Friday, April 15, 2011

How to Score While Seeing 'Atlas Shrugged'

Two years ago, I joined The Atlasphere, an Ayn Rand fan "singles" website. Since then, its regular email newsletter had provided me a weekly dose of unintended joy and even helped me to make a new friend. Today, both the site and I can teach you how to selfishly take what's rightfully yours: lovin'.

Atlas Shrugged: Part I opens in theaters today, a detail which, if you know anything about income tax, summarizes the film's production beautifully. In most years, April 15 is tax day, a release-date coincidence that would drive home the film's toddler-snit cry of government injustice with a bit of calendric irony. This year, tax day is April 18, while April 15 celebrates the emancipation of black people from their economic and biological "superiors," capping off a litany of ironies about the production of Atlas Shrugged that impeach it even on its own terms.

For a film about the truly elite making their own destiny and setting the world aright by turning their backs on lesser peoples, at their discretion, it has: a cast that can in no way be construed as elite; a roster of elite actors who turned it down; two screenwriters and a producer you've rightfully never heard of; a 30-year history of the TV/Hollywood marketplace saying, "You are not desirable and cannot successfully compete," and, as such, a production funded via handouts and charity from ideologues trying desperately to foist their message on others.

The only way this film could sabotage Rand's vision more is if groups tried to counter its decades-long rejection by the marketplace via artificially gaming the market — forming collectives to support the movie and using the movie to help form collectives. Oh, wait....

(If that "oh, wait" didn't come through witheringly enough, please click here.)

That last non-Jame Gumb link appeared in my inbox courtesy of The Atlasphere, and it's got some keen ideas on how to use the movie to band together under the aegis of Ayn Rand and subsume your identity to nationwide collective action. It also has suggestions for pulling mad trim. Because if a movie version of a yam-shaped old Russian woman's brick-sized verbal bean-flick over futuristic Gilded Age-style mass murder of liberals and poor people doesn't moisten a bunch of Galt's Gulches and prop some pants with Rearden metal, well—well, honestly, I can't even finish that thought because I just succumbed to a grand mal of scoffing.

Today isn't just another day when the nanny state robs you of the sweat of your brow. It's also an opportunity to meet singles with similar interests and the traits you desire. What should the future corpses of looters and your future girlfriend have in common? They both need to be stacked. But don't take it from me: click to the Atlasphere and see what Phil Coates has to say about meeting some objectisingles. In honor of the late, beloved Fire Joe Morgan, quotations from his column appear in bold, with extra recommendations in plain text:

This weekend the Atlas Shrugged movie is hitting theaters across the nation, presenting us with a rare opportunity that is very analogous to what the Tea Party crowd experienced. Having started many groups, I have suggestions about how to leverage the movie to meet like-minded people in your area.
Tea Party people are great! Their eyes just light up if you tell them you're a devoted follower of wealthy apartment-dwelling New York Jews.

First, advertise yourself and your values. Get a highly visible type of apparel, perhaps a cap, button, or a t-shirt. Bear in mind, people can’t see a button or t-shirt if others are in the way or if it’s covered up.
Consider plumage that signals to a potential mate, "I am shunting my dollars upward to the producer class." If you can't afford a new shirt at the moment because that last shipping container of Chinese iron (The Metal of the Future™) is still stuck at customs, why not razor a Bush/Cheney sticker off your car and place it over your mouth? The ambiguity makes a multitude of provocative statements — whether you're into kink, feel silenced by their administration, feel that it spoke for you, or just want to say, "I have no mouth, and it must scream: sexy!"

Whatever you choose should indicate at a single glance that you are an Ayn Rand fan, not just one of the multitude curious about a movie with an odd title. Few words. No long-winded quotes. Not obscure or too cutesy.
To assert your belief in the primacy of the individual, try to signal that you are one of a group of people. Also, avoid speeches over 70 pages long. Pick a few dozen paragraphs and make a stand.

Decide in advance whether you are primarily trying to meet someone for personal or romantic reasons, or if you are trying to start a club or discussion or social or activist group.
Remember that a person with real dedication to the investor/producer class will choose the former and eventually create the latter.

If it’s the former — and especially if he or she is wearing similar “advertising” — your job is relatively easy. Walk over with your best big smile: “Have I found another Rand admirer?” Then let nature take its course.
Rape her. Rape the shit out of her.

Unfortunately, here words fail both Phil Coates and me. His dating ideas run short, and I'm the shy retiring type. Please click here for Alan Greenspan's objectivist pick-up artist advice.

Wounded objectivists are invited to comfort themselves with "LolRands."


  1. Objectivist women are all about the primacy of the dude's dick, while objectivist men are like "hey man, vaginA is vaginA".

  2. I saw the trailer and when they talked about train crash, I wondered how they were going to make the audience root for man behind it. It's one thing agreeing with Rand's sociopathy after you've invested so much energy reading the damn thing, it's another thing watching the accident on the big screen and then finding out relatively immediately the "hero" committed terrorism.

  3. I've got it bad
    Got it bad
    Got it bad
    I'm hot for teacher

  4. I'm just going to leave this here, from a 1964 interview in Playboy with Ayn Rand:

    PLAYBOY: Why do you like [Mickey Spillane, Rand's favorite author]?
    RAND: Because he is primarily a moralist. In a primitive form, the form of a detective novel, he presents the conflict of good and evil, in terms of black and white. He does not present a nasty gray mixture of indistinguishable scoundrels on both sides. He presents an uncompromising conflict. As a writer, he is brilliantly expert at the aspect of literature which I consider most important: plot structure.

    said the woman whose "masterpiece" had the main conceit of a group of Captains of Industry punishing the decadent collectivist society crumbling around them by organizing a fucking STRIKE.

    this little snippet also explains why so much of her guff was unreadable, and why a movie adaption is bound to fail: because - as far as characterization goes - she refused to deal in anything other than absolutes. it's why the epithet of "pulp fiction" is thrown at her so often: because, like the nastiest beach kiosk detective fiction, rand's work only features satan and christ and nothing in between. her supreme rationality failed to reflect the ABSOLUTE 2+2=4 REALITY that humans are nuanced and complex creatures, and abstract representations of them - no matter how mediated by the constraints of the medium or form - would have to somehow reflect that.

    someone once said that rand's work has more in common with a mythos than an integrated philosophical system; and that makes a lot of sense when reading Atlas Shrugged. as a philosophical treatise, it only functions within the fantasy world that she has created, with the characters that she peopled it with; and as a fantasy novel, the form and function are so constrained by the aforementioned philosophical notions that it chokes the story. I honestly have no idea how you'd film it. it'd be like having the lord of the rings open with a three hour speech from gandalf about the Rules of Magic, then squeezing 20 minutes of Bag-end in at the end. it just boggles the mind.

    mobutu, you must - MUST - go a theatre and review this movie for the site. make a field report out of it or something. make with the funny so that my soul isn't completely crushed by the failings of humanity.

  5. I just wanted to point out that I found this little gem on Youtube:

    Worth watching all the way through (esp 1:45 to the end). Makes me laugh every time.

  6. I have no mouth and I must scream: "SEXY".
    Man. That's some funny shit.


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