Thursday, November 27, 2008

Twitter Twaddle

A couple months ago, I joined Twitter. I had zero sincere reasons to do so. I haven't the slightest interest in telling people what I'm doing right now because most of the time I don't have the slightest interest in what I'm doing right now either. Writing down whatever it is and inflicting it on other people seems to me to either be narcissistic or needlessly cruel. It's the personal-activities version of smelling month-old milk and saying, "Eeeeuggggh!!! This is terrible. Here, smell this."

Still, because I'm old and lame, I allowed myself to be talked into Twitter. If every idiot is using this, I thought, there's a good chance these idiots will stumble across my Twitter page, on which I'll cleverly have left a link to my blog. That was my entire motivation: cynical promotion for this thing.

Of course, nothing really happened. The same people who read this still read this, and nobody's come swanning in from the Twitter page. Unwilling to just walk away without at least making something of it, I started trying to update Twitter every day with the stupidest thing I could think of. I eventually slaved my Facebook status update to it, partly in objection to the surprisingly self-absorbed seriousness with which some people updated their Facebook, partly to elicit some genuine belly laughs from the few friends who likewise refuse to take "social networking utilities" remotely seriously.

After so much time making an ass of myself, I thought I'd compile some of the better updates and share them here. Feel free to click any of the thinks and choose to "follow" me on Twitter. I expect to keep this asinine exercise going. For anyone reading this who is unfamiliar with Twitter or Facebook and wondering why these are all really short one-liners: both Twitter and Facebook essentially restrict you to a 140-character limit. While it can be frustrating, it poses sort of an interesting comedic challenge.


shotgunned a bunch of old-timey sarsaparilla and is gonna start foghornin' it
12:04 PM Aug 20th
from web

eagerly desires to powerlevel his paladin-buddy friendship with you 5:47 PM Aug 21st from web

I don't care how much it costs per month. I'd pretty much kill to join a website called "Captain Stabbin' and Tennile." 9:22 AM Aug 25th from web

Mess with my neighborhood? You're only gonna get two or three chances before I call the county and register an anonymous complaint. 5:28 PM Aug 25th from web

I wonder if you gotta wear black boxer-briefs at a funeral. 7:49 PM Aug 25th from txt

This bullshit funeral doesn't even have wireless 12:14 PM Aug 26th from txt

Lou Holtz is my Aryan love pixie. I'm about to break his game wide open. 8:01 PM Aug 30th from web

oh shit im all up in lou's backfield, getting constant pressure 11:00 PM Aug 30th from web

nobody will suspect a thing when i try to enrich uranium using these tubes leftover from a few rolls of wrapping paper 11:48 PM Aug 31st from web

best thing about pilsner urquell is imagining how fucked up that nerdy kid on "family matters" musta got when he thought he had his own beer 2:16 AM Sep 1st from web

whoa, jim, you're going to be on the hook for a lot more legal liability unless you can get this hasenpfeffer incorporated 4:40 PM Sep 1st from web

this palin lady sorta looks like the shrink from "Sopranos." here's hoping she goes topless in season one of the mccain administration 8:02 PM Sep 1st from web

had that dream where i was mowing down smurfs with an AK again. just a wall of blue flesh and la-la-la-la screaming and red sharp death 5:06 PM Sep 2nd from web

i'm not saying i want to have sex with a chicken. but if i did, i'd make it the new pop-fad by callin it "cluckin" 6:57 PM Sep 2nd from web

if i told you how unbelievably easy it is to assassinate cameroonians, it would blow your mind 6:14 AM Sep 3rd from web

wow, english people get really uptight when you tell them their empire crumbled because they were all stupid, tea-chugging homosexuals 2:39 PM Sep 3rd from web

i found a girl whose pants i wanna get into, and i figure the best way is to class her up real fine. step one: dinner out for canadian food 3:40 PM Sep 3rd from web

just imagine what would have happened to Captain Morgan and his crew if they shipwrecked on the coast of Ireland 4:29 PM Sep 3rd from web

i know that a flyswatter is just a weak-ass spatula. Did they think we wouldn't notice?????? 7:35 PM Sep 3rd from web

i want to meet a hooker with a heart of diamonds because u could fit a lot in there, & they'd be worth more, and she'd be real good at sex 1:00 AM Sep 4th from web

was gonna be upset i gotta go to the doctor but i remembered my subscription to People and BassPro just lapsed days ago so whatev 9:10 AM Sep 4th from web

nothing like visiting your hmo to meet every obese person in your county 12:32 PM Sep 4th from txt

my fave oddly sophisticated NFL player name is "london fletcher." my second favorite is "warsaw sartorius." my third is "copenhagen beadle" 7:37 PM Sep 4th from web

i want Sarah Palin 2 become VP because that way i'm conducting my international relations with this totally sweet mix tape 10:52 AM Sep 5th from web

Tropical storm Hannah is playing havoc with the NASCAR schedule and, by proxy, my reason to even get out of bed and face the world tomorrow. 8:49 PM Sep 6th from web

This one time, we lost my golfball in the woods. Totally gone. That's when I remembered the defoliant Raytheon sold me via an Israeli proxy. 11:54 PM Sep 6th from web

I wonder if Tom Brady's ACL snapped with the same sudden popping sound that you'd get out of the racked spine of a Rwandan irredentist. 10:58 PM Sep 7th from web

This "DD Girlz" movie is very disappointing and inaccurate. None of these girls has rolled a natural 20, and a mage would NEVER do *that*. 1:43 PM Sep 8th from web

people asked me about this, so 'll come clean. yeah, i once watched Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos have sex with a marquetry table 2:59 AM Sep 9th from web

i didn't think they could do it, but i remember being relieved in 2006 when that 11th journalist was killed in russia to cover the spread 2:56 PM Sep 9th from web

i'm disgusted by the national weather service's determination to ruin great patriotic names like ike by associating them with hurricanes 6:13 PM Sep 9th from web

went out with a girl from michigan once who referred to her girl parts as her "Bo Schembechler" also let's just say she had a huge backfield 6:21 PM Sep 10th from web

reading a pretty interesting book, but it'd be 1000x cooler and more exciting if it were called "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar—WOW!!!" 4:24 PM Sep 11th from web

i'm so committed to keeping Twitter real that i tweet these things 1 letter at a time with one of those bobbing plastic birds on a hinge 5:57 PM Sep 13th from web

i know bullets are expensive, but "Gunned Down the Entire Village" sounds much pithier than, "Randomly Executed Some of the Townsfolk" 2:18 AM Sep 15th from web

believes in the depths of his heart that Deputy Elwood Prowse of Orlando is the one who has been prophesied to bring balance to the Force. 3:44 PM Sep 15th from web

i don't care about genetically engineering tomatoes for better growth, but i draw the line at all these new models of frankencats 7:49 PM Sep 15th from web

fuck it, i'm quitting this band. i don't think any of you even know what, deep down, the real message and meaning of ska-core is 4:25 PM Sep 17th from web

starting a new genre called corps-core: pop-punk covers of marine fight songs. we can get intel to sponsor a tour if we call it dual-core 3:57 AM Sep 18th from web

don't come whining to me about eloi right to life. you forfeit guaranteed security when you decide to live upworld 2:52 PM Sep 18th from web

just got back from a haircut & there's no way to be sure, but i'm pretty sure the guy there who sweeps the floors has been keeping my hair 4:23 PM Sep 19th from web

O my god. Becky. Look @ her butt. Its full of stars 12:26 AM Sep 20th from txt

my ideal birthday party involves a piñata and a baseball bat, only the piñata is a Baconator & the bat is my mouth & i am alone 10:44 PM Sep 22nd from web

vilnius is the lithuanian capital & also a cool name only black guys could pull off. like "who r u?" "vilnius! say what 1 more goddam time!" 3:14 AM Sep 24th from web

ppl think ninjas are so cool but i could defeat them by leaving bags of chips around me b/c no1 can touch those w/out making a ton of noise 6:21 PM Sep 24th from web

i'm willing to bet you that sooner or later English people start referring to the butt love as chunneling 10:24 PM Sep 24th from web

the stenographers who do closed captioning for pornography have gotta be so tired of typing *moans* 3:29 PM Sep 25th from web

@stuph every time u eat something unhealthy, punch yourself in the stomach. this conditions you to "fear" fats & keeps u from digesting them 4:45 PM Sep 25th from web in reply to stuph

#1 gripe: when you can't get anywhere near the buffet @ a Morrison's Cafeteria b/c there's a shitload of Sleestaks camped out in front of it 5:17 PM Sep 26th from web

fuck, i don't even NEED a rocker. when i get myself a baby, ima put hydraulics on my car. he starts cryin too much, i start hittin switches 7:36 PM Sep 26th from web

TSA officials saw through my ruse when I entered the cockpit and, when asked for credentials, pointed to the chicken wing pinned to my lapel 11:45 AM Sep 27th from web