Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Pimping in Brief: Sexting Bronies Want Sandwich Grants

Some smart people are starting a smart sports website. They've expressed interest in giving me money to write for their site. Please give them money to launch, which will eventually give me money for articles. This will be the first time in history that trickle-down economics works. Why? In this case, the money will be taken from the bottom, to give to the top, to trickle back down to the bottom, taken from poor people and given to poor people who employ other poor people. This is the only way the system functions, by guaranteeing from the start that everybody involved just wants to be entertained and is equally fucked.
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Are you ever stumped for sexting ideas? You should follow Tricia Lockwood on Twitter for suggestions like this: "Sext: I'm a criminal with really soft fur. You're Detective Lennie Briscoe and you pet me so hard my neck breaks." Also, click over to her blog for pieces like:
Obscene Freeze-Frames from Fraggle Rock: The Animated Series
A Toilet Is a Rose Growing Out of the Sea
Public Art Continues to Be Terrible, Amazing
The Animorphs Are Back and Feeling Weird Between the Legs
She also writes poetry good enough that someone is paying her for the rights to put it into a book. Yeah, nice idea, Rip Van Winkle. I bet you notified her of this development with the fastest telegraph and horse courier available in the Deseret Territory.
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Speaking of poetry, check this out:


I wish I could tell you how to follow him, but he's a poster from the Something Awful sports forum. If you like lots of baseball nerds carping about xFIP and liveblogging their grief over, say, Kenny Williams, Ozzie Guillen and the death of Adam Dunn, you should check out this Twitter group.
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Have you been reading the site, Fuck Yeah! Nancy Grace Monster Jams? No? Why? What the fuck is wrong with you? Just read the "About" section:
Fuck Yeah! Nancy Grace Monster Jams is a joint project to celebrate Nancy Grace’s career in victim’s advocacy and her private hobby of posterizing haters with sick monster jams.
It has pictures like this. And this. Who are you to resist?
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By now, you might have heard of "bronies," terminally stunted adult men who've allowed the unsettling proto-pedophilia of adult anime nerds to creep over the line into bestiality by fetishizing the reboot series, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Adult male fans offer a lot of tortured rationalizations for how "grown-up" and "incisive" the writing is, and how it can appeal across generations, but it's just as appalling as watching any college graduate explain why G.I. Joe or Transformers is still worth paying attention to after becoming old enough to drive a car. Only, in this case, they're enthusing about a show crafted for girls under 10 and debating the beauty and personality of small anime horses. Put America in a boat, push it out to sea, aim it at Japan and set it ablaze.

Anyhow, "bronies" were recently maligned on FOX News, resulting in this outraged video:


And that video provoked this comment from Mr. Destructo reader Erik H.:
Haha, laugh it up, funny blog man. Let's face facts here, this is exactly the same condemnation the jews faced during the early stages of the holocaust, the blacks faced in the 200 years of these United States' history, and any gay or anime enthusiast right now. The fact here is, bronies are quickly becoming a powerful voice in this country, nay, the world (no pun intended), and we are being systematically discriminated against just for a television show that we find to be entertaining, informative, and visually stimulating. Pure bigotry, plain and simple. Fox News DARES to categorize all bronies as shiftless, overweight, balding, middle-aged, mildly autistic, nerdy virgins with no self-awareness whatsoever? Pretty funny considering that of all my brony friends, 3 of us have PT jobs & one of us even has a wife (whom, I may add, is a MLP fan herself & is even planning on naming their kid Braeburn once the adoption papers go through). Kind of pukes all over that whole theory does it not, Faux News? Go ahead and hate, but were you assholes to take the time and actually WATCH the show and COLLECT the happy meal toys and GO TO FAN MEETS instead of sitting in your comfy, plastic, little worlds, then maybe you would all learn a thing or two about a little word I like to call "tolerance." I am disgusted and ashamed and I have been sitting here in absolute darkness yelling at my computer and slapping my face and its starting to really freak out my dogs (they're malamutes, fyi, the most beautiful of dogs.). The persons in this video are totally correct and we bronies shall not stand for this, nor shall we sit for this, either. We will lividly hover around our rooms, knocking over our figurines, then congeal into a grand brony katamari & terrorize a good portion of these western United States until the president is forced to erect a giant statue of Rainbow Dash right next to the Lincoln Memorial as my dreams of the past two weeks have told me will happen. You've all made powerful enemies this day.
That may seem hysterically over the top and too implausible to be funny, but consider this: when a website as permissible and gleefully vulgar as Something Awful decided to prohibit pony discussion and ban "anypony" who brought it up again — saliently noting that many of the fan-art pages they were linking included graphic pony fucking — the fans of the show started their own forum and made participation invite-only. See, when the world doesn't understand your passions, first you organize into cells and make all communication with outsiders dependent on person-to-person contacts held by group members who can vet their shared interests. Then you wind up on an episode of Law & Order: SVU.
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Journalist Bryan Joiner continues the deconstruction of Bill Simmons' Grantland. Unlike Deadspin's focus on pure corrections — which could probably fuel a bi-weekly column alone — or my remorseless character assassination, Joiner takes aim at the mismanagement of content and writers, how a lack of editorial oversight has made a hash of something that started out with a lot of potential. To a certain extent, I think this dovetails with my earlier comment that, "Looking at Grantland, one instantly wonders what its point is, and the site clearly doesn't have an answer." Joiner and I differ on the subject of Jonah Keri, who I think is a decent dude who accidentally brainstormed his way into a flawed book.
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If you like sandwiches — the greatest, most versatile, most simple, most complex, most diverse and delightful kind of food ever created — then you need to read On Sandwiches. And if you don't like sandwiches, you have twice as powerful a reason to start reading the site, because something about you is horribly broken. Consider their mission statement:
As an entire category of food confined largely to a single meal, sandwiches get neither the respect nor the study they deserve. Not too long ago I thought about this and decided that something should be done. There should be a place where someone can look between two pieces of bread, examine what is there and ponder what ought to be. A place where each ingredient is considered on its own and in its relation to the larger piece. A place where someone can speak on sandwiches.
You can also follow the site's Editor-in-chief on Twitter.
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Last but not least, here's a picture of Hitler.


Click to embiggen.

4 comments:

  1. The ad on the left right now is an apparent ad for a My Little Pony game. They're on to you man. Run while you still can.

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  2. Ahaha, every time I write anything about Bachmann, Palin or some other whacked-out conservative, the ads all turn to links for yet another horrible right-wing news aggregator. My banned website list on adsense is just nothing but conservative websites.

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  3. Dude, thank you for directing me to the blog of the person responsible for the Animorphs piece, but I don't know what to do. I was just smiling a second ago, I think I was laughing. My head hurts. I don't think I'm equipped to satifactorily laugh that out which was just put into me, into my head. It hurts. I think I'm going to go out and hit someone in their head.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think you will love http://scanwiches.com/

    ReplyDelete

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.