Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Inside the Candidate's Studio: An Exit Interview with Mitt Romney

In 1960, Richard Nixon famously endured a TV debate, despite being ill, pale and underweight. He sweated through rub-on makeup designed to hide his stubble, and he looked like Death come to sell the same. By 1969, Roger Ailes (who would later found Fox News) had managed Nixon the candidate through a series of fake town halls, and Joe McGinniss had written The Selling of the President. Success, and the Nixon era began. Today, that era reached its zenith.

Mr. Destructo gratefully presents the exit interview with Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney. Since our conversation with the former candidate ranged over many topics and many hours, we have distilled his responses in the style of the questionnaire made famous by Bernard Pivot on Inside the Actors Studio.

1. What is your favorite word?
Oh, gosh, I've always fashioned myself a bit of a logophile, so this is kind of an operose question, if you don't mind my saying. Don't hold me down and cut my hair! When you're in business, you learn a lot of words—and words are useful, they're just great. In business, you can use words to create jobs, you can use words to open new plants and businesses, small businesses, here in America. We're—we're a nation of great people who use words. For the past four years, we've only had so many words we could, and that's great, that's great, that America can continue to use language to express ideas, and I'm just humbled by words. And that's what I love so much about this country. I want it to have more words in the future. But, if I had to choose a word—Mitt. Mitt is me, but a mitt also catches the ball. I'm on the ball for America, and I just think its a shame Barack Obama isn't but also thinks that we should be promoting soccer at the expense of the ball—of sport—even though soccer, they call it football in Muslim countries, is the most popular of sport.

2. What is your least favorite word?
I understand "metonymy." Don't misunderstand me. I know that that is, even if it makes people in colleges mad that someone who just wants to do the best for America knows their words. I picked that stuff up at Harvard, where Obama lived for many years, because people would not rent apartments to him in good neighborhoods. And I don't like it. I don't like that whole "academic" idea that we have to pick one word over another and say it's better. All those words are American words, and if they were good enough for my grandfather who came to this country from Mexico because they didn't like words and actually banned some of them, like polygamy, then I don't think it's my place to choose words. I think it's Americans' place to choose words. But, ahahaha, if you're going to put me on the spot, I would say my favorite is "Mitt" ahahaha. Now, that may not be popular, but for the past four years, the least favorite words for millions of hard-working Americans have been "Not enough jobs" and "creeping socialism." And those three words—four, excuse me, although I should say five—those six words I share being least favorite in relation to, I think, millions, which should say it all. But, since you asked, I have never liked the word pudendum.

3. What turns you on?
Business, growth, that sort of thing. I think it's a shame that you can't say you love success in America anymore. When you see bottom-line expansion, you should be encouraged. If you mean sexually, of course I'm a red-blooded ball-torture man.

4. What turns you off?
Let me be honest. I am turned off by the disappointment on the faces of laid-off factory workers who have been unable to get ahead in Obama's struggling America. Unless I'm making the very difficult choice of layoffs, in which case we should revisit the previous question. Also, ass play.

5. What sound or noise do you love?
I'm just amazed by how much I love the sounds of the American people, when they're working, when they're succeeding. It's the sound of moving upwards through a history we forge for ourselves in shared commitment to the principles. Like, maybe a lower-range brass instrument, like a bassoon with such fantastic dignity, like a noble bassoon. Like my grandfather's homemade recordings of negro field songs, from Mexico. He was an immigrant, you know, so I like to think of myself as a Mexican-American.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Gosh, I have to say, I really just have to say we have such an amazing opportunity right now, in this country, to just hate sounds. Because there are so many sounds out there, so many sounds created by the American people, and just, and just focused around the American people. And we can hate any of them we want, because that's the sound and the freedom we respect and enjoy for ourselves and our children, and that's why it's so important to change the disastrous course of the last four years to get more sound and hatred. I've never cared for East coast rap, though. Not enough melody. And the flow! It's like those guys can't even pronounce English. I like Eminem, who I think you know is from Detroit. That's a city that would be doing a lot better without the government control Obama has strangled it with.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
If you look on my website, you'll find I've prepared a great list, a sort of omnibus list of curse words, and I rank them. I rank them in terms of what word would be best and what word would be worst. I have never backed down from that commitment, to word ranking. I have ranked hundreds of words over the years—in business, as the governor of a state. My word rankings are simple, they are clear—they are, they are full and complete of the kind of thoroughness you need to succeed in business. And you will find my whole archive of cataloged word rankings there on the website, in the spirit of full disclosure. My campaign team, which is quite young, you know, they say all sorts of things, though, and I am not a fan of "TWATTAGE," but, you know, you have to encourage entrepreneurialism, and I recognize that something like that is an avenue to energy independence.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Well, right now I'm unemployed! But, but seriously, you mean other than being independently wealthy? I might say "Female Body Inspector." (Romney puts the heel of his hand on the interviewer's forehead to silence the already impassive and mute partner. Romney holds his hand there for several long moments, then removes it. The interviewer then asks the following question as though nothing happened.)

9. What profession would you not like to do?
A Mexican or a... what are those birds who can't fly? The big ones. Emu. I don't know, why don't you tell me? (The screen goes staticky for a moment, then clears. On clearing, the two men have switched positions, haircuts, eyeglasses and clothes. Romney laughs. The interviewer screams) Now, you are Mitt Romney, and the profession you would like the least to do, is be me. And that's what's so wonderful, so inspiring about America, Mr. Romney, that—I met an electrician, out of work, but struggling, trying to raise his kids, trying to make it in the land of opportunity we all enjoy and love--and I became him. As I have become you. I am your pain.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive
at the pearly gates?

"Welcome to your planet, Mitt. It's called 'Earth.'"

Many thanks to David "Arr and 'I Exiled Pitbull'" Thorpe of the Phoenix, Mark "Radio Fragments" Brendle, and Mr. Awesome, who are all entirely to blame.


  1. Flatten my taxes, flatten my balls.

  2. LOL at "percentage of non-idiot people who voted for him."


Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.