Thursday, July 22, 2010

SomethingAwful: Meet Miss Destructo!

Sometime last year I was on AIM* with occasional contributor Rigamarock, killing time by posting links to weird websites and then trading one-liners about them. I'm not really sure how I was finding these sites. I know one showed up on a Google Image Search for argyria, the blue-skin condition that libertarians get from drinking too much colloidal silver to show the FDA that it isn't so smart. The others were more random-chance sorts of things, like when you just type in words and add .com to the end of them, like, "PresbyterianHorse" or "FiestaHitler" or start entering random search terms like, "Rowdy Maureen Dowdy" or "Climbing to the top of Mount Groin on [Your Name Here] Just Topped My Bucket List."

Because I was screwing around, I typed in the words, "MrsDestructo.com." No luck. I tried, "MissDestructo.com." What I found was breathtaking. Until then, I had been certain that my wife was not a lifestyle blogger. I was so, so wrong.

But for the rest of that story, you're going to have to keep reading at SomethingAwful.
___________________

* — For the dads reading, that's short for AOL Instant Messenger, a chat client. AOL, of course, is short for "America Online," the dial-up service that, for a period in the 1990s, you thought was the entire internet.

46 comments:

  1. Miss Destructo is absolutely amazing and CLASSY! To tear apart who she is and what she does shows us that you wish you had the following she does. I can see your frustrations that she indeed is able to maintain over 10k followers on Twitter where as you don't even have 1k. Get over it. Miss Destructo has created a brand and that brand happens to be awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ahahaha what actually does she do?

    Also congrats on measuring the worth of anything by "bigger number = better than."

    ReplyDelete
  3. It was nice of Miss Destructo to reply promptly to your criticisms, and in classy third person too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Blacksmiths in the 1840s have created more relevant brands than miss destructo.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can understand why Miss Destructo may not appeal to your sensibilities, but to spend over a year and many words to tear here down is simply bizarre. But everyone needs to get attention somehow, and you've found your niche.

    I didn't see anything in your piece about how genuinely witty, entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny Miss D. is. Perhaps you haven't paid close enough attention. If you engage her on Twitter you'll find out.

    You also failed to mention the significant role that Miss Destructo played in the evolution of Foursquare Day. (I'm sure you have a draft somewhere about just exactly how much Foursquare Day sucked. I look forward to reading it.) But because Miss D. is a local social tech celebrity in Tampa Bay (which you probably look down on, also), her posts and tweets really helped it go from a tiny local concept to a world-wide event. Her carefully crafted #fake4sqday tweets were pure genius. In response to this comment, please poke some holes in the real humor and fun that thousands of people had that day.

    In the end, could it be that you are simply jealous that she is better at creatively, upliftingly branding herself than you are?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nathan boner fartford is a idiot. Miss Destructo is boring as fuck. Branding is for poops. Mobute rites words good & is funny. I luff him

    ReplyDelete
  7. if you think the ability to "brand yourself" is an admirable character trait you should probably kill yourself

    ReplyDelete
  8. hahahahahahahaa there is a thing called "Foursquare Day". People have said the words "Foursquare Day" out loud and referred to a thing that exists.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hysterical WomanJuly 22, 2010 at 8:09 PM

    Isn't Foursquare that thing where you Twit about where you are? I didn't know she made such a vital contribution to society. She deserves a Nobel Prize in Twittering.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Miss D. is a local social tech celebrity in Tampa Bay"

    This is asinine, and completely untrue. That is like saying that someone is a star of the special olympics. The Bay Area in general is a good 6 years or so behind everywhere else, and those that live here and are involved in media successfully either contribute quietly or do the lions share of their business somewhere else and just rest their heads in the Bay.

    I actually read this article all the way through. The author of the piece is exaggerating on how long he actually paid attention to her, which is humorous. He contacted me not too long ago to try and figure out what she did, if anything.
    I confessed that I had never heard of her (because I actually do *real* stuff and things, and contribute to the local community, instead of spending relevant time in the make believe realm of 140 letters). Two days later by pure accident I saw her speak at an event that was poorly attended on "Social Media Networking" where, despite having a very well groomed hairdo, her answers to questions about social media made me scratch my head. She really had no answers aside: "do it all the time, and follow everyone". I had a couple people ask me who she was and what she did. The answer was: "She has 10,000 twitter followers. She is attractive. She spends a LOT of time twittering."

    Not: She plants trees in clear cut forests
    or
    She runs a successful and informative blog
    or
    She is an artist
    or
    She is in politics
    or
    She helps underprivileged youth
    or
    She runs an art camp non-for profit for kids
    or
    She started a publication for the local _______
    or even
    She has a bunch of money that she donated and / or invested in local business that people support.

    No, she has "10,000" twitter followers. Gimme a break. Think of all the people who had 14,000 Myspace friends and how far that got them. Moving on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is funny because this article didn't seem to me to be about the blue haired lady at all.

    In reality I found this article a clever diatribe (thinly veiled as a character assassination, so as not to upset people) on social media, and how empty it really is when someone makes an effort in it alone; instead of making an effort in reality and reaping a following because they actually contribute to something. The twitter blue haired woman is just a example, (albeit a rather small, backwoods, small fish small pond version) of this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think this is a lame and very low blow. It's a dick move. I almost posted my "real" info but you seem to be just the kind of obsessive psycho (the kind that would spend a year stalking some chic because of her NAME and writing a freaking book about it) that could do some crazy shit. Pathetic dude really.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lol, yeah, it's a "low blow" when someone who goes to great effort to create a mass-distributed branded public persona has a member of the public freely exercise a right to comment on it negatively. There'd be some worth in explaining how inane that claim is, but evidently you think checking back maybe four times over the course of a year whenever someone says "oh, I wonder what happened to that site" constitutes psychopathic stalking for a whole year and anything over 2,500 words is a "book." Given how overwhelmed you apparently are by even a moderate number of words, it's no wonder you don't understand what they mean.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Surprised you didn't hit on all her EXTENSIVE work.

    ReplyDelete
  15. "I didn't see anything in your piece about how genuinely witty, entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny Miss D. is."

    Did you read it? Because I'm pretty sure he covered that in detail.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks for sharing this abysmal crap with the world Mobutu... perfect snapshot of the shallows of 'success'. I had to give up trawling her archives after about 4 pages, it was just too depressing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I may be wrong by I think that I saw her participate in a group shoot for COHF a couple of years ago. Now I call THAT doing something important with your life!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've lived in Tampa all my life. And I've never noticed this emo-esque chick - her garish style blends into the typical scene at Czar/Orpheum/wherever. Now, if she started wearing a lame/weird/creepy costume , then I'd probably remember her.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh all-powerful warrior who leaves fire in his wake, tell me the point of your article. Was it a sort of biography or an advertisement for your blog? I hate both of you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hmmm, it would probably be good to stop any sexual-content comments right here. Not that I don't think that brand you mentioned is a fine internet product, but I mean, obviously there's plenty of criticism to work with already.

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Joe Blow, I wrote it because I want to impress you and Jodie Foster.

    ReplyDelete
  22. @Tampon,

    Peter Pan man rules.

    Also, nice guy.

    ReplyDelete
  23. For those who don't know what that refers to: this is Peter Pan Man. He's weird.

    ReplyDelete
  24. "I think this is a lame and very low blow. It's a dick move."

    Assuming that this comment is from the classy dame herself: How is it a low blow? He could have used your real name but didn't, he commented on your online persona and everything he said was true.

    Your narcissism doesn't allow you to see that the article isn't really about you - as other people have said it's about the "industry" you represent, you just happen to share/have stolen the Destructo name. I don't know Mobutu but if you think he's going to stalk you then you are dumber than the article makes you look - and that's pretty dumb.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No, keir, that's not Miss Destructo. There weren't nearly enough grammar and usage errors. That's just someone who wants to sleep with Miss Destructo.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I've known some folks online who started blogs and later abandoned them. (It's hard enough staying a relevant citizen on some forum or other; leaving it to go labor in obscurity on a blog can be a bit quixotic, even if you are lucky enough to pull a couple interested folks along, and it takes some effort and motivation and skill to build readers instead of followers. Or at least that's my take.) It was the strangest thing though: the people I knew would quit their blogs but various links to them would remain on other sites, to be clicked occasionally in ignorance or error; after a time, these links became active again, when someone or other had reclaimed the name.

    Inevitably, these old links would connect to blog-like sites, which were filled with post-esque entries. Charitably, they mostly seemed not particularly well written and fairly pointless, as if someone was trying to be a person with something to say, but had nothing really. Closer inspection revealed something more sinister and empty. One usurper blogged about nutrition and pets, as I recall, but there was not much logic behind it, just a series of buzzwords and stuff, strung into approximately English sentences. It was as if some high-power versificator had constructed posts from the language of old advertisements. I'd call it stream of consciousness, but then that'd imply consciousness.

    Eventually, we figured out that these were people trying to somehow capitalize on a known, and linked, site name. I don't know if they were trying to get advertising clicks, or supplant some other piece of crap advertising site with links. (Although I don't remember any links, they might have been there.) At best, I figured, it was some sucker getting rich quick, filling up words on autopilot, getting ideas by looking around the room. I never ruled out computer generation though.

    I take it that Miss D. is trying to work a similar, um, enterprise (although, I assume that her name is at least original, coincidences aside). I never more than wondered about who does that sort of thing. Finding an actual human behind it, who's proud of her work no less, well, I find it all a little disturbing. It's like really believing in the power of Amway or something--lots of people evidently do, but you really don't want to meet that conviction face-to-face.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Boy am I dissapointed at the response to my comment. I thought the readers of this blog would be able to do better than calling me "boner fartford"

    I figured that there's be some wit in the cowardly anonymous quips. Clearly not.

    Moving on to people who produce rather than tear down.

    ReplyDelete
  28. i am a boner-fartlord and i agree with dr. nathan boner-fartlord, od, because i too am a lonely shut-in who can only interact with women through the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  29. how about 'Nathan Buttzilla-Wartface' is that better

    ReplyDelete
  30. Nothing like watching guys cum. I’m not the only one who finds this hot am I?"

    ReplyDelete
  31. dear nathan bonaroo Wharflard:

    you thin that it's admiral and desireable that people gift themselfs identies like a teaming of fat old men and idiot 27 yr old new median "crateives" sitting around a beige table would gift to a exon-oil murdering rape company. your personal brad is a big fat idiot in a dumb typesetting that you rote backward on forehead in mirror yeasterday mourning. fuk u

    sincerely
    your wife, Desirée Bonar. ps i removed the hymen from my last name and also your last name from my last name. c

    ReplyDelete
  32. I apologize to Nathan Bonaroo-Worf. Here is a funny thing to read, to make up for the immature people. I hope you laugh a lot when you read it. I know I did. (I'd highlight the jokes for you, but fortunately the English rules of grammar concerning proper nouns took care of that for me.)

    "The Foursquare Day story is one about people, ideas, community, Tampa Bay, social media, and crazy deadlines. Foursquare Day started as whimsical thought by Nate Bonilla-Warford. An optometrist by training, he has been a dabbler in social media for years. Immediately after Foursquare became available in the Tampa Bay area, he very quickly saw its value and blogged about it. From a personal standpoint, the friendly competition of the game was engaging. He found himself discovering new places such a Yoshi Café, which, it turns out, has better and cheaper sushi than the supermarket next door. As a business owner, Foursquare clearly offered a way to connect with and build relationships with patrons with almost no financial expense.

    Nate is amused by simple number relationships like squares and primes and he makes a big deal about Pi Day each year. The thought struck him that since four-squared equals 16, it would be great to check into Foursquare on the 4th 16th of the year, otherwise known as 4 / 16 or April 16th.

    Nate floated the idea on Foursquare’s Getsatisfaction.com forum on March 12, 36 days before April 16th. An entire week passed with no activity before Kenneth Glanton suggested a Foursquare Day badge. He shared the idea with many of his friends on Twitter. Prompted by Ken’s enthusiasm and the recent excitement over Foursquare’s success at SXSW, Nate wrote up the Foursquare Day proposal and started a Facebook event on March 22, with 25 days left.

    Within hours Laura Petrolino, a friend of Nate’s, contacted him with some ideas of ways to run with the story. The following day she set up the Foursquare Day Facebook Fanpage and wrote this blog post, explaining nicely why local businesses would benefit from participating in Foursquare Day. Also on that day Nate met Jessica Barnet at a social media lunch meeting. She contacted the Foursquare team about the idea which resulted in their March 26 announcement on Twitter , “BTW, we’re officially declaring 4/16 as 4SQ Day! 4 squared = 16 = 4/16, get it? (thx @redheadjessica) http://www.facebook.com/FoursquareDay” This was re-tweeted over a hundred times and drew much more attention to the Foursquare Day Concept. There was exactly three weeks to go until the newly-official day.

    Word spread via twitter and Facebook and, yes, even in real life. Many planning meetings were held and many blogs, tweets, and videos were posted online. During this time, the concept of Foursquare grew from simply being a day to check in to the first global social media holiday, which Nate described here."

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sorry Mr Boner-Fartlord I didn't mean to twist your panties up so tight. I produce plenty of fecund bowel movements, which my fellow scatfans find quite stimulating. I'm quite a prodigious producer *fartz*. WET ONE!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Pardon, sirs, as a real Boner of the Fartlord clan, I take offense to all this chicanery. Mr. Vanilla-Whorefarts is not & never has been a member of the Fartlord extended family. Though he sounds quite boneriffic & flatulicious, he is in no way tied to our tribe. Please let me make that clear. Thx!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Dear Mr. so-called "Violet", as a fellow Boner-Fartlord, and the inventor of Fourscat Day, I am both offended and aroused by your comment concerning Dr. Nate "Nate-Dogg" Boner-Fartlord, OD (On Deez-Nuttz) and his tight panties. Please be advised that you will be receiving a Cease-and-Desist letter from my legal council, as well as a thirty-second phone call consisting of heavy breathing and mild groaning from me.

    ReplyDelete
  36. FYI: The name "Miss Destructo" came from her childhood nickname "destructogirl".

    ReplyDelete
  37. FYI: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I came back and read this post and its thread, and this is the best post in the thread, by far. It's just so damning.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Sir,

    Feel free to do a feature on how lame I am or Foursquare Day is. It would make my day.

    ReplyDelete
  40. "Go Ahead, make my day." -Bonilla-Warford, completely forgetting about America Freedom Day in his enthusiasm for Foursquare Day. You said you'd never forget. But I bet you'll be the lifelong Mayor of the Ground Zero Mosk. SMH, and the loyal eagle perched on my shoulder is also SHH.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Amazing that somebody would use so much energy to tear somebody apart when you basically do the same thing (just less successfully) yourself. At least one of you has enough courage to tell people your real name.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Here, let me just bold the relevant portions of that last comment for anybody reading:

    Anonymous said...
    Amazing that somebody would use so much energy to tear somebody apart when you basically do the same thing (just less successfully) yourself. At least one of you has enough courage to tell people your real name.

    Things I can't bold but which are just as funny:
    • That you measure success in Twitter followers.
    • That evidently you measure content in terms of numbers. Look, here's a blog post. Here is another blog post. That both are blog posts means that there is an equivalency between them. (Ignores that one is a copy paste job of phone specs from Gizmodo with a link to an Amazon wishlist)

    Nonetheless, I apologize. Your point is made. Obviously Miss Destructo is a superior online person because people with such abundant reasoning skills have said so. Who could fail to take you seriously?

    ReplyDelete
  43. I didn't say anything about Twitter followers. I was referring to Alexa reports of your blog and hers but yes, she does also have more followers and more people who "like" her page on Facebook. By any quantifiable measure, her online persona is more successful than yours. You seem to like insulting other people's intelligence ...shows weakness and insecurity.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Ahahaha you measure success by Alexa rankings. FYI, what shows significantly more weakness than mocking unintelligent comments are the unintelligent comments. Again glad to see you humping the weakness argument from behind anonymity, despite objecting to it.

    Also, do you need any more Mariska Hargitay or Thackeray nudes?

    ReplyDelete
  45. the happy beaver, mk iiJanuary 9, 2011 at 9:51 AM

    "By any quantifiable measure, her online persona is more successful than yours."
    What does it matter when her (your?) blog is vacuous, an empty shell of marketing? Mr Destructo's writing, on the other hand, is thoughtful and meaningful, and his is honestly one of the best blogs I've come across on the Internet.

    ReplyDelete

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.