Saturday, August 9, 2008

L.A. Times Columnist Bill Plaschke Eats Penis

Some of you may know Bill Plaschke from his appearances on ESPN's Around the Horn or from his L.A. Times column. I prefer to remember him from his many deserved roastings on Plaschke's hooting and whooping as part of the torch-bearing villager posse that ran sabermetrician and former Dodger GM Paul DePodesta out of town is disgusting enough, but his smug satisfaction in refusing to learn anything new and factual about the sport he writes about professionally is worse. Both could probably be written off as the rantings of an easily spooked luddite who fears God's wrath at man's discovering the many Mathemagicks of the Sabermagician, if only he didn't repeatedly devote his column to fellating snakeskin-boot-wearin' chaw-spittin' 100% gen-u-wine traditional baseball moron Ned Colletti,*, a man who's made exactly one good trade in three years, and only then after Red Sox GM Theo Epstein called him up and said, "Ned, I am going to pay you to take the greatest right-handed hitter of the last 60 years."

* — Colletti is the genius who hired Grady Fucking Little to manage the Dodgers in 2006. Little, you may recall, made quite possibly the biggest, most obvious, no-doubt-about it blunder in baseball postseason history by leaving Pedro Martinez in the game in the 8th inning, after something like 110 pitches, in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. This, despite Pedro's performance all season indicating that he was cooked after 100 pitches. Every single person in Red Sox Nation knew Pedro was done. Except Grady. He walked off the mound, confident his starter could pitch out of his current jam. Pedro gave up four consecutive hits to tie the game, which the Sox ultimately lost.

Bill Plaschke is currently covering the olympics in Beijing and eating penises.

No, really.

The video is pretty much perfect and everything you hope it could be, assuming you already hate Bill Plaschke. Otherwise, it runs short on intentional humor and long on insipidity (Plaschke: "We are the world") and that "hoo-hoo-hoo these foreign people eat such kerraaaaaaaazy things!"-style humor.

Unexpectedly, the absolute best part of it is that Bill Plaschke doesn't know if the plural of penis is penises (correct) or "penii" (a faux-Latin masculine plural formation generally put forth by the dilettantish). It goes right to the heart of the man's intellect and devotion to his craft. So far this is what we can say about Bill Plaschke:
1. He's a professional baseball writer. His job is to understand baseball almost as well as the people who manage and play the game. His intimacy with it should exceed that of his average reader, such that he can attack any new developments in it with a significant breadth of knowledge that can reduce complex possibilities to digestible facts and observations. To do this latter part, the tool he must use is the English language: adept handling of forceful verbs and nuanced adjectives will relate both hard facts and colorful atmosphere. This job requires him to be no less than a researcher and an artist.

2. He doesn't know shit about baseball.

3. He doesn't know shit about the English language either.
The rest of the video's pretty amusing, but I'm fairly certain everyone who's ever watched him on ATH or read his columns already knows he huffs dong.