Sunday, March 29, 2009

ShamWow! Salesman: Prostitutes Suck More Than You Think

Note: we, the good people of Et tu, Mr. Destructo?, like to broaden our coverage of the national discourse by occasionally turning to voices and viewpoints not represented by our regular contributors. To discuss the sex trade in the United States, we turn to comedian and ShamWow! and Slap-Chop pitchman Vince Shlomi, better known as Vince Offer.


I Seriously Fucking Hate Prostitutes
by VINCE OFFER

By now you've probably heard that I whaled on this prostitute. Yeah, I did it. I know enough about the media to know where this is going to go, and it's important to get in front of a story like this.

First of all, lemme tell you that I'm no pussy. I can take a beating. I could have absorbed up to 25% more of an ass beating than what got laid on me. But I draw the line at getting my tongue gnawed off by some coked-up pro. Stay with me.

I coulda whaled on her 25-50% more than that, and no jury anywhere would say dick shit. I make a living with this tongue. All I'd have to do is look those jurors in the eye and say, "If some whore was trying to chew your whole farm, and you were a farmer, you'd tractor the fuck out of her. If you ran a nail salon and she tried to eat your fingernails, you'd Slap-Chop her crazyass face. You following me?"

Acquitted. Right there.

I know what you're thinking, though: "Vince, you're famous. Why are you going to pros?" Here's the thing. When you're on the road selling an amazing product like the Shamwow!, you don't have time to start relationships. You're out of town the next day, so you can't stop to get to know each other. But you still have needs. You don't want to be in your hotel room, slappin' away every day.

That means finding something for the night. Sure, there are ShamGroupies out there and the kinds of girls at bars who'll give you a slapjob through your pants. I know it. Been there. But they always want a piece of you. Before you get in the bed, it's always, "Baby, you're so hot." When you're done, they're asking if you have any merch in your trunk. Hey, lady, buy the ShamWow! your damn self. It's only $19.95. You can fuck it any time you want. Do you have any idea what kind of value that is?

So once you realize you've got to meet those needs, the only solution is to go pro. There's tons of upside to that. Some girl you meet is gonna freak out about what you want to do, but when you tell the pro that you want two humps plus some spitting, she's gonna say, "Oh, 'The Camel'?" Damn right. And when you say, "You're gonna love my nuts," she knows it's not up for debate. But sometimes, things go wrong. As much upside as there is there, there's a huge downside. After all, you're dealing with whores. There's just a laundry list of bullshit that whores bring to the table. And let's just say, after years of it, some tweaking cocksucker thinking my tongue was a jumbo Slim-Jim was the straw that broke the camel's back.

By now you've probably noticed I've mentioned camels a couple of times. I love camels. I smoke Camels. My favorite wrestler?—The Iron Sheik. Why? Two words: Camel Clutch. I like to fuck a woman to Wesley Willis' "Suck a Bactrian Camel's Dick." It's just what I do, because of how much I love camels. Why? Because the camel is nature's most absorbent animal.

For instance, camels store most of their body fat in their humps, which means the fat can't trap heat in their bodies, which keeps them cool. Their sweat evaporates on their skin instead of from their hair, which regulates their bodies' temperature better, but they won't even sweat until the temperature reaches 106º. A hundred and six! They can do that all day. It's like they're the animal version of those Devo fans in jumpsuits from that movie Dune.

Even more amazing, their red blood cells' oval shape means they can travel through their blood vessels even as their blood gets thicker from dehydration. Other animals would have heart attacks, but camels can lose up to 25% of their body weight to dehydration before their lives are in danger. Think about that. They're able to ward off that danger really well. They can rehydrate just from eating green plants, and they don't lose water from exhaling, because their nostrils trap water vapor and return it to their bodies. In fact, they're so efficient at keeping water that they basically shit bricks, and their piss comes out like gum or something. Camels are awesome.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, anyway, this thing with the bitch with the munchies was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had already had it up to pretty much right here with whores before that. I just couldn't take much anymore. A lot of people are going to say I lost my absorbency when it came to taking all the shit prostitutes pull a while ago. I didn't. It's just been building up for a while now. Prostitutes are the worst.

Are you, the person reading this, a prostitute? If you're one of those prostitutes who reads blogs, all right, lemme tell you. This is what's wrong with you:
Seriously, you look like whores.
Every single one of you who does the French Maid costume thing fucking never has any follow-through when it comes to cleaning.
How hard is it to remember "Rotary Motion" is the safe word???
If I wanted "Badical" to be the safe word, maybe I'd hop in my DeLorean and go back to the 1980s when it was cool to say and you weren't ugly yet.
Thanks for offering to come to my house and fuck me. I have a girlfriend, idiot. If I wanted to ruin my relationship with her by fucking a whore, I'd just nail her friend Cyndy.
How the fuck do you not understand common French irregular verbs???
Every time you use my toothpaste and leave the cap off, I know there's a chance the tube went in your ass.
Just because I like crafts and have sewing supplies doesn't mean I want you darning holes in your thigh-highs afterward.
If you're gonna do that anyway, you can't take a swing at me for playing "Eleanor Rigby" and filming you with my iPhone.
Every single one of you seems to think Ornette Coleman is some kind of goddamn camping stove.
How about a single fucking word of thanks when I put your panties in the food dehydrator?
Next time you bring the KY His/Hers lube, how about you bring the "Hers" version?
If I spend $750 for "The Castilian Princess," you better not be a piece of Appalachian white trash with a rub-on tan screaming "Culo!" "Culo!" and pointing at your tits.
When you scream. You knew what was coming. We negotiated this.
Bitches think they're all upscale because they take Discover.
Look, velveteen is not the same as velvet. I know that. Don't fucking argue with me.
Just because I like naming all the continents while getting a handy doesn't make it Around the World, and I'm not paying.
Occasionally taking off a leather skirt to find Tweety Bird Underoos™ is like pouring napalm on my STIFF.
Seriously, doesn't that make sense? Of course it does. Anybody who goes to whores is gonna agree with me here.

Anyway, imagine putting up with all of that shit for years. Then imagine that you're paying this whore for a solid hour. It's your hour. You can do whatever you want. So maybe you're telling her about this awesome show they had about dromedaries on Discovery HD, and she tells you, "Can I show you my pussy now? This camel shit is for retards." You'd flip the fuck out, too, right? You'd tell her that her tramp stamp of those Mai and Mii bitches from Popotan doing some lollipop thing with Wii controllers was the gayest Jappo shit you'd ever seen. And you definitely wouldn't think the next thing she'd do is try to eat your mouth out from the inside. You following me?

Look, I'm a realist. I know what happened to me isn't going to scare people off. Even though whores are the worst people in the world. Since I know that, I want to leave you with a guide. This is what I've learned. This is what you need to be on the lookout for to get the best value and avoid what happened to me. Maybe this guide'll help you out.


So You've Decided You Want to Fuck Whores
1. These women will do anything they don't even like for money. But they're not gonna do fuck-all about leaving rings on your tables just out of courtesy. If you let one in your house, cover everything you own with coasters.

2. Those plastic wrappers hotels put over the styrofoam cups in your room will break, and they don't do shit about herpes.

3. Straw Man? Begging the question? False equivalency? Appeal to authority? There isn't a single fucking logical fallacy a whore won't use when you start talking about how 24 is the greatest show in the history of teevee.

4. A lot of escort agencies import their talent. Check around, see where they're coming from. You know the Germans always make good stuff.

5. Lock the minibar. There's nothing worse than going to the john and coming back to find a $200 hooker stuffing $50 worth of white zinfandel and pretzels into her $10 face.

6. Half of all whores have hair that smells like boiled onions and cabbage.

7. They're worse than rental car agencies. If you're a dude who can't finish up in under an hour, make sure you're paying for the finish, not for the time. Nothing worse than already being with a whore and finding out that it isn't the hourly rate, it's the mileage.

8. You know that story about the girl who's getting a sociology degree in women's studies who decides to become a pro just to write about what it's like?
A. She's real.
B. She uses a lotta teeth where you don't want her to.
C. She's going to ask why you want to go to the A, like somehow it's YOUR fault it feels fucking great, but then she'll probably get off on it and act like she was pretending.
D. She's gonna have two leathery-ass tits like someone peed on two Boca Burgers, because she probably spent college without a bra or a shirt, and God just baked those things wrinkled and let them fall way the fuck down to the ground.
E. You can spot her after five minutes because she's gonna be the only hooker who thinks you spent $200 an hour just so YOU could listen.
9. Sooner or later you'll have an argument with one and want to be all like, "Stop and think about what you did in life to make you be a prostitute," and that's really cool for five seconds until she's all, "You have to give a person like me $50 to touch your dick." Takes ten minutes before you can get hard again after that, even if you're thinking about blasting it on her head. Unless you wanted to do that all along. In that case she should probably keep talking shit.

10. Don't start talking about your relationship with your father in front of her. All you're going to hear about for the next half hour is her dad. Plus it sucks to find out you fuck just like him.


Me, personally? I'm never doing this shit again. But I'm not everybody. Getting whores is a ShamNOW, as far as I'm concerned. But if you've decided getting whores is for you, more power to you. Go ahead and do it knowing what's waiting ahead. You're gonna have an exciting life now.

3 comments:

  1. Oh my fucking lord. This is literally the best fucking thing I have EVER read.

    You made my fucking week, guy.

    You, Sir, are a goddamn genuis!

    HOLY SHIT!

    ReplyDelete
  2. laughing my ass off and sharing this with EVERYONE!! If your ever in Seattle Washington you must come to the The wet spot.. or as its offically called "The Center For Sex Positive Culture". it a fun little place with a BDSM vibe, LOL.. I have a feeling after reading this your a kinky guy and I would LOVE to see you in the scene rooms.. sham wows optional! http://www.sexpositiveculture.org/

    ReplyDelete

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.