Thursday, June 18, 2009

What's that smell? I think it's GOATSE and HOOBASTANK

You'd have to have absolutely zero presence on Web2.0 these days — or, as I like to call it, "living in your luddite hole" — to not know what's been going on in Iran. Simply put, either leading mullahs or president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stuffed ballot boxes and manipulated the vote, resulting in his reelection, sweeping electoral fraudulence, and millions of Iranian citizens taking to the streets to champion reformist candidate Mir Hussein Moussavi.

The response from government forces has been swift and brutal. People are being beaten on the streets by the moral police, the secret police and the regular police. They're being beaten by people who aren't even police. Meanwhile, others are being kidnapped, driven out of buildings and harassed into silence. The only way we know this, the only way we know anything important anymore these days, is because of Twitter.

You see, thousands of Iranian protesters, activists and regular citizens have, instead of takin' it to the streets, been takin' it to the Tweeps, tweeting away the latest injustices, uploading video and photos and GETTING THE WORD OUT.

Unfortunately, they've been getting their word out on the INTERNET, perennial home of the miscreant, the basement-dweller, the person who stores his semen in a 16-oz. bottle of Gamer Fuel because he can't be bothered to stop raiding WoW even long enough to jerk off into a toilet. These misfits — the misbegotten, misinformed and misanthropic — have been fighting the cause of democracy with degeneracy. For, you see, just as suffering Iranians have been trying to tweet critical messages that could mean life or death, light or a dearth of it in the rest of the world as to the crisis in Iran, these knaves of the keyboard have been tweeting back GOATSE.

Flooding the #iranelections and #tehran tweet threads with disguised link after disguised link, these people seek to disrupt the cause of liberty with libertinism. Because now people are afraid to click links. Dreading the "Goatass" as they call it, innocent people committed to aiding Farsi freedom fighters are shying away from information that could prove critical in hours or only minutes. Under the yearning nethermaw of The Goatman, his afteye black as Sauron's, the good ship of citizen journalism founders on the rocks of distrust and disinformation. Because, if these people will disguise their links thus, what else might they disguise? Might it be falsehood? Falsehood that can get someone killed?

Who I believe is responsible may surprise you, because one of the worst purveyors of these malicious links has been Twitter user "Hoobastank Band," in what appears to be a sickening publicity stunt for an upcoming show.

Why would Hoobastank do this? Well, Wikipedia tells me that this band calls itself post-grunge, but it may be fair to call them post-relevant, since no one of any discernment I've ever met — which is to say, the people I would voluntarily associate with — has ever assaulted my cochleae with their offending din. Also, consider just their name alone. Hoobastank, as you'd doubtless concur, is an urban term. Yet look at how little visual evidence there is that they have any African-American roots. Worse, the trivialities they offer as "music" denote how little introspection they must possess as people, indicating that they've never made the effort to identify with the Black Experience in America as I and many of my colleagues have.

Maychance this "trolling" of a humanitarian nightmare is Hoobastank's feeble and flaccid stab at urban cred[ibility], their attempt at the derogatory African-American call-and-response tradition of "The Dozens" — e.g., "Yo' democracy so weak, it got less integrity than the Goatman's O-ring."

I think that if anything here is weak, it is the non-gentlemen of Hoobastank, who are spreading their "stank" all over an essential tool of political upheaval, sabotaging the fundamental web-interconnectivity of millions of freedom fighters in their hour of maximum danger, as they near their hour of maximum triumph.

48 comments:

  1. This just makes me angry, and sad. Hoobastank were so talented; their music made people happy.

    Why would they feel like they have to stoop to such a low level just for publicity? They could really hurt people doing this.

    I'm praying Iranians are ok, and that Chris Hesse sees what he has become. God bless.

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  2. WTF are these clowns thinking?????? HoobaFAIL!

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  3. Ugh, what a pathetic attempt to grab attention that they have never, and will never, deserve.

    Cunts.

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  4. Have you confirmed it is the band and not someone using their name?

    That Hoobastank account hasn't been on there that long, and doesn't have a lot of followers or a link to any site.

    I don't think it's them.

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  5. Ex-Hoobastank FanJune 18, 2009 at 3:13 PM

    This is discusting, i will never forgive the band for such a sickenig publicity stunt. they used to be my favourite band but now i will never buy any of their music again. HOOBASTANK SUCKS!

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  6. How do these jokers get away with this sort of rubbish?

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  7. it's them, they've linked to other publicity releases before; it could just be their agents or licensing company tho

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  8. Anon, if you're right someone in publicity needs to get their ass sacked pronto.

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  9. Pretty sure it is the real Hoobastank. It has their tour dates and has been used for publicity info on the band. I dunno maybe it's some kids got ahold of the account???? :( :(

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  10. Simply spread the word and boycott these stupid and worthless irresponsible idiots! Quick them where their heart seem to be: their wallet!!

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  11. i think one of them (probably the drummer if i know bands) thinks this kind of shit is funny for some reason. its that 'anarchy, anything goes' attitude thats popular with rap bands and whatnot today and this whole anti-establishment outlook on life is just destructive and ridiculous

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  12. Hoobastank or not I can't wait for July 4th!! I know i'll be wearing green so I can see my favorite band for free. Awesome!

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  13. unbelievable. used to be a huge fan in high school, and was even thinking about going to see them live. Not anymore.

    Pathetic.

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  14. these people sicken me and I think we should all boycott there music

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  15. Suggest no one with some sort of a conscience attend their concerts nor buy their music. Clean, clear and simple. We don't want these sort of people around. It is no fun! People are fighting and dying in Iran for democracy and these clowns are using it as a marketing tool ! Absolute disgust. Shame on them!

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  16. this is sick! BOYCOTT HOOBASTANK!

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  17. People in Tehran are dying for their freedom and you show them Goatass? You monsters.

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  18. Someone should stick a goat up their ass....an Iranian goat...

    Bastards

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  19. F*** this! JOkes are one thing but this is too much. I haven't heard these losers in years, and now I will never again.

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  20. This is sick, simply sick. Hoobastank must pay!

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  21. dman hooba you stanking now for sure

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  22. This is worse than the Holocaust and an ice cream headache COMBINED!

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  23. i dont know why they are ashamed. it is a hilarious prank and they need to just own up to it and be men about it.

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  24. thats fucking disgusting they can go to fucking piss hell and die

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  25. Is there any way you can get that picture on the photo page of all the Twitter employees?

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  26. I declare righteous Jihad aganst these Hoobs and Stanks. Eternal paradice awaits the True Beleiver that who meets out His justice on the infidels.

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  27. you people are cracking me up.
    all this fuss over a butthole.

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  28. And the reason is... GOATSE

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  29. Man, I used to think the Hoob' were awesome :(

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  30. So, people, let me ask one little question here: who's profiting from this "controversy" regarding Hoobastank?

    Well, MrDestructo sure has gotten a lot of notice on the blog here. Interesting.

    Hoobastank might get some (extremely negative) publicity out of this. Hmmm.

    MrDestructo is censoring blog comments that refute and prove that Hoobastank isn't doing this. Well, well.

    So make a guess, people. I proffer that the REAL @hoobastank_band is MrDestructo himself.

    Think about it. The only evidence that @hoobastank_band is the real band is an obviously photoshopped picture of the band's bassist holding up a sign that originally pointed to their ACTUAL Twitter accounts. The ones with more than 147 followers...

    So, MrDestructo, who is it? Are you behind the whole thing?

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  31. So, Aaron, let me ask one little question here: did you just, like, IGNORE the Twitterfeed in the left hand column?

    The one right below the RSS junk? Interesting.

    Labeled "Twitterpated"? Hmmm.

    And links to a completely different Twitter user? Well, well.

    Maybe a LITTLE investigation before you start throwing around accusations, whattaya think? Moron.

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  32. LOL WHY EVERYONE SO MAD?

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  33. You all got troll'd hard. Damn.

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  34. wow. Im canceling my tickets and getting a refund for their next concert. unaaceptable.

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  35. GOATSE!! You're all a bunch of fucking morons if you think Hoobastank pulled something like this off. Fuck Iran and fuck Hoobastank. Smoke a Hooba-doob and get over it.

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  36. You caught their attention dude. And they seem kinda pissed.

    http://www.hoobastank.com/forum/default.aspx?cid=46&tid=2215

    For your next viral campaign maybe do one about Rush Limbaugh being outed as a faggot.

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  37. Hooba-this and Hooba-that. Hooba-fuckin-cumshot for all I fuckin care. Like I'm gonna listen anyway to some band of queers led by a guy with two first names. Doug Robb? More like Knob Cobb.

    The fuckers even tried to douche up the 2012 London Olympics a couple of years ago:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:BBC_Goatse.cx_Alternative_Olympic_logo.png

    Pricks. You never saw Pearl Jam or any of the other flannel addicts behaving this way. For shame!

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  38. Hooba-this and Hooba-that. Hooba-fuckin-cumshot for all I fuckin care. Like I'm gonna listen anyway to some band of queers led by a guy with two first names. Doug Robb? More like Knob Cobb.

    The fuckers even tried to douche up the 2012 London Olympics a couple of years ago:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:BBC_Goatse.cx_Alternative_Olympic_logo.png

    Pricks. You never saw Pearl Jam or any of the other flannel addicts behaving this way. For shame!

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  39. I'd like if someone at a Hoobastank concert held up a big poster of The Goatman right in the middle of one of their numbers. I bet they fags in the band would like TOTALLY go plotz in their pants and then start screaming for security to go beat the dude up. Fukkin grunger fagots, can't do their own fukkin fighting themselves.

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  40. hahahaha, this shit is hilarious.

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  41. That's hilarious and you're all a bunch of gay-ass babies

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  42. rofflecakes

    Goatse is a symbol and a product of freedom and democracy. If you want your democracy, then you gotta be willing to stare into the abyss of a man's stretched anus -- and anything else another free person wishes to put on display. Freedom OF expression trumps freedom FROM expression.

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  43. LOOK AT THIS LIL FAGGOT ^^^^^^^^^^^ STEALING MY LINE ABOUT STARING INTO THE ABYSS OF A MAN'S ANUS

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  44. Has anyone checked to see if Snopes has debunked this one yet. Because I think we should really get Snopes investigating this stuff. Them and the FBI too.

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  45. Get over it losers. Your pathetic armchair revolution has been owned by GOATSE

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Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.