Saturday, August 16, 2008

Chatlog Post #1

Me: What are you going to grad school for? More book learnin'?
Cory: I'm going to be super-pretentious and get an MFA in Creative Writing
Me: Yeah, like that's an original idea.
Cory: I just need an excuse to wear more hats.
Me: If I were a professor and you came to me with that story, I'd fail you because I've heard that before.
Me: Now if you told me you'd come to get a degree in blowing lead glass, I'd be all, "Mmmmmm, tell me more."
Cory: Yes, but I'd do it IRONICALLY. That's all the rage.
Me: Do you think you can troll a creative writing course? I just picture deadpanning the reading of my story for a room of six other really fucking serious creative writers and finishing it with, "And with that, the Space Dracula, like Cincinnatus, laid down his anti-proton laser forever."
Cory: Sadly, that's not too far from one of the sample works I've seen.
Me: Damn. Here I was picturing a bunch of women who look like fatter Janeane Garafalos reading, "And when I looked down on my body, watching the rape, I could see everything. My acoustic guitar, my PJ Harvey poster, my boots. Everything except my father."
Me: Maybe you could troll them by writing reasonable stories about people who are relatively happy. It'll drive them insane.
Me: "After running four miles without pain, Jeff came home and made love to his wife in the shower. They shared coffee and praised each others' lovemaking. They both read novels all afternoon."
Me: "The novels were good and didn't involve outer space or elves. They were about adults who had problems. Jeff and his wife could not share in them, but they recognized problems for what they were: things they didn't have. They both reflected on this while thoughtfully chewing a pizza that was, like, incredibly fucking great."
Cory: Sorry, I was doing craigslist insanity.
Cory: That would be hilarious. An entire conflict-free, "life-is-good" story.
Me: "Jeff's penis was a generous ten inches, massive compared to most men, but not too large to ever cause his wife discomfort or even to feel anything other than explosive pleasure. He had never experienced back pain or a headache and assumed them to be polite fictions invented by women and men to escape each other."
Me: People would accuse you of being boring, I imagine.
Me: Out of jealousy.