Thursday, July 22, 2010

Welcome, Yet Another Influx of New People

If you're looking at an animated gif from The Simpsons, it means it's that time again, the triannual Pimping of the Words, when we let naked ambition run wild through the streets, goring people, sticking a snout into crotches, whizzing. You might think that beneath us, but we once ran an editorial by a suicidal spermatozoa inside one of Todd Palin's balls. Of course, you're kidding yourself if you think our actions are fueled by anything less than superfluous greed. Blogging is wildly lucrative. Mr. Awesome's Christmas card last year was his naked body coiled around a six-foot gold ingot, on top of a pile of rubies. Below right is an artist's conception of our intern, Danny. Sorry, ladies — he's taken!

Anyhow, perhaps you're new here and wondering who the hell we are. Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose sole purpose is to either tell jokes or try to be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and frankly don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why it's actually more tasteful to pretend to be living or dead mass murderers. We are paid hacks, law students, engineers and people with backgrounds in economics, history, science, media promotion and public policy. We are all dog people. And we are beautiful.

Moreover, we are occasionally blessed with traffic bumps, and since we're not congenitally moronic, we like to take advantage of that by showcasing some of our better stuff. Frankly, it's all good, but we had to narrow it down. It's been five months since our last crass grab for more readers, and ten months since the first, so we figured it's time to do it again. Please consider checking out any of the following and mashing the Facebook SHARE button so you can be an unpaid advertising agent for people you don't know:
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I-mSayingNoToGov.HealthCare — A totally incredible video of a girl who somehow managed to love Michael Jackson and Glenn Beck without undergoing the kind of total shutdown and collapse one usually associates with that level of dissonance.

The Threat of Giving a Shit About the Health Care Reform BillsRegular contributor Mr. Awesome, who has been lost for months now in the mysterious orient, offers a one-two punch attacking the sloppy journalistic coverage of the HCR bills while providing a detailed list of what you need to know about their provisions. If you've ever found yourself defending or criticizing the Obama HCR legislation while being unsure of what it signified, check out the latter piece for the sort of clarity Newsweek and its ilk don't consider necessary.

All the Amish You Need, None of the Explicit Amish Pornography You CraveIf you see ONE Lifetime Original Movie about Amish children being slaughtered in a one-room schoolhouse and an unsettlingly sexy and telegenic Amish mother refusing to forgive the mass murderer in the customary Amish way, make sure you see THIS Lifetime Original Movie about Amish children being slaughtered in a one-room schoolhouse and an unsettlingly sexy and telegenic Amish mother refusing to forgive the mass murderer in the customary Amish way. Tons of points off for being insufficiently erotic, yet countless points added for beards that belonged in a local musical theater group's performance at a Kiwanis Lodge and for treating the Amish like precious Hallmark collectibles instead of actual human beings.

Field of Schemes: Barack Obama's Not a Naturally Born Man
Detailed breakdown of three comically stupid articles from the Weekly Standard and National Review in which the authors pored over video evidence of Obama throwing a ceremonial first pitch and shooting hoops during the Final Four in the hopes of determining his essential un-Americanness. You don't even need to challenge his birth certificate when it is obvious that he had to doctor the footage of his shooting threes with Clark Kellogg. No real American would do that. And as for his opening-day pitch, notice how the arm goes back and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.

The Right Kind of Terrorism — Hey, what would you call a group of religious fundamentalists trying to create a unitary world order under their brand of faith and advancing their cause by trying to blow up a major building? It seems so obvious, but that's where you're mistaken. This is actually about the Gunpowder Plot — when Guy Fawkes and fellow English catholics tried to blow up Parliament and the King — which the Republican Governors' Association deliberately likened to their struggle to defeat Barack Obama. This article looks at how the American right has so long considered patriotism indivisible from their own brand of politics that advancing the latter with the rhetoric of treason, terror and mass death can only be construed as a faithful American duty.

Foul Things I Have Eaten — A sober, sincere and non-gluttonous defense of KFC's "Double Down."

Meet Thomas Sowell: A Moron — How an innocent act like signing up for an Ayn Rand singles website led to getting regular emails from a famous black libertarian economist. And how that same economist writes the kind of fact-free drivel that your racist grandmother can't resist clipping out and mailing to you to prove that it's all right for her to hate "the coloreds" because "this colored guy" believes in the same sort of they-can-go-fuck-themselves politics she's emphatically advocated since Brown v. Board of Education. Also, the perfect article to print out and mail back to that grandmother, as it offers a small-scale simulation of how good it must feel to slap her or Sowell stupid.

'Unfriendly Fire' and Repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell — A review of Nathaniel Frank's excellent book about the politically and morally contemptible origins of the DADT policy, how it weakens the military and preserves homophobia by codifying its acceptability, protecting its practitioners and criminalizing the lives of its victims.

I'm Not Saying Google Has a Policy About Having Sex with Horses, I'm Just Wondering If They Think About It — Why doesn't Google want you to watch a nearly naked man made up to look like a horse capering around on all fours, flexing his powerful haunches?

Cliff Kincaid and Right Side News: How Gay Abortions Are Arizona's Down's Genocide — Meet one of the strongest supporters of Don't Ask, Don't Tell! Cliff Kincaid believes that conservative commentator George Will is an Obama Democrat because he doesn't support criminalizing gay people. Also something about Down's syndrome, genocide and why this means that we have to keep the anti-immigration laws in Arizona. This makes sense because Cliff Kincaid's universe is a series of conservative websites run by him or people he knows, reprinting the same things that cannot be published anywhere else because they are totally deranged. Be sure to follow this up by finding out what people like Cliff have to do with that Youtube video of that Ugandan guy screaming about gays and how "DEY EAT DA POO POO."

SAVAGE SEZ: Free Lemonade Leads to Gov. Lemon-Aid — A few weeks ago you may have heard about how Chicago Sun-Times columnist Terry Savage rolled down her window to berate some children at a lemonade stand because they didn't understand lemonade's economic utility and were failing to act in their rational economic self-interest. Unsurprisingly, Terry Savage is a horrible person, a lazy economist and a terrible thinker whose columns trade in warmed-over Reaganomics while always contrasting the free market to Cuba or the USSR. It's the intellectual equivalent of replying, "WELL MAYBE YOU OUGHTA MOVE TO RUSSIA, COMRADE," and it's amazing that the kids in question didn't heave a pitcher at her.

Welcome, Another Influx of New People — Highlights from October, 2009 to March, 2010.

Welcome, Massive Influx of New People — Highlights from January to September, 2009.
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Lastly, everyone is welcome to follow us on Facebook. There are also those Google follow and RSS Feed thingers in the column, there. Also, Twitter. Whatever. This is getting to nauseating levels. Thank you, everyone, for stopping by. We hope you find a reason to stick around. Those of you who don't, feel free to burn in hell.

4 comments:

  1. Your blog has some of the smartest, funniest political/cultural commentary around. Keep up the good work!

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  2. Yep. That's why I blog, too - for the money. Well - that and my poetry, which is not the worst in the Galaxy.

    The total absence of ads and a PayPal button from my blog is merely a wily subterfuge.

    Anyway, what the Chawmonger said: keep up the good work.

    Cheers!
    JzB

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  3. Thank you both very much. I clicked on both your sites and nosed around with my little spare time. I promise to check back when things die down a bit here.

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  4. Just so you know: you're blocked in China. I tried to read my favorite blogs when I was there last month -- could read Brad DeLong reposting on Tiananmen Square but not the beautiful bean footage.

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Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.