Friday, July 23, 2010

Dear Lindsay Lohan: The Best Site You'll Read Today

Supposedly the man who writes this website is named Greg Rutter. At least, that's what he claims. I have no way of backtracing with the cyberpolice to check his Facevault for previous Bing Bangs. It probably doesn't matter — except maybe to Greg, who I'm sure would like you to pay him money for more words — because it's awesome.

Greg's guiding conceit in writing Dear Lindsay Lohan is this: "There's no audience like a captive audience." As such, he's sending a postcard to Lindsay Lohan for every day that she's in prison. They are short, and they are sublime. For example:
I had a discussion with my friends about whether neutered animals still feel the compulsion to mate. For example my cat, neutered, has never met another cat in his whole life. I would think that he must think he’s the last of his kind on earth but still searches for clues to find a surviving pocket somewhere out there. My assumption is that he must get lonely and has a hard time dealing with his own desire for love. Humans don’t even really understand it and we’re at least able to discuss it with others of our kind. Regardless, what a thought to imagine the profound sadness of our pets and the lives they lead. Oh, I just realized you now probably think my cat’s name is “Neutered”. It’s not.
Check back daily. The fun can only last for so long, especially given that she'll probably be released in five days for managing to not crush an inmate's head between the bars in a frenzied cocaine withdrawal.