Wednesday, March 3, 2010

ARE Y'ALL READY FOR SOME WHITE PEOPLE?

Ahhh aaaahhhhhhh HOLY SHIT, Y'AAAALLLLLLL.

Y'ALL WANT TO MEET SOME CONSERVATIVE RAPPERS? CHECK ONE, CHECK ONE, CHECK IT: THIS IS WOLVERINES WITH "ONE-TERM PRESIDENT," Y'ALL. ONLY RAP GROUP MADE OF NOTHING BUT SUPER STARS-AND-BARS, REPRESENTIN' ALL THE PLAINS STATES WHERE REAL HARD-CORE MOTHERFUCKERS STILL GOT PEOPLE-WINCHES ON THE BACK OF THEIR TRUCKS. HELL GOOD LORRRRRRD YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH...


It always bothers me how bad conservatives are at creative endeavors like comedy and non-country music. With comedy, I think it boils down to the form's reliance on pointing out contradiction and logical inconsistency. It's tough to embrace a dynamic of critique that bites inward harder than it does outward. For instance, bag on liberals' defense of abortion all you like, but it's a lot harder to do so as a defense of the primacy of life when anyone can start laughing and have their "HAs!" collapse into the word "Halliburton." Or, say, point out that the state of Florida has a "choose life" license plate that's excused on the basis that it's not an anti-abortion argument but rather a celebration of how wonderful life is — in a state that routinely executes people, embraces "Castle Doctrine," and is enormously dependent on the economic activity generated by MacDill Air Force Base (CENTCOM), Tyndall Air Force Base, Homestead Air Force Base and Eglin Air Force Base ("WE TEST CLUSTER BOMBS!").

Music is harder to figure out. They've got country music nailed, since turning your resentment at cultural marginalization into "I'm just an ignorant fella with no taste, goddamn I'm proud of it" self-aggrandizement works on the political level with the same degree of success as it does when talking about your redneck yacht club. But rock and roll and rap are hard. Conservatism has been against rock and roll from the start, and it generally abhors sex and drugs unless they involve underage boys or butt bumps of meth with a male prostitute.

Even when they find a means of creating conservative rock in a way that decontextualizes it enough that they can issue "messages" only, it's just so farcically and weirdly amazing that you don't even think of it as music and instead as some artifact of permanently fractured and artistically bankrupt minds that can't process the real world without some atavistic re-enactor mediation. I can't find the example I want, so seriously, look at this. Just look at it:



It's so exquisitely terrible — the founding fathers are shredding and standing on a table playing a violin solo? that I resent tossing it into the mix here instead of devoting a whole piece to its transcendent... thingness. (I only hesitate because the video's both educational and intentionally parodic and declares itself so on its Youtube page. But that part hasn't gotten through to exactly the sort of commenters you'd expect it not to get through to, because if anything it represents a slick apotheosis of a kind of political video they're already looking for.) This kind of culture regurgitates down through ages. This is what happens when conservatism and rock collide. The video would unconvert any kid on the cusp of conservatism just as effectively as (to borrow a line from a friend) a Rush live album would unconvert a proto-libertarian with the words, "THIS NEXT SONG IS BY OUR DRUMMER. IT'S ABOUT THE PRIMACY OF THE INDIVIDUAL."

As for rap. Well, rap is just too thuggy. It's what ruined the NBA.

Whenever serious conservatives put on a rap or rock-and-roll suit, it usually wears badly. To a certain extent, all rock and rap is a little gimmicky, but you have to live the gimmick to make it work. Nobody really cares when a bookish high school kid reinvents himself as a bourbon-soaked rock wailer so long as he's committed to it and is passionate about it. If he can sell himself enough on the transformation, the audience is willing to believe him. Ultimately this is why conservative rap tends to fail horribly. They perform at a remove from their own medium, too nervously aware of what they're doing. Most of the time it's trying to keep the blackness of the whole exercise at arm's length: "Sure, I'm rapping, but it's... you know, haha, I'm not like them. Also, not racist."

This is why Wolverines' "O.T.P. (One Term President)" is so shitty. It's so obvious that everyone involved derogates the form and style of what they're doing, so you can't engage what they're doing on anything like a visceral level. The arm's-length aping of form immediately tells you that they'd rather look and act like anything else. They're there not because of rap but in spite of it. This is also why all their preemptive protestations of "we're not racist" ring so hollow. If they're not, what explanation do they have for "haha just playin', guys" distancing from unironically looking and sounding like rap artists in a rap video? If it's not race, then what is it? Culture? Attitude? It all comes back to the joking line above, about the NBA. White people can't stop complaining about how "they" thugged up the game and made it unwatchable. Well, not they, but their culture. Well, not their culture, just an attitude and a cultural thing. Whose culture? Well, er... look, I'm not racist, but....

Look, just please don't think I'm a "rapper." This is parody.

There are other reasons the video's shitty, though. There's the editing and acting. There's the fact that their beat is shitty. And the music is shitty. Whether someone wrote it or sampled it, goddamn does it suck. Their flow sucks; motherfucking Snow blew this shit out of the water with "Informer" about 17 years ago. Their stories suck (you bake PIES???). Their points suck. Their rhymes suck — all end rhymes, Jesus, it's like the last 20 years of hip-hop never happened. Their singer sucks. They couldn't even fucking use autotune well. Of course, all this is excused by saying, "Heh, we didn't really want to sound like rappers," which I'm sure will be the default defense on the song's musical/writing merits as soon as it runs up against a racism charge, at which point I'm sure they'll go on the attack by saying that anyone who detects racism is the real racist, because they're looking to demonize white people based on the victimized status of whiteness. Or something.

Really, the only strategy in their making anything like this is to cause racists to chuckle at how well done it is (and send money), then bait critics to engage the quality or intent. The strategy requires compartmentalizing the video, whereby its appeal isn't part of one discussion, just as its shittiness isn't part of another, just as the shittiness of the people who created it aren't part of yet another one. It makes for an interesting argumentative stab, but it necessitates anyone watching it to overlook that every part of its generation, execution and distribution is uniformly disgusting. To be sure, some people will attack it on only one of its lack of merits, but most people are smart enough to realize that it's comprehensively repulsive. Just looking at its creators says as much.


THE PLAYAS
This song and video was written and performed by the terminally insane. These people are affiliated with World Net Daily, a far-right website that now functions as the de facto home of the Birther movement and, on the surface, looks just legitimate enough that non-insane conservatives are sometimes suckered into mistakenly assigning them something like credibility. The site's famous guest contributors reads like a who's who of the profitably — and only sometimes disingenuously — nuts: Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Walter Williams, Chuck Norris.

WND is famous for embracing as editorial staff policy the assertion that the Y2K bug was fabricated by the Clinton Administration as a planned crisis to enable United Nations' armies to seize control of the U.S. and absorb it into one-world "NWO" government. (I guess that was thwarted by the Invisible Hand???) It has a pernicious habit of publishing op-eds that talk about Anglo-Saxon racial values and their erosion at the tides of immigrants and multiculturalism, then deleting the op-eds and pulling the "Whoops!—how'd that get there?" card whenever someone notices that they're advocating racism. As regards the Israel-Palestine conflict, their record could generously be described as "vigilantly genocidal" toward Arabs and Palestinians. True to self-contradictory paleoconservative form, their abiding respect for the Jewish people involves dropping words like "Nazi" like they're raindrops, arguing that Universal Health Care in the U.S. would lead to nationwide concentration camps and Nazi executions. Again, there's also the "Barack Obama is a Kenyan muslim Nazi communist Bill Ayers terrorist"-Birther thing they've been humping for two years now.

I could go on, but you could read all this on Wikipedia, which World Net Daily has repeatedly accused of being part of an un-American pro-Obama conspiracy. WND staffers plant anti-conservative edits on Wikipedia, then blame Wikipedia when it doesn't delete them fast enough. Then they blame Wikipedia for deleting pro-WND edits from Wikipedia pages, despite the fact that WND publishes stories about how they deliberately vandalize Wikipedia. At one point, WND claimed that Wikipedia had a stated admin policy to delete anything questioning Obama's American citizenship, which was patently untrue, but probably an easy mistake to make when you apparently don't understand Wikipedia's policy of deleting "factual" edits that rely on links to falsified data, forged birth certificates and your run of the mill "made-up shit."

The shitty rap's tie to WND comes in the form of MOLOTOV MITCHELL, a man who journalists would bother to call "confused" if he weren't merely a breathtakingly offensive and unregenerately stupid racist. First of all, there's the fact that he can't stop talking about his conservative American patriotism, yet has styled himself after a guerilla weapon named for Soviet War and Foreign Minister Vyacheslav Molotov. Granted, the Finns named it that, as a jeering gift for their enemy, but the name at this point has virtually zero anti-Communist resonance. (Its origins aren't even specifically anti-Communist. It was first used in the Spanish Civil War, by everybody.) The fact is that it's been used all over the globe by just about every military force but is now most identifiable as a guerrilla weapon and a terrorist weapon used in precisely the sort of asymmetrical insurgent fighting that targets American soldiers. And it's got a Soviet name. Basically Molotov Mitchell might as well have called himself "Hijacked American Airlines Plane." Yeah, technically anyone could have hijacked it, but all people are going to think about is the first plane to hit the World Trade Center. The fatuously dumb name scheme thing gets carried over to his Youtube channel, where he goes by the name "Illuminati TV." He has but two names on the internet, and both directly reference conspiratorial anti-American fantasies that only keep retardedly crazy people awake at night.

By now Mitchell's notorious enough that Germany banned his Youtube about Ugandans killing gay people, and HuffPo already profiled him, including direct quotes of his like:
"Two weeks ago, [abortion doctor] George Tiller was killed in a fourth-trimester abortion, a lethal lead injection."

"Has gay culture earned our respect? ... People have to earn respect, no matter who they are. And breaking the records for drug abuse, infidelity and suicide won't make you popular. Getting the government to punish people who don't like you doesn't help either."
It's an unusually good HuffPo article, devoid of a lot of snark and brimming with enough links to establish beyond doubt that Mitchell's a moronic Birther racist homophobe.

As for the other rappers, there's CONSTITUTION KATE, who like 99% of the people who put the word "constitution" in their names online is probably an originalist. Kate probably hasn't read a single bit of constitutional jurisprudence outside of the document itself, but I'm sure that's hardly necessary. All she has to point to is the original document and note that there's nothing in there about Universal Health Care being a fundamental human right or an income tax being legal. (Kate probably doesn't realize that there's nothing in there about how the Supreme Court really works, but whatever.) And I'm sure that, like everyone else who can't stop invoking the constitution as a rigid original document, Kate would be only too willing to revoke her right to vote. I'm sure she's probably cool with reinstating the three-fifths compromise, too.

(Basically what I'm saying is that, apart from everything she thinks, Kate turns me on. If you're reading this, baby, send me nudes. I wanna knock those hipster frames off your nose with the power of love — yeah, I do it to Huey and THE NEWS. I wanna drive your children to hockey practice. I want to sit in the sun with you and watch you desiccate — no pun intended. I want us to build a house together and come across whatever Dorian Gray portrait enables you to look like that, then gaze in admiration about how your true form is your already huge jaw improbably even huger, detached from your head so you can masticate the tormented bodies of a bunch of Mexicans on fire. I want to help you melt down your fillings so you stop hearing whoever it is that makes you do such stupid shit. I want to fall asleep next to you, unfulfilled, as Jay Leno's monologue paints our McMansion bedroom blue. I want to have kids with you, then watch you eat our young. It's okay, girl; we won't abort. I'll let you wait until they're ripe. I want to help you bury gold in the yard.)

Finally there's DJ DOLCE MELODY. She sucks at everything in this video. She's also a racist moron. She's trying to get those rockabilly bangs going on, but it's like her forehead had a growth spurt. This is just me playing CSI, but I think that Dolce fucked her way into the group. Out of all the tone-deaf shit that slides in this crew, shes the only one that had to be autotuned. But you probably just roll with that, with Dolce.

I'm trying to picture how she got this gig, and I can only think of Molotov Mitchell spotting her down the end of the bar, bewitched by the girl with the Herman Munster head and the Betty Page bangs sipping on a cherry Coca Cola with her ruby red lips. He asks her to dance and she says, "Okay, but as long as you're not part black. Their legs have an extra ligament, which is why intellectually superior white athletes can't compete with them at speed positions like wide receiver." He nods, and she insists that he not be too good at it. "It's fine," he replies. "I'm not. Fags have ruined dancing."

Then she does a bump of cocaine off a spoon and assures him that she has it "under control," because of "free will." He doesn't care, because she can do whatever she wants so long as the market's threshold never dips below what she can afford to spend. While they're dancing and she's chewing off her lower lip, she asks him which Ayn Rand rape scene is the hottest. They replicate it in the alley just minutes later, then together kick the shit out of a Korean dishwasher who interrupts them and doesn't speak English. Only at this point does Molotov eject his cocktail.

As for the THE MZA: HOLY SHIT, THE LARD CAN TALK???


THE LYRICS
(All lyrics in bold, responses in plain text.)

Whatever happened to the "HOPE" boy?
Teleprompt this: "You can't stop this, OTP."

Teleprompters? Obama? GRRRR.

It's really a testament to the substance the American right has to offer that blasting a device every politician uses represents an inescapable damnation. At this point, let's blast Obama if he carries note cards with him and then loses his place in his speech due to a torrential downpour. (Real Americans: all Sharpie, all the time.) Let's blast him for sending out letters that have signatures on them that he didn't actually personally sign. Then let's blast him for using photocopiers for those letters. As if that would be the last stop on the outrage express. I bet a staffer wrote part of that letter. On a personal computer, with a word-processing program. A real man writes out every single letter in quill and ink like the founding fathers. Of course, if we'd stayed true to the intentions of about half of them, that nigger wouldn't be able to read in the first place.


Fool me once, shame on me, shame on we
United States of America
Fool me twice? It's not gonna happen, G

"Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."


Fool me once, it happens all the time!
Oh. Perhaps this wouldn't happen so frequently if you weren't an idiot.


Public education made me dumb, man
Ahahaha yes. Thank you, Mr. Party of Personal Initiative and Responsibility. It's public education's fault that you didn't pull yourself up by your bootstraps and learn something anyway despite your disadvantages. Unless you're writing all this in the guise of some stupid midwestern American or black person or something, who was "taken in" by Obama. See, it isn't clear what's happening when you pretend to be stupid and then switch to being "smart" and "incisive," probably because what you consider those last two to be is actually really stupid.


I used to be a pie baker
Look into my eyes, all you'll see is pies
I could make a french apple cobbler with a greyerre crust

The only thing funnier than the gruyere misspelling is the mispronunciation in the song itself. And the only thing funnier than that is, "I USED TO BE A PIE BAKER/LOOK INTO MY EYES, ALL YOU'LL SEE IS PIES." I mean, at best you could call this some tortured metaphor about things being as American as mom and apple pie, but the dude is literally yelling about pies.

You know, his name pie baker/yes he the pie baker/all you other pie bakers are ILLEGITIMATE NIGERIAN MUSLIM FAKERS WHO DON'T HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE OR EVEN ONE FOR MAKING PIES.


r-a-double u, fat girls are lovin dude
Wow, harsh. It's really hateful how he's making these elitist statements about overweight Americans, assuming that they are so hungry that they can't even wait for the pies to bake and instead eat them R-A-double-U.


That was then, nowadays find me on the corner with a Mac 10
I lost my job at the bakery, Obama faked me, so I turned criminal
I'm sellin dr*gs at the terminal

Word. Just like all them niggers slangin' on the streets of West Baltimore. (It's cool, he saw The Wire. He heard it was Obama's favorite documentary.) You know, nigga tries to get a Baker's Square franchise, opens it up, does his best. Then the Obama Secret Police shut it down, cite some New World Order reg about illegal distribution of pies. Man, nigga just tryin' to go straight, but them FDA motherfuckers sayin' his pies ain't pure. He stepped on them pies. Doubled that pie weight, tried to make it back. But them pies cut with powdered sugar, yo. Now he outta business, gotta take that last pie package and trade it in for a full-auto. Now motherfucker gonna lattice-top any nigga step to him. This a pie corner.

Also, thank you for censoring the word "drugs." Can't imagine what would happen if my kid read your lyrics and started baking.


B. Hussein, baby where's my job?
Just words just speeches, ya weakless
Weakless.


OTP, angry mob reppin 2-0-1-2
Karma's gonna get you
Karma? Thanks, but no thanks. YOU CAN KEEP THE PAGANISM.


Why am I still up in Iraq, man?
I dunno, you tell me. Why are American servicemen in a war zone created unnecessarily under false pretenses from a former president whose policies you embraced uncritically? This is like getting angry about Brian Jones' sitar on "Paint It Black" by writing a diss track about Ron Wood.


Whats the holdup? I'm still duckin rounds in the sand, man.
Yes, big-jawed white girl with Fey glasses on, you really are ducking rounds in the sand, man. Look at you, putting it all on the line, jump-cuts whizzing past you, someone in a burka dancing on the sand, your having to remember lines at a camera, even when the camera is shooting at you.


I'm sick of smellin like a mosque after Ramadan
HAHAHAHA I'M SURE LIBERALS WILL CALL US RACIST FOR THIS RAP, BUT IT IS THEM WHO ARE RACISM.


While you smellin like some prawns and filet mignon
We on the battlefield, camouflage khakis and M4's
Blood, sweat and tears for Iraqi's

Below find a list of credible reasons why this quasi-hipster-clad white girl with no obvious health handicaps and an excess of vigor, anger and patriotic feeling hasn't joined a branch of the American military to contribute her service. Please also find an explanation why DJ Dolce, Molotov Mitchell and the MZA haven't either. Please also find a list of reasons why this pose they're striking isn't insulting to any troops in harm's way:


But then I look at you, sittin in the West Wing, won't do anything
but polish up ya Nobel Peace Prize
You dropped charges for terrorists, (WHOA)
You think ya Fergie, ya glamorous (WHOA)

I mean, everything about the rap is bad, but the rhymes are just so bad. Worse, every time you think they might start to be onto something moderately less horrible, they drop some cutting edge pop-cultural bomb like this and just explode another layer of earth beneath entrenched lowered expectations.


You roam the world to apologize, bowin to Saudis, investigatin G.I.'s
But pretty soon, you gonna pay the piper and I don't mean a sniper,

You know, a lot of rap lyrics involve the hint of murder if not the outright threat of it, but this is the first time I think anyone can remember a lyric essentially meaning, "Please do not incarcerate me for my continually implied desire for treasonous murder, because I did not explicitly mean that, even though... but... no, really, I didn't mean that."


My vote's got a teflon coat
Jeremiah Wright, say it for the troops:
"ya chickeeeeennnnssss...comin home to roost"

Friendly reminder that these are the same people who support the discharge of thousands of capable homosexual troops since the beginning of the Iraq war and have no problem with their replacement by thousands of troops who have aggravated assault, sexual assault, robbery and drug-dealing convictions. Some of these people, who go into service because it's the alternative to jailin', have been implicated in the same sort of abuses that delegitimize our presence in Iraq — abuses like excessive beatings, rape and theft. Whatever. Thank God they weren't fags. I'm sure none of the people who were subject or witness to beatings, rapes of thefts will ever hate the United States or do something disadvantageous to it, so long as we remain a Godly nation, because God Is Great.

Also, reader Evan Harper points out that, just after disavowing any intention to talk about presidential assassination, they drop two potential references to assassination: both teflon (which, on bullets, reduces wear on the barrel and helps a rifle fire truer, longer) and the Jeremiah Wright "roost" quote, which itself was taken from Malcolm X's comment on the JFK assassination.


One term President? Naw, I'm not feelin that
Hardcore birther here, let me make it clear fo ya
Barack Hussein, he isn't even president, we ain't seen a BC
He's sealed up all the evidence

There's really no need to add more about this than has already been written.


But now they all come to the MZA, I'm runnin five Tea Parties,
flanked by these freedom fighter hotties

Reminder that the average age of a tea party attendee is only in the 20s because people keep bringing toddlers and infants who have no choice but to attend them. It's demographically and physiologically identical to the breakdown of the total number of family members in an episode of Roseanne. Well, apart from the fact that Roseanne's was probably a union household due to her early-season factory job. But the fat and angry aspects are still 100% spot on.


I'm a right wing extremist, can I get a witness?
You ain't down if you ain't on a watch LIST
There you go. (Not racist or terrorist.)


Socialist medicine, I told ya
Spendin trillions on nothin, I told ya

Hahaha, okay.


UPDATE!
To hear an awesome diss track responding to this video, please click "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Keep Us White."

25 comments:

  1. Excellent deconstruction. I googled this stupid song/video and found your blog. It was the greatest example of a cloud's silver lining in awhile. Thank goodness you did this. It has restored my belief in people, for now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Where were these horrendous rappers from 2001 to 2009 and why weren't they pointing out A) the 8 trillion in deficit spending while the US was controlled the "fiscally conservative" republican party, B) the detainment and torturing of POWs (I'm sorry... terrorists), C) the legalized wire-tapping-with-no-probable-cause of US citizens and D) a war against a country who had no ties to the 9/11 attacks or WMDs? Oh... I forgot the PREZ WAZ WHITE YO!

    ReplyDelete
  3. No problem, loretta. Glad you had a fun time.

    Lol @ anon.

    WHITE CHECK ONE TWO ONE TWO
    IS THIS THING BROWN???

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeah, I'm really gonna do this one, these guys make themselves way easier targets than Hi-Caliber and I have a feeling they will flip the fuck out if anybody introduces them to legitimate hip hop dynamics, eg "rap like a sucker about stupid bullshit and get mocked ruthlessly in public" so it will be an interesting exercise in trollification.

    So yeah, this weekend, I promise. Dudes are goin' down.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for not posting the photo of Fergie micturating herself on stage. Aren't the Wack Eyed Peas leftists, anyway? Come on, seriously, aren't there any glamorous conservative women with two syllable names? "ya think ya Charen, ya glamorous."

    Here are some suggestions of things that rhyme a little better with "you dropped charges for terrorists":

    "worse than capybara piss"
    "you think you have Rod Dreher's wits?"
    "you really think you're errorless"
    "everyone in Delaware is pissed"
    "I'm a rocker and you're a piece of schist"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maybe it's just me but the founding fathers video didn't seem to have much of a conservative bent to it?? Just looked like a silly pop-culture+random topic sendup de jour. Liked it either way, violin solo owned.

    keep it up destructo!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks, Anon. I had to rush writing this for personal reasons and also the fact that it sucks to get something out there on the tail end of its being "a thing." You're right that the FF video is a little ambiguous. It says in its description that it's instructive/satirical, but if you look at the comments section, there are plenty of people taking it literally. Unquestioningly.

    I actually wanted to link another video that I saw years ago and cant find anymore. It was like that vid, only the lyrics and music were much much poorer. It involved a bunch of guys who were obvious Confederate Army re-enactors going around and being honorably southern in a disgusting historical whitewash. Like, there was a battle outside a farmhouse, then Johnny Reb went into the Union farmhouse and helped deliver a "Union woman's" baby. Then he walked into a firefight and walked out of it, helping his wounded brother. Then he shook the hand of a black person.

    It was totally amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your comment about the origin of Molotov Cocktails is misplaced. They were "invented" or at least first used by the Finnish army against invading Soviet armies in the early 20th Century. The Finns sarcastically named them after the Soviet Foreign Minister. To the extent that this lunatic racist rapper identifies with the idea of killing commies with firebombs, then the name "Molotov" is actually fitting.

    It was NOT "Soviet partisans" wielding Molotov cocktails. It was the outnumbered Finns using them against Soviet tanks.

    I really like your article, but I actually embarrassed myself a little using the bit about Molotov in an argument. I didn't know about the "winter war" of 1939.

    I think you ought to fix that section of an otherwise excellent commentary.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The only thing you missed is that right after he denies intending a Presidential assassination threat, he makes two references to, well, Presidential assassination. Some bullets have Teflon coats to improve their internal ballistics; "chickens coming home to roost" was Malcolm X's (in)famous epigram on the JFK assassination. These guys are in unpleasant-conversation-with-the-Secret-Service territory.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anon,

    Thanks for the correction. I feel like an ass, because I used to know that. I took so many WWII, Cold War and Soviet Union courses in college, and this stuff used to be ready in my brain, organized front to back. The fact that I completely transposed its origin like that is pretty embarrassing. Thank you for taking the time to correct me. The article's been edited to reflect that.

    However, I can't say I agree with you completely. Technically, the name was only invented by the Finns. Improvised incendiaries almost identical to it were used in the Spanish Civil War, and there are proto-Molotov weapons going back to WWI. Basically, while the name still has a kind of anti-Communist resonance for those who are historically wonky, the overall attitude and message behind the name as been muddied or lost to the point that it's culturally stupid to employ it. I mean, if he were a Finnish or a Russian rapper, I could see it. But outside of those audiences, all people really know about these things is that they got a commie name and people use them to kill Americans. Its conceptual weight as an anti-Communist device has been subsumed by its employment in the sort of guerrilla/terror/street fighting that gets employed against an American military presence. The device's use and name has been (pardon the pun) distilled by use around the world that at this point most Americans are only going to see "commie name + thing what kills Iowans in uniform." I suppose it'd be like naming yourself "The McCarthyite" because you love Wisconsin and bourbon. Both of those are true about Uncle Joe McCarthy, but that part of the message isn't going to get through to everyone who just remembers him as a hysterical, falsifying fearmongering shitbag. Like Mitchell here.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Evan,

    I completely missed the teflon thing. As for the Malcolm X thing, I did actually think about that maybe a day or so later. I thought about editing it in, but eventually I didn't because I think these people are just too stupid to know anything about Malcolm X. They already know so little about the things they're actually talking about that it seemed like a stretch to suggest a bunch of "no I'm not racist" racists would know diddly shit about a radical black leader.

    In that light, I interpreted their comment as being what they say they mean it to be: a reference to Jeremiah Wright's "coming home to roost" comment about 9/11. The teflon, in that light, sounded more like some proud paranoia about how ACORN couldn't get their sticky hands on his ballot.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's pretty sexist that you attacked the females in the group for how they look but not the men folks

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, for sure, man.

    1. "As for the THE MZA: HOLY SHIT, THE LARD CAN TALK???"

    2. Constitutional originalism is a "look"? Interesting.

    3. I would have bothered with Molotov Mitchell but I'd already written enough about him and didn't need to further overload the piece by that point.

    4. Neither woman's rhymes sound like she wrote them. DJ Dolce's sound exactly like Molotov Mitchell's. It's pretty obvious he wrote them, and she reads them. If you wanted someone to attack them on their merits, they could just leave a blank space.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Alright my little commie a$$holes where do I begin....

    This blog is weak! The reason being is you can't even make a cogent argument as to WHY you believe anything you do.... it is all emotionalism. "You FEEL something is amiss..." or those bad conservatives who made that nasty RAP song "hurt your feelings". Just attack anyone who actually uses facts to back up their beliefs. Look, I hate RAP, and you just reminded me why it seems to be the Genre of the stupid and the mentally deficient! Can you even pronounce M-E-N-T-A-L-L-Y D-E-F-I-C-I-E-N-T???

    OK, so you know enough about word dynamics that you can actually rhyme words..... Wow, I betcha they give out Golden Globe awards to idiots like Kanye West and the other fags for that kind of massive skills huh?

    Betcha those RAP skills of yours will really come in handy some day when some real American puts a bullet in your head! (Here's a tip.... try actully holding the weapon in the correct manner rather than to the side like a cheap street punk!) I guess you can rhyme your silly ass all the grave huh?

    In your CRAPS, oh I mean RAPS, my bad....you just mouth the trash that Marx, Lenin, Engels, Pol Pot, Amin, Pelosi, and all the other Lib-tards tell you to say. No original thought there sport..... sad. But since you live a frairly lame life... I'm probably not telling you anything you didn't already know.... but if I am I'll spell it out for you - you SUCK!

    Anytime your ass wants to mix it up in the streets with real Americans..... you bring your 'A'-game Sally! We're gonna stack you bastards up like cordwood! And then, that will be the day you are reminded that all the crap you got away with your whole life finally just ran out of steam. Oh well, enjoy it while you can.... 'cause we're gonna make you pay!

    Proud to be Commie? Well, then don't be offended if I'm proud to send your Communist ass to a grave. Don't like it here? Don't worry, we can arrange the re-settlement fairly easy! Feeling disenfranchised? Get your ass on a plane and go to a Communist country that you think is wonderful. But you weak cowards can't do that can you? Why? Because those other great communists would probably put you in a Gulag (yet another fun and exciting invention of wonderful Communism...) and wait for your mangy ass to die a nasty death.... which if you think about it.... you can't really blame them, now can you? Afterall, what Commie likes competition from other brainless jackasses? They have to take care of their own jackasses first ya know.

    signed,

    Spoonman

    (one of the many concerned Conservatives that will be using your corpse for fertilizer in our gardens one of these days! And don't think it ain't gonna happen Sally..... enjoy the freedom while you have it!)

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  15. "The reason being is you can't even make a cogent argument as to WHY you believe anything you do.... it is all emotionalism."

    *doesn't read anything on the blog before commenting*

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  16. That last comment was posted from:

    Saint Louis,
    Missouri,
    United States Charter Communications (68.191.194.202)


    Tigger, if i'm murdered, lead my boys to who'll contract the entire family of whomever's responsible.

    ReplyDelete
  17. All this time I thought Spoonman was just playin' the music with his hands and comin' together with his plan, but it turns out he's been holed up in a log cabin somewhere spray-painting "THIS IS FOR PELOSI" on homemade bombs

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  18. re-read that comment and pretend it's ironic. it's....beautiful....

    signed,

    poonman

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  19. Awesome Satellite High! I like how Spoonman helped prove the point that right wing psychos are just a bunch of ignorant, emotional, hypocrites. The first amendment should protect anyone who agrees with me if not, let the name calling and death threatening begin.

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  20. To be fair to the Spoonman (AKA MC Cogent Argument, AKA Grand Master Enfranchised, AKA Corpral Punctuation), he does manage to go more than three paragraphs before making any open death threats. I read somewhere that Aristotle never made it past the fifth paragraph, that no one on the Harvard Debate team has ever gone more than six sentences without brandishing a gun, and that Clarence Darrow usually just started screaming "I KIIILLLL U with a nife!!11!" as soon as he took the floor. So if you think about it, the Spoonman (AKA the Missouri Cordwood Stakah) is in some pretty rare company there.

    Those are facts. Don't believe? Go read some history. It's all in there, in the history, Sally. If you don't believe me, then go see what sort history books they have in Russia, I bet they'd lend you some books there- you know, in their KOMMUnIST libaries.

    Dr. Muerto

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  21. Why does he keep calling you Sally?

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  22. Oh, wow, thanks "Dr. Muerto." Yet another foreign culture-of-abortion person weighs in. Stop having anchor-babies here and then killing them once you get citizenship, SEÑOR DEATH.

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  23. Thank you, Destructochives. He managed to go three paragraphs without a death threat, but succeeded in slaying the written word in the first line.

    Fondly,
    "Sally"

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  24. http://gatesofhellfilm.com/
    Molotov Mitchell and co are back with some kind of crazy-ass film or something. I demand coverage!

    ReplyDelete

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.