Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's My Birthday Again!

Wow, uh, eighty years. It's been a while. There are so many people I'd like to thank, but they're all dead. God and the afterlife are mortals' compensatory constructs, so any gratitude expressed now is meaningless. There is no one to gainsay that I have done it all myself. Not even the creeps at CIA — someone already settled their hash.

This time last year, I was talking up a potential Gawker-ish site redesign, but of course that came to nothing, for two reasons. One, Blogger sucks. Two, programmers are useless. That's a bold job decision and no mean feat in this economy, when you can load up a light-pickup with them at the Office Depot. The trouble is, they're all libertarian wads. I gave this one guy a four-week deadline, a handle of vodka and a case of both Gamer Fuel and bags of pork rinds, and he disappeared into Second Life where he spends all his time griefing law-abiding types and spraying Rand Paul graffiti. What a fucking asshole. I turned his dog against him.

In unrelated news, somebody I know who works with a bunch of these wads — and may in fact be Queen of the Wads, given that she knows all their secrets — bellyached at me until I started a Tumblr. I don't know what it's for either. Here's my first guess: stuff that's too long for Twitter and short and dumb enough that if you made it an article people would say, "I used my clicking finger to read that?" At least this solves my problem of figuring out how to tap into that segment of the audience that thinks it's too good for both Twitter and reading paragraphs. Yeah, with an S at the end. Anyhow, go check these out or something:
Dan Fuckin' Cortese
Hugh Fuckin' Latimer
Langston Fuckin' Hughes
Thank Goodness It's Fuckin' Friday's
then follow it or reblog—REBLOG! Blog that shit down slow, son!

And if you just don't feel like you've whored your sweet booty out enough for today, the other big pimpin' thing you can do in honor of my birthday is go click on that Our Contributors and Highlights page linked on the top left and mash the Facebook SHARE button on it every day until everyone you know hates you. Or, if you're a girl, you could just send me hot nude pictures of yourself. I'm good either way. Men can send checks. Just email me and I'll send you the P.O. Box. Email's linked in the profile on that Contributor/Highlights thing. I'm very probably joking about this, actually, except for the part about checks.

Now, since it's my birthday, I'm going to go hit up the hospice for a hot piece.

Naz drowie!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.