FOX News Poll: Gauging What We Told You Your Opinion Was

There's a poll up at FOX News right now about the healthcare vote. I don't usually read their site very much, but a friend who was trying to induce an Eastern European art-film level of despair in himself visited it today just to look at the paranoid ignorance of the comments section. While there, he spotted this awesome poll (a picture of it is posted below right, in case FOX decides to take it down):

YOU DECIDE
Health Care on Track for a Vote: Will It Pass?

• Yes -- Obama and Pelosi are doing whatever it takes to make this law.
• No -- In the words of Tip O'Neill: 'All politics is local' -- and us 'locals' are ready to toss the 'yes' voters.
• Not sure -- Either way the system needs reform.
• I don't care -- We no longer have a say in what our 'representatives' do.
• Other (post a comment)

Now, obviously this poll has substantial problems. The data it gathers is of no use to anybody. Asking the American people whether a bill will pass is a pretty stupid way of predicting a vote's outcome. There are only about 500+ people whose replies are going to be helpful at all, so really it's sort of like polling people today about who's going to win the 2009 World Series.

Maybe that's what they mean by the line at the bottom that, "This is not a scientific poll." Science is untrustworthy; poll the controversy.

What's fascinating here is that FOX News evidently isn't interested in its viewers' opinions even when it asks for them. The process of taking this poll doesn't mean selecting one action or another or advocating an outcome: it means selecting something because this must be what you already believe about it. It's quite impressive, actually. They've managed to transform the process of asking someone what they think into one of telling them whatever that might be. You have to admire a level of framing that manages to convert interrogatives to a list of imperative talking points.

The bounty this poll offers is a framework for coming up with your own poll ideas. Don't worry about sloppily throwing one together; it only adds to the authenticity. Try it out!

YOU DECIDE
Will Gay Marriage Ever Be Legalized?

• Yes -- By indoctrinating children in public schools, gay marriage will gain national approval through the backdoor.
• No -- America was founded as a Christian nation and still is. Gay marriage is not recognized by the Constitution.
• Not sure -- I'm bisexual.
• I don't care -- Most things don't matter to me since I tested HIV-positive from constantly sucking cocks and taking load after load of poz cum in my bitch fuckhole.
• "Other" -- Most homosexuals do not recognize simple shapes or speak English as a first language.

If that doesn't work for you, why not try this?

YOU DECIDE
Immigrants?

• Yes -- I hate jobs, children, am made of maggots, and that lawn ain't gonna mow itself.
• No -- America! America! AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Even the taco was founded in the United States, as was all good Mexican food. Tex-Mex was actually exported.
• Not sure -- If they are confined to designated haciendas concentracíon located outside hardware stores and are guarded, they could prove useful when Vern wants to expand his stupid toolshed he never even uses anyhow, I swear that guy's full of shit.
• I don't care -- God created Arrakis to train the faithful. You cannot go against the Word of God.
• Other -- Several passages of the Book of Daniel, when properly interpreted by the Scofeld Reference Bible's crystal cipher, indicate that the convergence of taco stands in Akron, Ohio, and Jews in Jewtopia, will speed the advent of the Rapture.

These are not scientific polls.