Friday, April 15, 2011

I Will Turn You Into Francisco Stankonia

Note: Here to share his tips for picking up single objectivist ladies is occasional Destructo contributor and former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who previously explained our Ten Favorite Albums of the Decade, offered Birther Queen Orly Taitz asylum in his bedroom, described a black luxury car of divine provenance and who, of course, used to totally nail Ayn Rand. This article continues from Part I: How to Score While Seeing 'Atlas Shrugged'.

15 Tricks to Taggin' a Taggart Trampstamp

I can't believe I'm writing for these assholes again, but when my homeboy Phil Coates — whose last name on a lady's lips is a verb — dropped the ballin' for the first time in his career, I felt like I had no choice but to step in. The fact is, a movie event like this should provide a plush panoply of primo pussy for the (re)producer on the prowl, and it's only a matter of a few tips and tricks to make sure you take this cinematic cash-bash and leverage it into a gash-bash. I'm not from the government, and I'm here to help.

The trouble with the Ayn brand is that too many motherfuckers psych themselves out about it, thinking it's so high-end that they need do some crazy shit or else a fine lady is going to walk out on them. They get so uptight, they dynamite their own erection. Thing is, just remember, these girls value makin' a wad, and I'm not talking about the bills in your pocket. Any girl who asks for that is not a true objectivist mama. I'm telling you, whoever that girl is, she's got a looter-cooter on her. The only value is in earning; let a lady know that you're an earner, and you're gonna earn her — nasty.

Here are 15 tips to get you invested up in her portholio:

1. "Neg" her early. A quick backhanded compliment will trigger her self-consciousness, inspiring her to work harder on you in more ways than one.

2. Tactic #1 not working? Try "negging" her harder by raping her. This also establishes physical contact early — a/k/a "kino."

3. Punch yourself above the eye until you get a superficial cut, then hire some minorities to chase you to the front door of the theater showing the Atlas Shrugged premiere. Fall into the arms of whichever lady has the biggest tits. (Note: also kino.)

4. Accidentally drop a sheaf of papers at the entrance to the movie. Exclaim, "No! My prize-winning Fountainhead Essay Contest argument that Roark's demolishing the Cortlandt Homes was a moral imperative!"

5. Show a lady a street beatdown video and tell her that's you whaling on Leonard Peikoff.

6. Once you've got a woman's attention, casually pull out your pocket edition of John Galt's 72-page monologue. Show her the 9mm slug miraculously embedded in it during a firefight down at AFL-CIO headquarters.

7. Walk up in line holding a giant ball on your shoulders. (If you wear only latex briefs and body glitter, pick earth tones. No red! You will be mistaken for The Flash — although you can totally make this work.) Act like the ball is really heavy. When a girl is all like, "What are you doing?" shrug and then be like, "See what I did there? Huh huh?—yeah." Let the ball bounce into the street and cause a traffic accident. Who cares? They're only the laws of man.

8. "You look as good as gold, and if you don't mind my saying, I'm looking to get some Midas Muffagain."

9. "Money is a tool of exchange, which cannot exist unless goods are produced. So whaddaya say you produce some goods, and I'll show you my tool?"

10. Casually mention that you can "go Galt" on achieving orgasm for hours at a time.

11. Purr into a girl's ear that you're a speed-addicted chain-smoker formerly on welfare and currently jerking off to serial killers.

12. Wear a shirt with an arrow pointing to your crotch and reading "CHECK MY PREMISES."

13. Arrive at the premiere completely clean-shaven. Claim that Paul Krugman looted your beard.

14. At the ticket booth, loudly exclaim that you refuse to pay the tax on the ticket and when they turn you away, shout, "Then I shall build my own Biopic house and charge double your rate! And they will pay to sit in those seats of the finest Reardon steel!" Ride away in a train.

15. Try to dress like a quarry.

Alan Greenspan is a senior fellow in Your Wife.