Palin's Developmental Disability Traced to Father

According to articles printed today, the developmental disability — one that democrats cynically exploited on the campaign trail via pernicious facts and definitions of words — suffered by Sarah Palin is one that descends directly from Palin's father, Chuck Heath. By now, almost everyone should know who Sarah Palin is. But for the few who don't, a recap:

Sarah Palin is an Alaskan special-needs woman who married another special-needs person named Todd. Concerned about Sarah and Todd's inability to understand birth control, their parents petitioned the state to perform a tubal ligation on Sarah. The liberal judge adjudicating the case refused to allow others to interfere with Sarah and Todd's civil rights. Since then, they've had six kids: Piper, Track, The Nas, Bristol, W'ill-Lo, Bort and Trig.

Humiliated by being forced to go to four different colleges via affirmative-action admissions and enraged at her parents' victimization at the hands of an activist judge, Palin became a staunch conservative and opponent of entitlement programs, a position which vaulted her to the apex of the republican party's intellectual elite and netted her a pick as the VP candidate in the 2008 election.

Unfortunately, presidential nominee John McCain hadn't anticipated the demands of a special-needs candidate, a reality brought home when Palin wandered around hotel rooms wearing only towels and needing to be forced to wear grown-up clothes. Her speaking appearances went just as badly; she often repeated phrases she'd just heard like, "Puddinhead," and "tairrist" and "you betcha."

In private, Palin reportedly couldn't name the countries in the North American Free Trade Agreement (the only three countries in North America) and thought Africa was a single country. In public, she fared just as badly, saying, "I like hockey," and, "I'm normal like you," before spending roughly $190,000 so she and Todd could play dress-up because they were going to become "King and Queen of the America." Unfortunately, McCain's bid to harness the pity vote failed because America failed to see Palin as anything other than a typical republican candidate. Thus, a few days ago, she signaled she would "return to The Ice Palace to rule Hoth."

Which brings us to today. Palin spent the first weekend of her return trying to sort out her own clothes from the clothes purchased during her $190,000 shopping spree at stores like Macy's, Neiman Marcus, Barney's, Bloomingdale's and Atelier. Early reports merely disclosed that she'd spent $150,000, but subsequent investigation revealed how bizarrely out of whack that expenditure was.

First, Palin was told to shop for a few suits for the Republican National Convention and a few for the campaign. A republican donor pledged to pay for her new outfits, expecting to pay no more than $15,000 and finding himself utterly astounded to be looking at a bill ten times that size. Worse, later reports alleged that Palin badgered campaign subordinates to "max out" their credit cards to buy her more clothes, claiming they'd be reimbursed by the campaign. Still later, reports indicated that she also spent $40,000 dressing her husband Todd in finery from upscale men's stores like Atelier, leading one campaign staffer to call them "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast."

Now the Republican National Committee has sent representatives to Alaska to sort through Palin's clothes to determine which are hers, which belong to the campaign and which she wishes to purchase from them. The fact that a candidate for a position one heartbeat away from managing the American economy couldn't buy clothes without going 1,000% over budget and now needs helpers to figure out what actually belongs to her is a hysterical disgrace to the republican party.

But of course, it's not Sarah's fault. She's special and a go-getter. The unfortunate gene that saddled her with an inability to process things like "an extra zero before the decimal point" undoubtedly came from her father. Consider his response to the uproar about her spending $190,000 of party campaign funds on her own personal clothes [emphasis mine]:

Heath dismissed the clothes controversy as "ridiculous" and said his daughter told him the only clothing or accessories she personally had purchased in the last four months was a pair of shoes.

Congratulations, retard. That's the fucking point.