Pyongyang, May 25 (KCNA) -- General Secretary Kim Jong Il enjoyed an art performance given by soldiers of the Kamnamu (persimmon tree) company of the KPA honored with the title of the thrice three-revolution red flag together with servicepersons of the KPA.Yeah, that's how my PR guys wrote it up. Let me give you my version:
The soldiers of the company known to the whole country as a symbol of Kim Jong Il's loving care for the soldiers put on the stage chorus "Our General Is the Best", story-telling and song "General and Our Kamnamu Company", quartet and chorus "May Soldiers' Song of Happiness Reverberate Far and Wide", poem and song "The Blue Sky over My Country", instrumental music and song "Our Days as Soldiers", solo and chorus "Who Ever Taught Me?", chorus and dance "Song of Coastal Artillery Women", chorus "Footstep" and other colorful numbers of various genres.
I Would Totally Fuck All These Bitches
by KIM JONG-IL
I didn't have very great hopes when I came out to this event. I know the lead singer: a cute, saucy female officer who I'd seen on parade long ago, determining that I would bone her, if I had the chance. And one other little cadet I know. A full-figured tart who was brought out of the sticks to work undercover security when we had the Burmese foreign minister in Pyongyang (Pig-fuckers are still pissed off about '83), and who's been on duty at my weekend palace ever since. But then as I look about the table at this after-party, it dawns on me that none of the assembled women here are beastly, and that given the opportunity, I would totally fuck all these bitches.
You have to appreciate the great odds against such a confluence of sexable girls. Most women are not attractive, and those that are tend to keep company with the less aesthetically gifted so as to be surrounded by living reminders of the awful transformation that awaits should they stop regurgitating the bulk of their meals. But that wasn't the case here, all these bitches were totally fuckable and liable to orbited at all times by moons of defensive, jealous hogs. Sometimes, one may find himself in the company of a bunch of chicks, and you'd say to yourself, "Yeah, I'd do two or three of these broads." And you might make a mental note that you'd be willing to dick a couple berthas in the group if it meant you'd get to bed one or more of their hot friends. How such a negotiated coitus contract might be arranged is a matter for the experts to ponder, but there's no harm in mentally preparing yourself for a decision should it be put to you.
The miracle here is that there wouldn't be any mercy fucks in this group: they are all independently and decidedly fucktastic. I think I would start with serenading soldier girl. She's got traditionally pretty Asian features but a gutter country-girl mouth. Plus, she's throwing down the booze like a champ, and nothing gets me stiff like a chick that can match me at binge drinking. Or at least hang for the first couple hours before face planting into my crotch. I get her aside at some point, and she gives me a story about going on some gay-ass date with an Eastern European douchebag in Abu Dhabi, and then she asks me about the chick I'm "in a relationship" with on the DisgraceBook. Fuck that noise. I just agreed on that status change so as to keep away all those Internet Trolls, and I would totally fuck up Dracula and bang his woman in any Gulf state of my choosing.
Maybe I'll go for the cadet next, just for completeness sake. She's got a great rack for an Asian broad, and a bam-bam ass that just craves a mighty spank. I actually think she's the most likely in this group to taste my fuck rod. She's always loitering around my command room, and she'll always accept my invitations to go out for a drink, and then we head out and she'll order something like apple juice. Doesn't she know what "go out for a drink" means? Of course she does, but she doesn't want booze, she wants me to check her estrogen level with my dipstick. And by dipstick I mean my erect penis.
From there, I think I'd go on to the Malaysian chick. What's she doing here anyway? Exchange program, diplomat's daughter? I don't know but I would totally rip up her hot pocket. I might run into trouble if she's Muslim, but I don't think she is as she's tossing back the mojitos and looks to be of Chinese extraction. She's got big 'ol Barbie eyes, but her nose is a bit weird; kind of mushed to her face at the top and extending down to a tiny little button with nostrils. It's like an anime nose, really. She's also really tall, and I can already feel those sticks wrapped around my pelvis as I test out her plumbing. Tall chicks sometimes nerve me out, being a short guy. Don't feel sorry for me though, because I've got the length where it counts. I am packing serious heat.
This Argentinian chick sitting next to me is totally fuckable too. Or maybe Colombian? That's right, she's a FARC floozy here for a courtesy call and another donation. These resistance groups are like magazine subscriptions: You forget about them until they send you another invoice every six months. Anyway, what matters is that she will beg to bounce on my tamale. Latin chicks tend to have awesome lips, and this one is no exception. Before its over, I hope to part both sets of labia with my dong. Olé!
Maybe the singer's sister next. Not quite as hot, but definitely worth a stab. By this point, these bitches would probably be talking and getting pissed off at each other for succumbing to my seductive talents. Chicks all want to think they're special, yeah. All unique little snowflakes, deserving of daddy's love and not Uncle Pak's. Boning the sisters would likely cause some kind of rift, but totally worth it. Anyway, that's why I'm knocking them off in a special order, so that I'll have bagged the best ones by the time these chicks' pride overtakes their lust for my dingus.
Next comes the little one with the hard-to-pronounce name. She might actually be the hottest, and therefore maybe out of my league. I'm not too insecure to say it: I can't attract every bitch with my face, softball biceps and the zucchini-sized bulge in my pants alone. Sometimes it takes a little charm as well, so I'll wait till this one's nice and lit before I try to get into those tight-ass jeans.
The last may be prove to be the sleeper in this bunch. She's got the feature's of one Asian parent, but there's clearly a Honky in the woodpile with those big Caucasian jugs and hips to match. She's right there in that sweet spot for big girls: still thin enough to be cock slammed, but chunky enough so that she thinks she's fat. Besides wine spritzers, is there any weapon in a man's seduction arsenal more potent than a lady's own self-loathing? The plus-sizers are always the most energetic at scromping because they've got something to prove. Prove it, thunder thighs. Hop onto my love spike and show me how thankful you are.
That rounds 'em out. I better get to work, as I'm getting drunker and these bitches are getting finer all the time.