Monday, May 2, 2011

Get Ready for the 'Maritimers'

From the New York Times (emphases mine):
Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of the most devastating attack on American soil in modern times and the most hunted man in the world, was killed in a firefight with United States forces in Pakistan on Sunday, President Obama announced.

A crowd gathered to celebrate outside the White House Sunday night as news of Osama bin Laden's death spread.

In a dramatic late-night appearance in the East Room of the White House, Mr. Obama declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that American military and C.I.A. operatives had finally cornered Bin Laden, the Al Qaeda leader who had eluded them for nearly a decade. American officials said Bin Laden resisted and was shot in the head. He was later buried at sea.
You can write this script in your head. Our non-American president fabricated the non-murder of the greatest enemy of all Americans to distract from "real" truths about his birth certificate. Barack Obama fake-killed Osama bin Laden to keep us from noticing how much of a Muslim or a fake American he was all along.

I know! It almost makes no sense, but that's what makes conspiracies true. You keep adding multiple implausible conditions because you can't help it. A true thing is what happens when you say white is black. But a dire conspiracy is when you say that you're not a Kenyan Muslim because you went to college in New York and you killed a guy near Islamabad, but you ditched his corpse in the Indian Ocean, and you're totally home free. Connect the dots.

Or not. Get ready for the "Maritimers." They'll know the truth about bin Laden's body. They'll read it off blogs and everything.

EDIT: from The Guardian:
Burial at sea is rare in Islam, though several Muslim websites say it is permitted in certain circumstances.

One is on a long voyage where the body may decay before the ship reaches land. [Ed. Like a journey to America.] The other is if there is a risk of enemies digging up a land grave and exhuming or mutilating the body – a rule that could plausibly be applied in Bin Laden's case.

1 comment:

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.