Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Chuck Norris Is Apparently Dangerously Insane

It's the internet's fault that Chuck Norris ever again approached relevancy to anyone. In 2005, SomethingAwful spawned the phenomenon of making up fake facts about Norris' supposed rugged inability to be stopped, riffing off the old Saturday Night Live "Bill Brasky" sketch where a bunch of salesman tell taller and taller tales about a preternaturally strong/sexy/alcoholic colleague. Unfortunately, like a lot of stupid shit at SomethingAwful, while members there abandoned the joke as repetitive and stupid, the rest of the internet cleaved to it and ran it into the ground for a full year. Then it died.

But, in 2007, in accordance with their policy of boldly solving tomorrow's solutions with yesterday's detritus, the republican party rescued Norris from imprisonment in his Total Gym full-body workout system and propped him up on FOX News, where his complete absence of political education and naked contempt for non-Christians and gays made him blend right in — while his actually having fought somebody at sometime in the past forty years gave him orders of magnitude more combat experience than their brigade of loudmouthed chickenhawks. From there, it was a short step to the Huckabee campaign, where somehow a guy who played bass on the campaign trail and heard one of his kids brag, "There's not a Huckabee alive who can eat at Taco Bell for seven dollars," had the remainder of his dignity stolen from him by a pop-cultural punchline.

At least Chuck is making his own headlines instead of sabotaging others, because apparently now he wants to be "President of Texas" and be part of an armed insurrection, led by thousands of right-wing cell groups, against the United States:
The call by some right wing leaders for rebellion and for the military to refuse the commander in chief’s orders is joined by Chuck Norris who claims that thousands of right wing cell groups have organized and are ready for a second American Revolution. During an appearance on the Glen Beck radio show he promised that if things get any worse from his point of view he may “run for president of Texas.” The martial artist/actor/activist claims that Texas was never formally a part of the United States in the first place and that if rebellion is to come through secession Texas would lead the way.

Today in his syndicated column on WorldNetDaily Norris reiterates the point: “That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.”

He continues; calling on a second American Revolution; “…we've bastardized the First Amendment, reinterpreted America's religious history and secularized our society until we ooze skepticism and circumvent religion on every level of public and private life.

How much more will Americans take? When will enough be enough? And, when that time comes, will our leaders finally listen or will history need to record a second American Revolution? We the people have the authority according to America's Declaration of Independence, which states: That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government…”

Norris claims that; “Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation.” The right wing cells will meet during a live telecast, "We Surround Them," on Friday March 13 at 5 p.m.

He closes with the words of Sam Houston followed by a plug for his next martial arts event.

“We view ourselves on the eve of battle."
The actual page for "We Surround Them" seems distinctly more innocuous than this, as it seems to suggest that right-wingers send in their pictures and home addresses so that FOX News can light up a map and try to scare the shit out of America with a lot of (probably) red dots. Still, they have this decidedly unfriendly looking countdown clock on the site.


Given that Glenn Beck is the same moron who realized that he could corner the conservative TV pundit market by:
• looking people in the eye;
• pointing out that "no one looks you in the eye anymore," except me;
having a quarter screen of his inaugural show devoted to a tight close-up of his eyes (starting at 0:50 here);
• despite having that close-up at an angled view so it looked like he was looking ten feet to the right of whomever was at home in front of the TV;
it's fairly likely that this is just a publicity stunt. No matter how stupid Beck and Norris are, even they must surely realize that America waking up to the implicit threat of "WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED" will neither be sympathetic nor persuasive.

In all likelihood, the brain trust of one guy who thought he could invalidate the concept of anthropogenic climate change by letting his SUV idle for hours of his radio show and the other guy who expected people to find Braddock: Missing in Action III anything other than an unintentionally hilarious and pathetic turd probably thinks that this is going to get them plaudits for somehow lighting up the "American Heartland" like strands of menacing Christmas lights. It's probably too much to hope that, somewhere before Zero Hour, either of them discovers the irony of spending seven straight years insisting to any non-conservative that we must all support the president in a time of war, then giving the new president all of six weeks in office before demanding the military declare war against him.

I hold out hope that, instead of being either serious or a tastelessly made political point, it's merely a conservative prank — not an unreasonable assumption, since conservatives' "being funny" is generally indistinguishable from someone on the street threatening you for no reason or pointing at a minority and laughing. Of course, the best thing that could come from this is both Beck and Norris being clubbed into unconsciousness with the truncheons of tens of thousands of ACORN members newly clad in the blue New World Order uniform of the United Nations.

Socialism—ho!

3 comments:

  1. Fun Chuck Norris Apocalypse Facts

    Chuck Norris does not get the blood of innocents on him during an insurrection. The blood of innocents gets Chuck Norris.

    The only thing bigger than Chuck Norris' insurrection is Chuck Norris in erection.

    Chuck Norris will go back in time and make all the "Walker, Texas Ranger" villains into blacks that came over from Louisiana after Katrina. The Texas Broadcasting Service will renew it for 15 years.

    Chuck Norris will get Texas to secede by delivering a roundhouse kick to the Oklahoma pandhandle. Zombie Timothy McVeigh will then high five Chuck Norris and ask him to put his powerful foot in a moving truck to blow up other government buildings.

    During Chuck Norris' campaign for President of Texas he will challenge his opponents to a debate. They will all fail to participate because the debate will consist of plunging your fist deep into the earth and extracting oil with one blow. Before doing this Chuck Norris will kiss his fist and tell it to "Drill, Baby, Drill" and the earth will shake in fear.

    Chuck Norris' saliva will be the only legalized drug in Texas. It is a mix between heroin and Teddy Grahams. Millions will die smuggling it across the border into Mexico.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chuck Norris is a tough guy that can beat people up.

    Chuck Norris' beard is on his face.

    Chuck Norris once got pulled over for speeding and showed the officer his license AND registration.

    Chuck Norris has an above average sized penis.

    Chuck Norris is so popular, people keep talking about him on the internet.

    Chuck Norris just turned 69. "69" is also a sexual position.

    Chuck Norris is not only THE man, he's also A man.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Chuck Norris got the crud kicked out of him by Bruce Lee. End of story.

    ReplyDelete

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.