Watching Paul Ryan (R-WI) be introduced to the United States as the next GOP Vice Presidential candidate, and watching large portions of the still-awake, grouchy barfly part of the United States reject him like a diseased organ was a blast. There, at midnight, were thousands of people having fun with the careening, inevitable horror. It was as if all these strangers were in on some prank, giggling as it unfolded. Paul Ryan? The nerd undertaker? Really? Ahahahaha.
If you want a better idea of what Paul Ryan stands for, feel free to scroll to the bottom of my Gawker veep-pick rundown. After that, Think Progress has a good summary, and Charles P. Pierce has another one of his excellent essays over at Esquire.
For now, I just want to be able to remember what a late night breaking story and Ryan's mendacious early morning awkward speech were like. Twitter's inane archive policy will disappear this record, and I'd rather that not happen.
I want to remember that, when Ryan addressed the nation for the first time as the vice presidential nominee, he claimed to be a teller of hard truths and a champion of hard work. Yet he has spent over a decade carrying water for those who spin trillions out of nothing — creating wealth by its servicing, transferring, securitizing and processing — who were bailed out for their failure and then blamed that failure on their victims. Paul Ryan cited his love for the constitution before explaining that the biggest problem America faces is its government.
Anyhow, here are some tweets:
BREAKING:— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
#Romney Narrows VP Picks to Five: Slanted and Enchanted, 69 Love Songs, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, The Crane Wife, and OK Computer.
Fun Fact: All three of Paul Ryan's children are named Bort.— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
Treat yourself by reading Paul Ryan's bio on FoxNews.com right now.— SarahNicolePrickett (@snpsnpsnp) August 11, 2012
"Ryan listens to Rage Against the Machine and Led Zeppelin." Free Chiapas! Death to corporations! Gun control! Everybody fuck! - Paul Ryan— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
Paul Ryan is not a budget guru. Monomania does not make you a guru—otherwise shopping-cart dwellers would be experts on warp drive & the CIA— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
Paul Ryan's widow's-peak hair is really a Magneto-inspired helmet, preventing enemies from bombarding his brain with functional mathematics.— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
Watching Twitter wake to the Ryan news is great. Like kids on Christmas finding Santa left a doll full of rusted needles that spits up AIDS.— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
ROMNEY/RYAN SPOKESPERSON: Mormonism and Objectivism state that if you wear a special garment, a woman is obligated to enjoy your raping her.— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
"Join me in welcoming the next President of the United States, Paul Ryan." Ahaha, okay!— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
Watching Romney & Ryan hang out, they look like dudes who learned how to high five from those dotted-line illustrations of how to tie a tie.— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
That's his REARDEN NODE. RT— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
@dj_mosfett: Paul Ryan's Little Wigglin' Hair Antennae.
You've just been announced as the GOP VP candidate and you're going in sans tie? Bruh, the fuck you think this is? Brunch at the marina?— Tomas Rios (@TheTomasRios) August 11, 2012
PAUL RYAN: (tielessly) "Popcorn shrimp, with club sauce. Chicken fingers… with spicy club sauce."— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
— GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) August 11, 2012
@mobute Paul Ryan affixes NES controller as belt buckle. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your first gamer president
The sacrifice of public service. MT— radleybalko (@radleybalko) August 11, 2012
@buzzfeedandrew When Paul Ryan was elected in 1998, his net worth was $413,520. It's now $3,207,000.
PAUL RYAN: "America is an idea… the only country founded on an idea." And, to "We the people," I say, "The primacy of the individual!"— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
"We won't blame others, we will take responsibility." Wall St. bankers leveraged assets 40:1 because farm-workers' mortgages made them do it— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
"I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP, CHIEF!" — Joe Biden eating fistfuls of bbq Fritos from a BIG GRAB bag tucked by his crotch, watching Paul Ryan on TV— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) August 11, 2012
Many thanks to Sarah Nicole "Internet Girl" Prickett, Tomas Rios, Frank N. Beanis and General Rehavam "Gandhi" Ze'evi for not complaining that I threw their tweets in here, for context.