Sunday, August 17, 2008

Dolphin Stadium's Confused Immigration Policy

Sign on Left-Field Fence: MICCOSUKEE.COM
Sign Behind Home Plate: Noticias 23! Univision
Sign on Right-Field Fence: U.S. BORDER PATRIOL — www.BorderPatrol.gov — NOW HIRING

I'm not really sure who the last one appeals to. I understand who it's meant to appeal to: the sort of proto-Minuteman Miami native who's just sitting there on a weekday afternoon, marinating in Budweiser and alternately thinking, "I remember when this town was Miami, not Little Cuba," and, "I'm going to need a job if I want to buy any more Bud." (Only he thinks these things with an accent.) But I'm pretty sure that guy isn't watching the ballgame.

I don't think the official sponsor of Minutemen.Gov has stopped to think this through. Admittedly, right before an unemployed white guy spies the right-field sign and thinks, "Ah, the Border Patrol! That's what I'll do," he's probably yelling, "GODDAMNIT, YOU UGGLA SONOFABITCH, USE YOUR FUCKING BAT AND DRIVE JORGE AND GONZALEZ HOME!" But he probably just wants the Marlins to score a run.

They've also clearly not stopped to notice the inconsistency between crying robbery over migrant fieldworkers taking countless undesirable sub-minimum wage jobs, when the ballfield itself is being manned by immigrants who are robbing Americans of countless desirable jobs, billions of dollars in lucrative contracts and dozens of home runs at the fence. These big foreign hitters are also corrupting the way the game was meant to be played. If we could just get rid of these guys who stand on the bases and wait for their fellow Dominicans to hit a two-run home run, we could finally field a truly American team of nine gritty David Ecksteins, slugging .362 over their careers, settling their caps on their albino brows, digging in and bunting with rolled-up flags.

Then of course there's the almost defeatist resignation of MICCOSUKEE.com, an ad for a casino website, without much elaboration — as if there's no point in making an argument for anything anymore. Just give us your money and go fuck yourselves.

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