Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fucked-Up Video Wednesday: Now on Thursday

MICHAEL SCHWARTZ, SEN. COBURN’S CHIEF OF STAFF: It’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre- adolescent boys, boys who are like 10 to 12 years of age...
If that doesn't make you want to watch this video, I don't know what will. Is it a day old? Yes. Is it awesome? Absolutely.

If you don't want to go through the whole thing, here's Schwartz's thesis: straight porn makes you gay, because it turns your sexual desires inward, making you focus on yourself?—which means a person like you?—which means, like, a man or something? (Assuming you're a dude already?)

I don't know how to square this with, well, anything. For instance, I don't know of many straight guys who enjoy the balls-taint-ass shot of a man in full thrust. Not like I've taken a straw poll or anything, but I'm pretty sure it's universally annoying. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of men spend most of their time watching pornography wishing that was their dick employed halfway up the fundament of a well-groomed Czech girl who's yet to encounter gravity or a regular hot meal in these fair states. The other dude isn't the object of fascination: he's the inconvenient but necessary avatar for your manhood. But why ask me? I've only been looking at Playboy since I was eight and, despite not being able to accomplish anything with them at that age, otherwise thinking they were rad as hell.

Naturally, the one thing I reeeaaaally can't square this revelation with is this detail:
According to a nationwide study of anonymous online credit card transactions, Americans living in traditionally religious, conservative states consume more online porn than their godless liberal blue state fellow citizens, with Utah leading the way.

Benjamin Edelman, an assistant professor at the Harvard Business School, analyzed anonymous credit card transactions to attempt to find a link between the rise in online porn consumption and division of "red" and "blue" states from a sociological standpoint.

Ewan Callaway of New Scientist analyses Edelman's findings, noting that after Edelman factored in population density and broadband usage, Utah was actually the state with the most online porn subscriptions per 1000 broadband users. Conservative states made up the bulk of the top ten, in terms of porn subscriptions. As Callaway notes, "Eight of the top 10 pornography consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in last year's presidential election – Florida and Hawaii were the exceptions. While six out of the lowest 10 favoured Barack Obama."
Does this gainsay Schwartz's claims? After all, the raging queer armies in San Francisco and New York City should be thousands stronger than the teeming "Moreman" problem, yet they aren't. Perhaps this study didn't control for the right things. Blue states are, after all, just savvier at the internet. Maybe all this tells us is that red-staters are too naive too get all their Czech assporn via torrents.

Regardless, onward!

Ahhhh, Glenndolyn "Glenn Beck" Beckworth: nemesis, avenger, teacher, mother, secret lover. Where would I be without your buttery voice and buttery face and sweetly lubricated populist snake oil? Would I be outraged or sad? Would I be adrift, looking for the next Palin nugget of schadenfreude, looking to my sweet mama of mockability? Or would I be EXTREME???

DJ 3000: Hey, hey. How about that weather out there? Woah! That was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog! We have a weiner.
BECK: Man, that thing's great!
MARTY: Don't. Praise. The machine.
BOSS: If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the DJ 3000 gets your job.
DJ 3000: Those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.
BECK: (laughs) How does it keep up with the news like that?

Here's another day-old offering, but it hits all the right points and is worth the reprint:

Look, I have no problem with what they have to say. These are exactly my sentiments about the healthcare debate, put forward with the same satirical frame of mind I have about it. But I have to ask: Olivia Wilde? Really? When did someone decide she was funny? She was hot as the Baroness from G.I. Joe in an earlier one of these videos, but the woman is a wet sponge on House. She's on one of the coolest shows on TV as the person people want to get off the goddamn screen to make way for the better actors and characters, and she's related to Alexander Cockburn of The Nation in one of those cosmic even-people-connected-to-you-in-real-life-are-100ox-cooler coincidences. On one hand, I want to think that maybe I'm misjudging her and conflating a one-dimensional character on a good show with a person whose talents don't reflect the role she's obliged to play. On the other hand, now that she's fallen in with the Will Ferrell group on Funny or Die, she's going to appear in the next 36 Judd Apatow-written, -directed, -produced, -punched-up or -related movies until that group squanders it's last shred of goodwill on the ever-declining level of funny they put out. Deny me care. Deny me now.

Of course, it wouldn't be Fucked-Up Video Thursday Edition without something profoundly fucked up.

There are no words.

I give you: The Black Stallion (even more unsettling in hi-def):

Apparently Youtube are staffed by gutless turds who take down perfectly awesome Johnny Boob videos and also can't seem to deal with a ridiculously buff black dude with a horse mask cantering around a backyard in the most disturbing way possible. Fuck Youtube.