think all the fake Ron Paul's tags would mess up the thread tagging for real pieces about Ron Paul. He'd have to be billed as "The Dead Ron Paul" or "Fake Ron Paul" or something, and that would just make the joke really obvious and not as much fun.

  10. LitMargaretNan sez:

    "NOT DEAD and NOT WEIRD. Look deeper and you'll see."

    but only by mistake, that comment was supposed to go in the "RIP Kim Jong Il" thread instead.

  11. what's with the paul hate?

  12. ROfLMAo!
    That's soooo TWISTED!
    Thank you

    Alas, the hopeful fluffers persist.
    At least his spawn is up to the 50s, but completely blind to where all that went wrong.


Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.