Friday, May 14, 2010

Thank God They Canceled 'Law & Order'

The flagship show is gone, unmooring the conceptual blimp of DICK WOLF productions and letting it float airily wherever it might like to go. The one consistent creative drawback to the original series was that it was fine-tuned and became an institution well before 1995, before people discovered that you could make police procedurals go a lot farther and get more attention by cramming them with technologically impossible stupid shit and episode arcs where New York detectives go undercover in Oregon for the FBI because their sex crime expertise helps them find eco-bombs.

Personally, I'm glad they got rid of the only remaining show in the franchise with any dignity to make extra room for the tic-laden Holmes knockoff (now starring the tic-laden Holmes knockoff knockoff) and the "socially conscious curio lazily ripped from the New York Times feature section" kidfucking show with acting and writing straight out of daytime drama. I haven't seen anything about Law & Order: LA yet, but I assume the doink-doink and title card will involve a quick cut scene of either the cops or the DAs rapidly putting on sunglasses, their faces and torsos glittering in the side windows and buffed panels of a black BMW that someone parked on top of the Hollywood sign, while the opening theme repeats a series of ball-convulsingly awesome arpeggios played by Slash atop a desert mesa, surrounded by a windstorm, as he holds the guitar straight up from his crotch, like, "Check it out, motherfuckers, this here is my Mic Post." Also, everybody will fuck each other all the time, and because it's LA there'll be lots of A-list cameos — Jeff Speakman, Sandy Duncan, Adam Rich, Tiffany Brissette.

Ratings alchemist, clothing wearer and Law & Order-spawning eyebrow golem DICK WOLF is one of the most terminally totally creative people in television, surrounded by private universe of clandestinely sapphic and permanently wet-eyed women named Alexandra and Serena, titles that need two words and ampersands, and thoughtful older people who always remind you to wipe your feet and remember to make a clean collar. I hope he completes his reductive, obvious and, frankly, transcendent producer's journey by making the new show Law & Order: CSI, some glittering "what the fuck is that" TV spangle that can people can use to spend an hour a week pawing at the television with raccoon-like deep focus. If I were in charge, I'd settle for nothing less than a new broadcast format where each episode is screened at David Caruso and filmed being reflected on his glasses.

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