Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ramblings #1

• Do you think John Madden ever puts on a fresh Florsheim ComforTech and feels that his life, if not his shoe, is just a little empty?

• Someone needs to strap Maynard James Keenan to a chair in the "It's a Small World After All" ride for as many hours as it takes for him to agree to either lighten up or shut the fuck up.

• Anyone who tells you they actually felt something deep for the first time by listening to a Tool or A Perfect Circle song basically has the same level of insight, selflessness and object permanence as a four-year-old.

• I have yet to listen to any piece of music and have a friend remark, "This is good. This chord here. Really plangent."

• Am I the only person who hears the lines "Holy infant, so tender and mild" in Silent Night and thinks they're talking about boneless hot wings?

• There's gotta be one huge wing of dog heaven that just features an endless supply of bulldogs chewing the ankles off an endless supply of those sickos who put sweaters on their bulldogs.

• Metallica Fans: clarify for me, what exactly is digging the unforgiven? Also, can one entrench the unacceptable or gently grade the unappealing? Please explain.

• The standard gesture of affection in baseball is already the Ass Pat. Can we stop nicknaming every eighth guy "[something]-Rod" now? (Note: 20 years ago, I was against the name "Dickie Thon" for the same reasons.)

• There can't be two more antithetical fashion statements than the white-boy silver bling chain and the loafer. What are you going to do, Chet? Are you and your "Nig-Gas" gonna fuck me up by smudging your Rockports? Or are you going to sell me on a sub-prime loan that's "bangin', totally bangin'"? Which is it? Fuck you, Chet. And fuck your tickets to the latest A Perfect Circle tour.

• Eating enchiladas is doubtless unhealthy for you. But if you really challenged me on it, I could probably eat three or four tablespoons of sour cream in front of my doctor.

• Neville Chamberlain will likely be forever reviled for waving the "Peace in Our Time" Munich Agreement with Hitler after the '38 conference. But I like to think that history would treat him much more kindly if he'd been an accomplished amateur oboist.

• There's got to be at least one asshole out there who just bought a Volkswagen Scirocco and who's explaining it to people with, "You know, it's named after a kind of Mediterranean wind."

• Any parents who named their daughter "Fancy" are just dooming her to a young adulthood as a car-wax model at auto shows, followed by a long middle age riding a barstool in some honkytonk karaoke joint, weeping bitter tears into a $2 scotch every time some girl gets up to sing that fucking song.

• I think it's awesome that we're getting so many more latin Americans and Japanese players in baseball and welcome its further globalization (especially if we can get that diversity in the states to make MLB truly the best baseball available anywhere). That said, the fact that we have two dudes named "Aybar" and neither of them are Scottish drunks is just a mockery of global opportunity.

• Birthdays and Christmases I get, but why do people other than the spouses ever get the couple gifts on their anniversary? A birthday can be a sad reminder of age, and Christmases can be oppressively sad. But if two people are still married to each other, it suggests that they still bring each other happiness, which is enough reward that it doesn't need supplements from outside. It's sort of like giving a teenage boy some sort of referral payment for masturbating while thinking of a supermodel spokeswoman. Kid was gonna be okay without that.

• Speaking of gifts: why are the two staple gifts for funerals reminders of impermanence? You bring people food, which spoils on the buffet table after a few hours or in the fridge after a few days; or you bring them flowers that can't last much past one week without help to stave off the effects of death. What a comfort. (Why not bring someone a replica of the Sphinx after they have nose cancer?) Here's an idea: when your aunt dies, if you want to make your uncle feel better, ditch the $75 on roses, go in with a few relatives, and buy him a home theater system.

• Do you think people who drive a Daewoo buy Daewoo TVs too, as a way of somehow validating their completely bizarre choice in cars? Like someone says, "You drive a Daewoo?" and they say, "Drive one? I like the brand so much, I watch a Daewoo."

• "Daewoo" also sounds like Asian mom babytalk for "diaper shit."

• Why do directors always try to cram as many stylized elements as possible into pilots when anyone who's spent even five years idly watching TV could tell you which elements will be eliminated within a season? Take a look at the House pilot, then watch season four. David Shore filmed everything in OrangeVision™, lit all the scenes like David Fincher directing a Nine Inch Nails video, used every opportunity to do the "camera disappears inside a person's body" trick and crammed every scene with medical cliches ("You hear hoofbeats, you think HORSES! Not ZEBRAS!"). By season four, colors are normal; people use lights in rooms; the camera doesn't dawdle inside people, and there's more interest in a fake reality show than in whining about "dispositive proof."

• Why does iced-tea turn cloudy? Also, why does it taste funky right after brewing but taste great eight hours later? And why is sun tea ridiculously better?

• My friend Byron thinks that "chorizo" sounds like the name of a fabulous Spanish transvestite children's TV host, but I disagree. It sounds like the name of a mechanized tiger that attacks Japanese cities.

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Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.