Thursday, March 18, 2010

Welcome, Another Influx of New People

If you've showed up clicking on any of this series of Youtube videos, you're probably wondering what the hell they have to do with anything. If that's the case, please read the full article that links them together, "Two and a Half Mensch." If you've clicked over from that SA piece, you're probably wondering who the hell we are.

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and entertainment blog whose sole purpose is to either tell jokes or try to be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and frankly don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why it's actually more tasteful to pretend to be living or dead mass murderers. We are paid hacks, law students, engineers and people with backgrounds in economics, history, science, media promotion and public policy. We are all dog people. And we are beautiful.

Moreover, we are occasionally blessed with traffic bumps due to mass linkage one place or another, and since we're not congenitally moronic, we like to take advantage of that by showcasing some of our better stuff. It's been a full six months since our last shameless capitalization on new viewership, so we figured it's time to do it again. Please consider checking out any of the following:

Dan Brown Finds Dead Census Worker — The world-renowned author and our stringer in the American south reports on a chilling scene of torture he witnessed, resulting in a man's body being desecrated with the word "FED."

Gandalf the Urban: Jim Butcher's Terrible 'Dresden Files' — A thorough review of one of the worst successful books of the last decade. Interestingly, some people objected to this review by saying that it was unfair to the "Dresden Files" series, because the first two books are admittedly terrible, but then the author manages to write the same terrible formulas marginally less offensively from there on out. The response was puzzling. Sort of like reading a restaurant critic say, "The hamburger made me shit uncontrollably for two days, and the restaurant is terrible because of this," and replying, "Well, he should have tried the hamburger once more, then switched to the chili."

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, "Murder My Balls" — A faithfully written fan-script for the famous NBC series sees Detectives Benson and Stabler trying to figure out who completely destroyed the balls of Doug Robb from Hoobastank. Could a famous empty-headed political malaprop be involved? Will the law be able to catch up with the killer? WILL SOMEONE GET TOO CLOSE TO THIS CASE?

The Yankees Are Cancer — "Being a baseball fan and rooting for the Yankees is like being an oncologist and rooting for cancer." A bilious post-season roundup, coming off several World Series and playoff pieces. Those more interested in earlier post-season takes can look at the intro to this piece and find a multitude of links to different updates.

The AV Club's 50 Best Albums of the Decade Are All Wrong — It's a gutsy call, but someone's got to make it. Sometimes an end-of-year list of the best albums has a few clunkers on it. But this is different: The Onion AV Club's list of 50 albums was wrong. Completely wrong. All 50 albums should not have been on the list, because they were just that sucky, and the AV Club is just that wrong. Find out why, with Youtube links to songs from each band, from each relevant album. Stick around for our ten best albums of the decade, presented by former Julliard student (and Destructo contributor) Alan Greenspan.

Let My Orly Go — Speaking of the feisty former Fed chairman, Greenspan returns from his album ratings and his earlier confessional about his sultry sex with Ayn Rand to issue an invitation to the Queen of the Birthers. Sure, Orly Taitz might think that Obama was born (and belongs) in Kenya, but Alan knows Orly belongs in only one place: his totally swank-ass apartment.

Southern College Football Fans Are the Biggest Bandwagoners in Sports — Grown men, with law degrees, traveling states in gangs? People accosting strangers in high schools and demanding they state their allegiance? Pure Football vs. Impure Football? Why is the south this completely nuts, and why are they the worst example of regionalistic bandwagoning around? Check it out, then check back with an update about the 2010 BCS Title Game.

More Things I Want to Do When I Grow Up — An annual Destructo tradition, we share with readers our goals for the coming year, always having accomplished the previous years'. Some unfulfilled goals for 2010: "I want to find a woman with alopecia and ask her if the linoleum matches the plaster." "I want to have my own homemade baseball bat with letters scored into it reading, 'Touch~a~Boy.'"

The Unfathomable Complex Badness of '21 Jumpstreet' — No, really, it's amazing. There's also a funeral where an Asian guy dressed like Tom Wolfe does karate or tai chi or something. Also, the really amazing undercover captain is a hippie.

Amy Steele Revisited — This is the heartwarming wrap-up to a story about a woman who blogged in detail about her "emotionless engineer" ex-not-boyfriend, her breaking into his house, her dumping pony manure in his front yard, her stealing his car, and her thinking that detailing her crimes on a website would somehow blackmail him into being in a not-relationship with her again, despite the fact that she was willing to constantly give him handjobs. This also links to the first Amy Steele piece, which catalogued some of her worst blog posts and was, for a time, the only online resource for her insanity after he deleted all trace of herself. She also replied in the comments section.

ARE Y'ALL READY FOR SOME WHITE PEOPLE? — Review and breakdown of a racist, homophobic, conspiracist and "birther" rap made by a member of conservative wingnut website WorldNetDaily. The rap sucks unequivocally, with lyrics, screencaps and general political breakdowns. Also, this rap was so godawful that it inspired this awesome diss track.

Absolutely Any Piece by Mr. Awesome. — Really.

List of Some of Our Greatest Hits from the Last Six Months — Quick descriptions of some of our standout pieces and links to them. (But seriously, if you're interested in a list of what we consider our better pieces from 2008, going up to September, 2009, please check out Welcome, Massive Influx of New People, the 2009 edition.)

Lastly, everyone is welcome to follow us on Facebook. There are also those Google follow and RSS Feed thingers in the column, there. Also, Twitter. Whatever. This is getting to shameless levels. Thank you, everyone, for stopping by. We hope you find a reason to stick around. Those of you who don't, feel free to burn in hell.

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Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.